I don’t even really know how to word this or form it into some sort of magical story so I am just going to plop it out here. I was at the grocery store today and I started crying. In the store. In front of people. Tears. Pouring.

I was trying to get a grip on myself but you know how when something just hits you so hard that tears just start pouring down your face, yeah that was happening and I was trying to stop it but I couldn’t and then when Kendel looked at me and asked what was wrong I just started crying. Why is it the moment you try to put words to something the real crying starts? I don’t know but when I cry I don’t usually do it in front of other people let alone strangers in a grocery store.

So what got me going was this guy. I saw him when I came into the produce section. He was in a wheel chair. I always try to make a great effort to not stare but I am always curious about disabled people so I was looking at him and I gave him a big smile. He was already smiling but he turned it up a notch for me. I looked down and I noticed that he had both his legs amputated. One was just above the knee and the other was just below the knee.

I don’t know exactly what it was but after he smiled at me and I saw his legs were missing I just felt so bad for him. He was a totally happy looking guy who was pushing not only himself around but also his own shopping cart and there was no one with him. This overwhelming sadness just filled my heart because I realized that all the shit I have going on in my life, all the stuff I think is so huge and so sad and so this or that, is nothing. I really realized standing right there that I have everything to live for and not one single thing to sit and cry about.

I have my legs, I can run and jump. I have everything I need to do anything and a million people would kill to be in my shoes yet somedays I can’t even be bothered to put my shoes on. I just felt so small and vain and ridiculous after I saw this guy. I wanted to hug him and tell him thank you for smiling at me. I truly feel that this small moment in the store today did something huge inside of me.

Even thinking about it again right now makes me want to cry. I just think about the days where I don’t want to leave my house because I feel fat or ugly and I’m all caught up with what everyone is thinking of me and yet here is this guy who people really are going to look at and he’s out there doing his own thing with a huge smile on his face. It really, really made me feel like a pathetic excuse for a person. I was embarrassed for myself.

People just amaze me. I think the strength we all have is so beautiful and sometimes I just can’t even think about it all because it’s just too much and I don’t want to cry all day. I’m going to Bend today and I have been doing my best all week to get my mindset in a positive, happy and open place. I’m not going to let my body issues or anything else get in the way of having fun this weekend and I will do my best to make it continue when I get home.

The crazy cat lady has a carved a crazy cat pumkin!

We went out to the Bauman Farms Pumpkin Patch today and picked out some cool awesome mud covered pumpkins. I have only been to a pumpkin patch this one time when I was little and my grandparents took me. I only know I went because I have a picture of me and my grandpa there.

Bauman Farms was awesome though. They had all kinds of fun stiff for kids and they have a little store where they sell veggies and stuff and they have AMAZING apple cider and apple cider donuts! PLUS they had animals out that you could pet and I always love to pet the animals!

I’m super tired right now and nothing very interesting happened today besides me cleaning the house and carving a cat pumkin but I just wanted to continue my streak of posts… I’m even going to cheat and change my time stamp so it says the 11th, when technically it’s the 12th. See I’m so tired I’m telling you about my trickery and I never reveal my trickery.

Today I didn’t go to my class. I felt ill when I woke up but I think it might have just been that I overexerted myself yesterday. I was off the couch for a record amount of time and got lots of things accomplished. It wiped me out.

I got out of bed at like 10 today and then proceeded to put a movie in the dvd player I’m borrowing so that I can watch things and play online at the same time. Yeah, I don’t have a television in case you were curious. The movie I chose was The Good Girl. The rest of my day was quite boring and leaning more towards what my days have been like for the past months. I did go to WinCo so we have food now, yaay!

On Sunday I put up those shelves in my bedroom so I could try and sew in there also. The bedrooms in this house are teeny and so you would be amazed at how much stuff I am now storing on the wall. The shelves look super heavy duty and maybe even a little over the top but I did them all by myself so I am proud. When I finish cleaning up I will post some pictures.

What’s sad is that I haven’t sewn in so long I barely recognize my sewing machines. They used to be my closest friends, I knew all their quirks and actually remembered which ones were “in use” and which ones needed servicing. Realizing that it’s been so long since I have sewn, when I used to sew hours daily, makes me sad. I’m sure I will get right back into it but I’m kinda scared hence the procrastinating “must organize my stuff” mindset.

I thought I had something interesting to write about but I can’t remember it. I sometimes write little thoughts down but then I can’t really remember the whole idea and I just get frustrating.

Here’s something pretty exciting. We had $257 of usage charges on our AT&T bill this month!!! Apparently no one we talk to has AT&T and instead they have T-mobile so what used to be free mobile-mobile is now no longer free since we had to leave T-mobile to use the iPhones. ANYWAY, I called AT&T and after half an hour they reduced the charges by half. At least they did something.

The lady I was talking to kept asking me the same questions over an over again and couldn’t understand that I hadn’t been checking my minutes. I told her we had a 800 minute plan on our other phone and never even got close to using half the minutes so I figured the 700 minute plan from at&t would be all good. Well out of 6 years with cell phones this had never happened to us so I guess it was about time.

I also forgot to write about my 5 mile run I did last Wednesday. It went great and I felt so good that I haven’t ran since. I was going to run today but Rhianna is afraid of the rain (haha) so I just ended up going on a walk with the fam.

Happy Thursday everyone! I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about my hand and my infinite sadness but apparently the stupid person I called to make the appointment with gave a me a short time with the doctor so she made me pick which was most important to me. I didn’t pick my hand, and being able to use my hand is very important to me.

She asked me how I was feeling and how long it had been going on and whatever else she could fit into 3 minutes, made me fill out some little questionnaire things and then told me that from my symptoms I could possibly be anemic so she ordered some blood work and decided to ask me real quick about my hand and ordered one more little blood test to check for something that could cause arthritis, or something.

I just saw Michael Moore’s Sicko movie last week and the whole time I was sitting the room waiting I just kept thinking about that movie and how it’s so insane how suck-a-licious health care is here. I have never felt like my doctor truely cared about me because they are only giving you like 30 seconds to tell them your problem and how can you really treat someone when maybe you aren’t getting the whole story.

Who knows, I hate the doctors office and that’s why this is only the second time I have been there in 12 years. I was trying to see if I could never go again but my dumb hand and my mom’s constant ramblings about how I need to be checked for rheumatoid arthritis just bounce around in my head.

So I have another appointment in a few weeks to go back and see what my blood told her. Probably nothing more than: this girl eats too much icecream and hasn’t had enough hamburgers in the past few months. Hopefully it says something helpful though.

I have a low heart rate, not because I am an elite athlete but just because I am awesome, and I love seeing how people react to it. When I had my fun little surgery I was hooked up to come machine that kept beeping because my rate was dropping too low and yesterday the doctor listened to my heart and brought a clock in to count my pulse, what kind of doctor doesn’t have a watch with a second hand, come on!

I’m not sure what I really got out of the doctors appointment besides flashbacks to my grade school counseling sessions when I would just start crying because I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes the words coming out of your mouth just make things more real and sometimes I don’t want things to be real, I want them to be pretend fake things that I can forget about.

Having your blood taken sucks. It’s annoying and disgusting. I am not a fan and I don’t recommend it as a leisurely activity.

Besides all that my life pretty much revolves around Kendel and baby. I’m fine with that right now because I love my sister and who doesn’t love babies? I’m holding the little glow worm right now, she’s so cute! Kendel wraps her up all snug and we call her the little burrito or the little glow worm.

Lately I pretty much never know what day it is, seriously. It’s funny but also kind of stupid because knowing what day it is seems like the one thing everyone at any minute would know. I figured out what day today is because I saw the neighbor lady putting out her trash and I know that Wednesday is trash day so that makes today Wednesday. Which day of the month is another story…

So I put out the trash this morning and I had a hankering to get out the fancy camera and take some fabulous photos of my cats. I wouldn’t be the crazy cat lady if I didn’t do this. Those pictures are loading onto the computer right now as I write this, all 60+ of them.

It has been so beautiful the past few days and I have been outside almost the entire day both yesterday and the day before yet my skin isn’t getting any darker. it’s weird, you think I would have this super tan, but no, just a regular tan. I don’t want skin cancer or anything but I am enjoying the fact that I am not so pale people think I am ill. I have actually been asked why I am so pale before, like there is some pale disorder. Like I have an answer as to why my skin is so white, other than the fact that I AM a white person after all. Sometimes people ask the weirdest questions.

This one teacher I had in high school swore that I was sick and actually got my mom to make a doctors appointment for me to see if I had anything wrong. From that point on I just made sure to put blush on everyday.

So back to this tan thing, I happen to have the worst farmers tan ever in the world. I work outside in capri pants and a t-shirt and when I am bending down a lot the back of my shirt comes up and exposes my lower back, so I have a tan lower back, back of my neck, face and arms. Nothing else on me is tan but I think it’s funny.

I had this same tan like 2 years ago when we went to hawaii and in some of the pictures it looks like my lower back is dirty or something because it got so tan, it’s kinda gross when captured in a photo. As you can tell I am just waiting for my super amazing pictures to load, they take forever because I think the camera was set on super awesome was huge giant photo setting and each pic is like a mega bite.

I went running last night out on the Dallas hwy and I saw this sign in someones yard for college painters. I see these signs all over town in the summer but I’m not sure if they all say this: House Painting by Excellent College Students. hmmm. Okay, I want my house painted by an excellent painter, not some douche who gets straight A’s in college. I just thought it was a weird sign. They should re-word it: Excellent House Painting by College Students. Who wants the best brain surgeon in the world to do their dental work? Dental Work by Excellent Brain Surgeon!, umm no. What I want to know is if these students are so excellent then why are they not in summer school? Why are they letting their brains waste away by painting houses. I mean seriously, if you are excellent at something it pretty much means its the only thing you do. haha.

I know this because I am not excellent at anything, I am pretty good at a hand full of things but not excellent at any of them because I can’t buckle down and just do one thing. Being excellent at something is lame anyway, there is no room for improvement. I think the moment I became excellent at something I would just quit. I mean what do you do after you are excellent, become more excellenter? yeah I don’t think so.

Wow, my pics just got done and there are 92 of them! LOL 92 cat pictures. Let me take a break and see what a pretty good cat photographer I am.

Here is spunky being the punk she usually is:

Here is Peanutbutter:

Here’s Badger:

And lastly Badger talking to a dog:

I am selling some stuff on eBay and I just got a weird question. It is for a long sleeve gray shirt from american eagle and the person asked me where the logo is on the shirt. My first thought was, seriously?!?! seriously, you care about logos that much? but then I had another thought, maybe they don’t think its really from ae and that I’m lying or something. who knows. people are crazy and then there’s me with 4 cats and a camera in my yard on a early Wednesday morning.

Yeah I was working on taking off some old siding that was all yuckers and I ended up getting distracted and stepped on my pile of wood with nails in it, the very pile I made so this sort of thing would not happen. I was wearing my converse at the time and the nail had no problem getting to my foot. I took a picture today but it looked way awesomer yesterday.

I also took some other pictures, like of the blood streak in the bottom of my shoe from when I took my shoe off the millisecond after my puncture. I don’t normally get injured, I like to think it’s because I’m awesome but I think it is more that I basically stay away from danger. I don’t do anything dangerous in my daily life, besides drive while texting, cut towards myself when I use a knife and wear my tampons way longer than I am supposed to, but other than that my life is danger free.

Piles of wood with nails in it are dangerous and will no longer be piled on the ground next to me when I work. Piles of wood with nails in it will remain in the wheel barrow or some other place where I am not likely to step. Though one of my cats could run up and bite me, which would startle me to no end and send me flying onto wheel barrow with the pile of wood with nails in it. Piles of wood with nails in it can be dangerous no matter where you put them I suppose.

I hope my foot heals pretty quick because I can’t run let alone walk and even though I haven’t ran in a week the thought that now I can’t even if I want to just sorta pisses me off.

On another note Kendel’s baby bump dropped which means the baby is getting into position for delivery and putting some more pressure down there so the cervix dilates, this my friends is one exciting thing! I am so stoked to be the best aunt ever in the world. I can add it to my other best _____ of the world titles. So far I hold: Best Cat Owner of the World, Best Girlfriend of the World, Best Sister of the World and of course Best Daughter of the World (this title is not currently recognized by either parent but I DO have it ;) ) I’m sure I forgot a few of the other ones but when you start to be so good at so many things you kinda lose track.

Yesterday I decided to quit being a loser. Loser to me means not running, not caring about anything and not trying to do anything. Today I ran and I cared and I tried, so today was the first day of me not being a loser anymore.

I woke up and had rice krispy treats for breakfast, they are made from cereal after all. Then I tried my best to procrastinate on my run so I did laundry and sat on the couch for a bit pondering my existence. At 11 I got off the couch.

I geared up with my running watch and my groovy green shoes and went out for a run. I was only going to go for 3 but once I was out there I figured I would just go all the way and do 5. I had to walk a lot but I finished in 1 hour and 10 minutes. I felt really good when I got done but when I was out there I had a few problems pop up.

First after about a mile my shoulder started killing me. My hey I drive in front of school buses shoulder. So that sucked but the pain went away and I got a stitch in my side on two different occasions. I tried to do what I read in Runner’s World to relieve the pain but I think I forgot exactly what that was supposed to be because it wasn’t working too well.

I also took my iPod with me but I don’t usually run outside with my iPod so I wasn’t digging on it too well. I like to hear people mowing their lawns and sawing things in their garage as I go through the neighborhood. First I took one earbud out, 5 minutes later I turned my iPod off.

Being out there with the sounds of people doing things is really relaxing to me. I love when people do stuff. It reminds me of when these apartments we lived in were getting a face-lift. The dudes were putting up vinyl siding and I would sit there and watch them work for hours on end. I love watching people do stuff.

That reminds me of another thing. When I was in the 5th grade my friend had a nintendo and I had more fun watching her play it than I did actually playing myself. I’m not a watcher though, I’m a doer. I love doing. Anyway, I’m getting off track here.

So I’m out there running and I’m trying to think of clever things to blog about or clever things to say in my YouTube video for today and then I just start thinking about how dumb I am for wearing a black shirt when it’s sunny out and that my face feels real hot and is probably beat red. I start thinking about everything BUT how hard this run is for me. Running used to seem so breezy, now I struggle.

These 5 miles weren’t flat miles either. These were hilly miles. The kind of hills that if you forgot to hit the break on grandma’s wheel chair she’d be doing 0-60 in about 5 seconds. Heart breaking hills. But I did them and I am going to do them again tomorrow.

After I ran I decided to finish up the pictures for some ebay auctions I am going to list. All I need to do now is actually get my butt onto eBay and list. Then at like 3 my friend Summer called me and said she was going to be in Salem at like 5:30 and wanted us all to have dinner together so I did that too. Look at Foxygreen leaving the house and shit. What is going on?

Kendel has about 4 weeks ’till baby Elianna is due to arrive into this amazing world where she’ll be lucky to have the most amazing Aunt to ever live, yeah that’d be me. I am super excited to have a baby in the house because truth be told I myself want kids like a fat kid wants candy.

It’s been really cool to be at Kendel’s side these past two months and help her have some sort of stability for when the baby comes but what hasn’t been cool is my sympathy pain. I get back aches just about as rarely as I get headaches but this past week Kendel has been having some pretty bad back pain so guess who else has also been having back pain, yeah that’d be me. I have heard about sympathy pain before but to experience it is another thing.

Kendel is also starting to have some pretty bad cravings and they aren’t so bizarre that I don’t want to join in on the fun. Cinnamon rolls, I’m there… Bean burritos from Taco Bell, Yeah I like those… Ice cream, mmmmm. See what I’m getting at? I’m eating like I’m growing a baby, a big fat sugar addicted baby, but I’m not pregnant. I kinda look like I’m 3 months pregnant but I’m not, I’m just getting bigger and bigger by the day though.

I have been wearing the same jeans for over two weeks and as you all probably know, jeans stretch out the longer you wear them. So I’ve been wearing my super comfortable, not at all tight, jeans. I’ve been feeling like I am doing alright but then today I decide to wear a different pair of pants only to discover that they are WAY tight. I realize that I need to stop eating with Kendel and maybe even go outside and get some exercise. I’m a lazy bum of a person, the only way I wouldn’t be this way though is if I was a stripper. If I was a stripper I wouldn’t eat past the point of being full, I wouldn’t slack off on my exercise and I wouldn’t have to worry about what I had to wear either.