I’ll be honest and tell you that it has been really hard for me to keep up this blog knowing that my ex-boyfriend can read it as well as his family and any of our mutual friends who may now just be his friends or whatever. And the reason it has been hard is because I am afraid of being judged, I am afraid of hurting peoples feelings and I guess the biggest thing is that I am just afraid to say a lot of things but for whatever reason they are inside of me and I just want to write about them and share them because as I have said before I don’t think anything bad can come from sharing your experiences with other people. In a hard time who doesn’t want to look out into the world and be able to find someone who has shared the same experiences or thoughts? There is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone.

I think, a lot. Basically all I do is think about how I got to where I am, why I am here and how I can possibly get somewhere that is a little brighter and possibly has a trampoline for me to jump on. I have been thinking about so many things and I just felt like they were way too intense to write about here for whatever reason. I am obviously afraid of being judged and sometimes I just don’t want to share certain things because I have this idea in my head that people are going to think all this blog is is a place for me to feel sorry for myself. What I want this place to be is a place to kind of vent my shit and move on. I would like to show anyone out there who is in my shoes or shoes that are at least the same color that we can get through this mud and when we do there will be a hose sitting there and we can use it to blow this crap off.

There are days where I am thinking about something and then I just feel like I am in a cartoon or something because this little lightbulb appears above my head and it just sits there lighting up the room. The thing that lit me up today is the fact that my life is repeating itself in a way. When I was 17 I moved in with Michael and I soon began to experience my first bouts with depression. All I could do was analyze the life I had just escaped and it consumed me. I was constantly upset because I just didn’t understand how my mother could treat me the way she did, I just saw everything differently and I was stuck sitting in the past wondering why I hadn’t been loved like I felt I deserved.

I was a good kid. I went to school, I got good grades, I did almost everything my mom asked with minimal resistance and I got nothing for it. She constantly accused me of doing drugs, if I was doing homework instead of dishes she would scream at me, she threw things at me when I wouldn’t fight with her like she wanted, she basically hated me because I didn’t play her games and I wasn’t turning out to be the fucked up mess she thought I would be. I could never figure out why she was always so angry at me.

The weird thing is that the whole time I lived with my mom I just made up excuses for her, I rarely ever admitted to anyone the crazy shit she did to me, I was in denial because I just wanted to believe that my life really wasn’t like that and that my mother really didn’t mean to be the selfish bitch that she was. But the second I wasn’t living in that life and having to deal with her shit I had a sort of mental breakdown. I realized too many things about the life I just stepped out of and it was unbearable to deal with. I still in a way deal with those feelings but it’s not like it used to be.

I felt like I couldn’t stop thinking about my past with my mom until I had made sense of everything but that was never ever going to happen. There was no sense to be made other than my mom was just completely selfish and only cared about herself. I did waste a good 5 years dwelling on it though before I slowly let it go. Of course I still think about it a lot when something pops into my head but I don’t let it consume my days anymore.

The thing I realized today is that I am going through this cycle again, only this time it is with my ex boyfriend. He was there for me when I was hit with all the harsh realizations I had about my mom but how was I ever to know that he was going to be the next person in a whole new cycle of the same shit.

When we broke up I didn’t move forward. I dug my feet into the dirt and I tried to analyze everything because I thought that would make it easier or even okay for me to move on. I couldn’t see the things that awaited me without him in my life, I just sat around obsessing over the past 10 years and wondering how I ended up here. I moved out from living with my controlling mother and instead of taking control I just felt so comfortable in the seat I was already in that I just let it happen all over again. I feel stupid on so many levels here but I feel like I am just now seeing with him what it took me 5 years to see with my mother.

All this dwelling and wondering and this time I am spending trying to make sense of our 10 years together is a waste of my mind. The past is over and there is no amount of thinking that is going to make it any better or worse. I wasn’t happy with him anymore and once I realized that I wish I could have just held onto it and ran but instead I set it down and started picking up all this other crap that I wanted to understand.

I think I did that because in a way I was controlled and manipulated into doing some things that have really hurt me and caused me a lot of grief. One of the big things too is that even though I know he loved me I just don’t feel like he really truly did. I felt like more of an object than a person and in trying to understand why I think I just wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again but all it really did was just send me into a deeper spiral of depression.

Controlling people have a way with your mind and once you get out from under their influence I think your own thoughts are hard to deal with because you are unsure of everything. I have been so used to being under the influence of someone else my whole life that I am completely lost right now, I think I am finding my way but it’s a daily chore and it’s very difficult. I think all the anxiety I have right now is just simply because I am so unsure of myself and the minute I make a decision I start second guessing it.

I hope that my anxiety starts to fade just like some of the other crap but I have a feeling that if I just keep the focus on moving forward that everything will certainly fade off into the distance. I also just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who reads and to everyone who comments, it has been nice to share my thoughts over these past 3 years and know that someone is hearing them.