I got into a fight with my sister Katie tonight and I was trying to get over it but I just have this huge headache and even after writing about in it my journal I’m not over it so I figured if I have to suffer this much maybe I can at least get a good blog post out of it.

It all started Saturday. Friday night Ellie stayed the night with Katie out in Woodburn and apparently they thought she was constipated so they gave her some home remedy that made her shit up to her neck and all over her clothes. Katie called Kendel after the fact and that was my issue. I don’t think it’s right of Katie to have given Ellie anything that Kendel hadn’t told her was okay. I think Katie should have called Kendel, or me, and asked if Ellie was having any poop issues. I just think it’s the right thing to do.

Well Kendel was a little upset and I let her know that I was DEFINITELY upset and that she needed to tell Katie not to do anything like that in the future. Also who knew how long Ellie would be shitting for.

So Katie came to drop Ellie off just as Kendel and I pulled into our driveway and instead of acknowledging Katie I just walked straight into the house. I wasn’t having the greatest of days and I just didn’t feel like being out there while Katie got offended at what Kendel was hopefully going to tell her.

Kendel comes into the house and tells me Katie started crying, proclaimed she would never watch Ellie again and sped off. I swear, my family has this amazing ability to turn the smallest issues into the most enormous dramatic days-long tension-fests. Katie was just looking for drama and she found an opportunity to turn this small thing into a huge “everyone hates me” thing.

We let Katie throw herself a pity party for the rest of the day but then that night Kendel sent her a text message but Katie ignored her. Tonight I decided to ask her if she wanted to plan a trip to go see my brother at Fort Lewis in Washington but to that she said “aren’t you guys mad at me or something? Don’t waste your time”

Oh fucking great, just one more thing to add to my “this sucks fucking ass” pile. I know Katie is depressed or whatever right now too but give me a fucking break. You gave Kendel’s baby some crazy weird home remedy without asking and you are surprised that didn’t make people jump for joy? Get a grip.

Without thinking I just replied “whatever.” Katie always likes to have our important conversations be over text messages and I wasn’t having any of that tonight. I’m done playing into these stupid little games my family plays with me. You get upset about something and somehow you are the person who is expected to apologize.

After my one word reply Katie wrote me three fat messages. She accused me of three things: being rude to people and then just deciding I want things to be okay, ignoring her like I ignore everyone else (totally referring to how I ignore my mom’s calls), and last that I think I am better than everyone else.

All of this because Kendel told her to ask before giving Ellie medicine. I didn’t say one word to Katie, but I am the bad guy. I am the evil one. I make her life unbearable to live. She’s more delusional than I am.

I tried calling her about 50 times, I left about 6 voice-mails because I kept getting cut off and goddamn it she was going to hear my words, not read them. I told her I loved her and that she was being ridiculous. Instead of answering she kept texting me.

She said she was done with me, done with the whole family, done with the drama and that her life would be better without it. She was blowing my freaking mind. I kept trying to call her but she wouldn’t pick up. I told her she was being crazy and that I hadn’t even said one thing to her so I couldn’t understand why she was upset with me. I must also add I have done nothing but put gas in the car that Katie drives down the road of life.

Finally Katie told me to “leave her alone already” and thats when I had Kendel call her. They talked for like 30 minutes and Katie refused to talk to me. I have no clue what I ever did to her but apparently I am the worst person in her life right now even though I loaned her the tent she’s sleeping in. for reals.

Lately Katie has been the only one of us who is talking to my mom and every time she is alone with Kendel she tries to convince her that she needs to talk to my mom and that my mom is depressed and really needs us and blah blah blah. It makes me mad because my mom doesn’t deserve anything from us at this point and I just feel sorry for Katie because I too was once at the stage she is at. The stage where I thought my mom was actually telling me the truth when she said all she was doing was drinking, or that she really loved me or any other of the lies that she spewed to keep me around.

Katie also has this really bad habit of never letting Kendel forget that she was a drug addict and that she hurt her. I on the other hand am very proud of myself because I decided quite awhile ago to start being different with Kendel and so far it has got me nothing but closer to her. I used to lecture Kendel about going to school or not smoking or whatever but then I realized that her and Katie both hated my lectures and that it only made them run further from me. I decided to let them do whatever they wanted but to just let them know I loved them, and that I would always love them not matter what.

Kendel had me so emotionally messed up at one point that I just stopped worrying about her because it was literally killing me. I gave up on her which is sad to type out right here but I honestly did. I had no hopes of ever having her in my life, she had been swallowed up into the world we were born into, and it really wasn’t much of a surprise but it hurt like hell.

Last January when I learned she was pregnant I didn’t tell her to get an abortion, I didn’t tell her what I thought she should do, I just told her I loved her and I would support her in whatever decision she decided to make.

This summer Kendel came to live with us and that’s when I realized that she was a different person. After years of being a teenage meth addict she was once again my sweet freckled face sister. I never thought I would see those freckles again.

As we spent the summer together Kendel shared so much with me. Even though I grew up around drugs I didn’t know too much about them because I spent most of my time in denial. I didn’t want to believe things so I just didn’t. She told me what it was like to be on them, how she didn’t care about anyone, anything or even herself. She told me what it was like to quit, how every noise sounded like glass shattering inside her head and how the light gave her headaches.

The saddest things she told me had to do with my mom. My mom knew Kendel was using and actually had Kendel get her shit constantly. When Kendel told my mom she was pregnant and that she was quitting and keeping the baby my mom told her she wouldn’t last two days. What a wonderful person.

I hated my mom before but after all the things Kendel told me it really allowed to me to remove the last sections in my heart that she inhabited. There is no place in my heart for my mom anymore. While Kendel is here with me I am not trying to force my beliefs onto her, I am really trying to let her be her own person. I tell her constantly that I will stand beside her if she wants to talk to my mom but if she doesn’t want to she has every right not to feel bad about it. My mom has done so much to hurt her that I know she doesn’t want to have anything to do with her but then Katie comes along and makes her feel bad so I just remind her that our mom has done shit that is unforgivable and we aren’t bad people for cutting her out.

Kendel gets really emotional whenever I tell her I am proud of her so I don’t do it that often but tonight I decided that since we were talking about so much shit anyway who cared if a few tears fell onto the couch. I told her that I think Katie and my mom constantly throw her past in her face because they are jealous of her. They are Jealous that she came out of the shit hole she was in and that she did it all by herself. No one helped Kendel sober up, She layed in a room all alone while my mom got high in a room right next to her. For that I am proud of her. I am not proud of her for reaching to drugs before she reached for me and I am not proud of her for many things but I am proud of her for doing that without any support because I know even people who have support can’t always do it.

I told Kendel tonight that she hurt me a lot in the past but I haven’t talked about it to her even once because I feel like there is no need. She’s trying to get out of that life, she doesn’t need me to remind her that she used to treat me like shit, she already knows it. She told me that every night when she lays down her last thoughts are about the crazy fucked up shit she used to do. She said it makes her sick and she can’t believe she got into it that bad. She told me she has nightmares that she’s using again and that Ellie is there. She said she wakes up crying almost every other night.

I told her she has those dreams because those are her fears. I told her she thinks of that stuff before bed because that used to be her life. I told her it will fade away eventually, even though I have no clue if it ever will. I just wanted to give her something that I wish for every night, for someone to tell me things will be okay, even if they have no idea what they’re talking about.

I’ll have you know that tonight these blogs are coming to you from the dark and I in fact cannot see my keyboard. I am actually surprised that I can type at all but I am actually doing quite well. I may be the only computer science student who can in fact NOT type without looking at the keys but maybe all I have been needing is some good old fashioned blogging in the dark.

As most of you know I live in a little house which might be 700 square feet. maybe 650. Either way it’s 2 bedrooms and it was fine for Michael and I, but now we have my little sister here too so we are trying to do some reorganizing. First, everything I had in two bedrooms is now in one. It’s why I just have piles of stuff everywhere. I don’t know what to do with it yet.

Today we decided to try to make our house as nice as we possibly could and we had a super duper day of working and painting and nailing and all kinds of stuff. Michael found Kendel this cute little bed frame and so I set her up with some paint and she primed it and painted it all herself. Then she painted a few other things for me. At one point I was in the house looking out at her and I was like, wait. Who the hell is that out there??!?!

Ever since Kendel was a young little boo-boo (thats what we called her) she could never sit still for longer than a minute and the idea of her sitting in the yard for 4+ hours painting was something I never ever thought I would see in a million years. Kendel is like this completely different person. In the past few years I haven’t really been around her much for a million different reasons but this time I have with her right now I will cherish always.

I just can’t believe it though, Kendel seems SO different. Almost more different that you think could be possible. I am just so happy to have her around but I feel bad because I have been really depressed and I am trying so hard to pull myself out of it but I am having a hard time, Grrrr.

I have been way mega super busy this term and thus have avoided all the people I care about… Today was the first time in months that I hung out with my family. I gave Katie a cool hair cut along with some highlights and we also had a little bit of fun in there somewhere…

If you view the photo set you can see a picture of Kendel’s 5 month baby bump. We are all real excited for a new little addition to our lives.

This term is over and tomorrow Michael and I are leaving on a totally fly by the seat of our pants road trip to New Mexico. I will try my best to update the blog whenever we run across some wireless. I sooooooooo need a week of something that involves not sitting at my desk, and some sun would be nice too.

Lets start with something funny…
Scenario: Everyone tasting some fun-size snickers, the dark chocolate variety.
Me: chew, chew, chew, bleh! “These taste like ass!”
Michael’s sweet and proper never cursing Mom: laughing “How much ass have you tasted Laycie?”

The holidays are a special time of year, a time of giving and a time of being with people you love and having lots of fun. We always have lots of fun with Michael’s family and this year is no exception. Usually Michael and I pick up my family and go out to his parents but since Katie got her license she picked up my mom and Kendel instead.

They arrived first and thought they’d play a nice little joke on me. Last year my youngest sister Kendel didn’t come to Christmas and I was really mad, so this year when I walked in and didn’t see her I tried my best not to freak out. I quietly asked Katie where she was and accepted the fact she skipped out again.

I noticed this huge present by the tree and it made me very curious. Katie tells me it’s from her and that I should open it now. I told her that I wanted to wait ’till it was present time but she wasn’t having it so I pulled the paper off and my little Kendel jumped up to hug me. Now that is what Christmas is all about…playing emotional tricks on those you love. I told Katie that it was a total toss up after I asked her where Kendel was, I don’t know why I chose to pretend I was unaffected when I just as easily could have started screaming too. Oh such fun!

I have a new camera to play with now, Michael’s parents got me the wonderful Canon Digital Elph that I have been wanting…it’s so neat-o! I also got some new speakers for the Jeep thanks to my love and now I can listen to some cool tunes on my drive to Seattle on Wednesday morning, yaay! Not that having blown speakers stopped me from listening to music but now I can do the music justice.

I gave Michael a remote control Volkswagen Bus and watching him play with it was hilarious. You can plug your iPod into it too. It’s just too much. Oh the things you can find to blow money on, all for a laugh. Michael’s sister got a red Nano and now i want one too, but green of course, I mean of course!

After the Holidays comes the new year. When I think of this new year ahead I can’t help but reflect on the one that is almost over. This has been a crazy year for me…a big mistake, a death in the family, deciding to go back to school and to top it off Michael and I got engaged!

click the pic

This weekend in Seattle was crazy. We managed to find Michael an apartment (1 bedroom) but we were scared there for a minute. Saturday we had a few places to see and the first one was so freaking scary that I couldn’t wait to see something else. It was a dungeon in the basement of this scary apartment building and it was $575. I was vury scurrrd.

After we exhausted our craigslist leads we drove around looking for signs but every number we called was an answering machine and one number was even disconnected. We were out from 9 until 7 Saturday looking at places and we only saw 3 apartments and we stopped in at two open houses. One of the houses was so damn cute, I wanted to buy it but it was only about $600K.

We stopped at Pike’s Market and had some lunch. We also got a Seattle street map for apartment hunting directions. Michael got his favorite little donuts and Herm had some fried gizzards (eeew).

Sunday we saw 4 places between 11 and 1. I was able to line up appointments Saturday night after we got back to the hotel. One of those 4 places is the place Michael will be moving to on Saturday. It’s pretty cute, right by the burke-gilman trail, which goes right by the building Michael will work in. He’ll only have to ride his bike 2 miles on this trail and he’ll be at work!

Michael’s parents lined up our hotel and everything, we stayed at LaQuinta. LaKeenta! we kept saying that the whole weekend. There was breakfast in the mornings so that was cool, on Sunday night we payed to watch Little Miss Sunshine. Michael and I have already seen it but we really wanted to see it again and we thought his parents would get a kick out of it too. Herm liked it but I think Marlee slept through it.

Today is Michael’s last day working in Oregon City. It’s crazy, I can’t believe he’s going to Seattle . . .

This weekend we all went out to the cabin in Seaside and intended on doing some work but ended up just goofing off. The trip began Friday, Herm and Marlee (with Pila) picked me up at home (along with Princess who must come along so I can feed her the puree food that sustains her life) then we met Michael at work in Oregon City and picked him up too. We stopped for some burgerville, always gotta stop for that, then decided to stop in at Costco in Hillsboro.

Only thing was they couldn’t remember where it was so Herm told Marlee to ask a runner on the side of the road. I was like “He’s running, you can’t interrupt that” So as usual no one listens to me (ha ha). Well he got off lucky bacause he didn’t speak english. We’re driving along and there is another runner, Herm jerks the car over to the side and tells Malee to roll down the window. This all ends pretty funnily (yeah I said funnily). The woman is running past us the opposite way and Marlee gets so flustered at Herm making her ask for directions that she just yells out “Costco?” to the woman. It was so funny! The lady gave her directions though so that was good.

Herm loves Costco, it’s like Disneyland to him. So we looked at tons of stuff we weren’t going to buy, sat on couches, fantasized about cookies and pies (maybe that was just me) and then stood in line for 15 minutes to buy $10 worth of raspberries. When we got back to the car the cat and the dog were both in the drivers side, Pricess was on the floor and Pila on the seat. I was trying to imagine what people thought when they walked past the car to go shopping. If I saw that I would think there was some crazy ass woman (yeah it would have to be a woman, ha ha) taking her cat and dog for a ride. Who brings their cat in the car?

Then off to Seaside! Well not quite, had to stop at DQ for some chocolate dipped cones on the way. Priness was so hungry (what’s new) that I let her have some of my ice cream, she loved it! Oh another little thing about Princess on this excursion, she was so hungry she was trying to eat this bag of bread that was in the back window. So we kept trying to stop her but she was damn hungry so again she tried to get up and get the bread but part of the bag was hanging down on my arm that I had over Michael’s shoulder and Princess took a big fat juicy bite into my flesh! Ouch!

Saturday morning no one was really feeling like putting up shingles or soffits on the garage (which was what we went to do), so instead we decided to go to Astoria and get some doughnuts and stop at every single garage sale along the way. Sounds fun to me!

The doughnuts were good, of course, and the garage sales were pretty fun too. Herm bought a 1/2 lb chocolate Hershey kiss, who sells that at a garage sale? Angie got Pila a stuffed animal so she could have something to chew on.

At one sale there was a Turkey across the street and Michael called me over to see it. It was so funny, I wished we had taken the camera. I had never seen a turkey before, they look so pre-historic with their crazy heads and scary feet. This guy was funny though, he was getting all puffed up and putting on a show.

Then we drove over to Washington and to Long Beach then back to Seaside. It was a fun Saturday!

Sunday we went and ate at Camp 18, got really stuffed then headed home.

We went and watched the parade this weekend and it was pretty fun. Michael works with a woman who invited us to a parking lot they rent to watch the parade from. We arrived Friday and camped out in the back of the jeep then watched the parade on Saturday.

It is mad craziness down there, people camp out on the sidewalks to be sure they get the spot they want so they have a good veiw of the parade. It was fun to see.

The family that rented out the parking lot has watched the parade there for years and they rent the parking lot from the owner and charge $35 a car to friends and family to park there and get a place on the sidewalk to see the parade. They donate the money to a charity.

We took some pictures and put them up on Flickr

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