I’ve decided the blog will live… I started to think of this as a story and you know, I’m just not ready to leave this as the ending. If I go out it should be with a bang and going out now would be going out with a flop. Anyway, good news for me and you… thank you to everyone for being all supportive and crap, I shall continue on with the sharing of thoughts and funny happenings.

Anyway, I am so tired right now but my first official day of work was today and it was super great and awesome and I am just really excited about life right now. I can’t wait to share the good times again so we can all forget about the bad ones I have been putting myself through. Peace and love my little mini stalkers (totally kidding).

…and sadly enough I’ve decided not to renew it. It’s doubtful I will start another website immediately but if you would like to know when I do just leave a comment here and I will save your email address.

You can also email me: Laycie at foxygreen dot com.

I’ll be honest and tell you that it has been really hard for me to keep up this blog knowing that my ex-boyfriend can read it as well as his family and any of our mutual friends who may now just be his friends or whatever. And the reason it has been hard is because I am afraid of being judged, I am afraid of hurting peoples feelings and I guess the biggest thing is that I am just afraid to say a lot of things but for whatever reason they are inside of me and I just want to write about them and share them because as I have said before I don’t think anything bad can come from sharing your experiences with other people. In a hard time who doesn’t want to look out into the world and be able to find someone who has shared the same experiences or thoughts? There is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone.

I think, a lot. Basically all I do is think about how I got to where I am, why I am here and how I can possibly get somewhere that is a little brighter and possibly has a trampoline for me to jump on. I have been thinking about so many things and I just felt like they were way too intense to write about here for whatever reason. I am obviously afraid of being judged and sometimes I just don’t want to share certain things because I have this idea in my head that people are going to think all this blog is is a place for me to feel sorry for myself. What I want this place to be is a place to kind of vent my shit and move on. I would like to show anyone out there who is in my shoes or shoes that are at least the same color that we can get through this mud and when we do there will be a hose sitting there and we can use it to blow this crap off.

There are days where I am thinking about something and then I just feel like I am in a cartoon or something because this little lightbulb appears above my head and it just sits there lighting up the room. The thing that lit me up today is the fact that my life is repeating itself in a way. When I was 17 I moved in with Michael and I soon began to experience my first bouts with depression. All I could do was analyze the life I had just escaped and it consumed me. I was constantly upset because I just didn’t understand how my mother could treat me the way she did, I just saw everything differently and I was stuck sitting in the past wondering why I hadn’t been loved like I felt I deserved.

I was a good kid. I went to school, I got good grades, I did almost everything my mom asked with minimal resistance and I got nothing for it. She constantly accused me of doing drugs, if I was doing homework instead of dishes she would scream at me, she threw things at me when I wouldn’t fight with her like she wanted, she basically hated me because I didn’t play her games and I wasn’t turning out to be the fucked up mess she thought I would be. I could never figure out why she was always so angry at me.

The weird thing is that the whole time I lived with my mom I just made up excuses for her, I rarely ever admitted to anyone the crazy shit she did to me, I was in denial because I just wanted to believe that my life really wasn’t like that and that my mother really didn’t mean to be the selfish bitch that she was. But the second I wasn’t living in that life and having to deal with her shit I had a sort of mental breakdown. I realized too many things about the life I just stepped out of and it was unbearable to deal with. I still in a way deal with those feelings but it’s not like it used to be.

I felt like I couldn’t stop thinking about my past with my mom until I had made sense of everything but that was never ever going to happen. There was no sense to be made other than my mom was just completely selfish and only cared about herself. I did waste a good 5 years dwelling on it though before I slowly let it go. Of course I still think about it a lot when something pops into my head but I don’t let it consume my days anymore.

The thing I realized today is that I am going through this cycle again, only this time it is with my ex boyfriend. He was there for me when I was hit with all the harsh realizations I had about my mom but how was I ever to know that he was going to be the next person in a whole new cycle of the same shit.

When we broke up I didn’t move forward. I dug my feet into the dirt and I tried to analyze everything because I thought that would make it easier or even okay for me to move on. I couldn’t see the things that awaited me without him in my life, I just sat around obsessing over the past 10 years and wondering how I ended up here. I moved out from living with my controlling mother and instead of taking control I just felt so comfortable in the seat I was already in that I just let it happen all over again. I feel stupid on so many levels here but I feel like I am just now seeing with him what it took me 5 years to see with my mother.

All this dwelling and wondering and this time I am spending trying to make sense of our 10 years together is a waste of my mind. The past is over and there is no amount of thinking that is going to make it any better or worse. I wasn’t happy with him anymore and once I realized that I wish I could have just held onto it and ran but instead I set it down and started picking up all this other crap that I wanted to understand.

I think I did that because in a way I was controlled and manipulated into doing some things that have really hurt me and caused me a lot of grief. One of the big things too is that even though I know he loved me I just don’t feel like he really truly did. I felt like more of an object than a person and in trying to understand why I think I just wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again but all it really did was just send me into a deeper spiral of depression.

Controlling people have a way with your mind and once you get out from under their influence I think your own thoughts are hard to deal with because you are unsure of everything. I have been so used to being under the influence of someone else my whole life that I am completely lost right now, I think I am finding my way but it’s a daily chore and it’s very difficult. I think all the anxiety I have right now is just simply because I am so unsure of myself and the minute I make a decision I start second guessing it.

I hope that my anxiety starts to fade just like some of the other crap but I have a feeling that if I just keep the focus on moving forward that everything will certainly fade off into the distance. I also just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who reads and to everyone who comments, it has been nice to share my thoughts over these past 3 years and know that someone is hearing them.

My job interview yesterday went well, if I pass the drug test I will have a job, Kendel broke her foot and is living on the couch, Ellie is walking all over the place, green is still my favorite color, I’m wearing my last clean pair of underwear, I dyed my hair dark brown, there is something currently stuck behind my permanent retainer on my bottom teeth, I just ate two bites of whipped cream with a measuring spoon because I was too lazy to wash a real one, I have been wearing flip-flops every day and my feet are callously and the smell has convinced me to bathe more frequently than I prefer, I still have tan knees and I think that is rad, I tried to stay off the internet for two days but I cheated on my phone and gave up, I deleted my youtube account, I lost the lens cap to my camera again and it’s bothering me a lot more than it should, I stepped in a wet regurgitated food covered hair-ball this morning compliments of one of my compulsive ass liking pets, Kendel and I named the enormous female cat that lives on our property and I think that is a bad sign, my favorite thing to eat right now is green beans, my favorite thing to drink is the 3 day old water in the glass beside my bed, I have been working on my collection of colorful and fun bracelets and it is very satisfying to see them all scattered on my desk, I tried to go see the x-files movie at the cheap theater with Kendel last night but since they serve beer we couldn’t get in because Kendel is only 19, I’m looking forward to watching the x-files movie when it comes out on DVD real soon, I am tired and it’s not 3am, my gimp shoulder has been hurting, anxiety is kicking my ass, there is currently a package of oreos in my kitchen and it has lasted several days, my feather pillow with the bright vintage soft floral case is the best thing I’ve ever layed my head on and this blog post was fun to spit out.

I went to the zoo with Kendel and Ellie today and we had an awesome time even though it was a bazillion degrees outside and I was so sweaty I looked like I peed myself. I got past it though and embraced the fact that I would never see any of these people again so who the hell cares.

After we got back into Salem we went home so I could peel my wet pants off and replace them with some dry ones and then I went out looking for something to wear to my interview. I’m not going to tell you everywhere I went or that when I was at AE trying on size 14 pants, that I was most certain wouldn’t fit, I had a flood of happiness because I was wearing something that fit! I’m not going to tell you all that though, what I will tell you is how much of a dork I am.

I was in the Target dressing room just a mere 30 minutes ago, trying on some khaki pants and this white shirt that was supposed to be baggy but the kind of baggy that only looks good on a super skinny girl, because you know she doesn’t need to wear anything baggy but when she does it just looks super cute. Anyway, I put the pants on, thought they were alright even though the front pockets were doing this funked out thing where it looked like they were trying to leap off the side of my leg, they had cute buttons though, kind of like sailor pants, so I was willing to possibly overlook the pocket problem but my problems were only beginning. The real trouble started with the previously mentioned baggy styled shirt that I was thinking would just kind of be a little more flattering on me considering the fact that I am 6 months pregnant with a dozen cupcakes.

I put the shirt on and right away the cute buttons on the shirt mixed with the cute buttons on the pants are like detail overload and I get the urge to take them both off but then I decide since the dressing room is empty that I will go out and look at myself in the mirror in the hall so I can get a better overall picture of myself. I have been known to only want to wear the same thing over and over so I was willing to get a second mirror opinion and try to be a little more open minded.

I step out of my tiny room where I was only about 12″ from the mirror and I am now about 10 feet from the mirror in the hall. First thing I notice is lumpyness. The shirt fabric is just hanging on every little thing and the pants looked hideous. I tried to laugh off the fact I looked so bad by acting funny and saying Hi I’m fat, can I have a job? all sarcastically to myself but not really to myself because I said it aloud and then I go back into my room and take the outfit off and as I’m putting all the reject clothes back on the hangers I’m saying no, no, no, no and that’s when I hear a lady cough in the room right next to me. I thought I was alone, as if that makes it okay to talk to myself, but I wasn’t and I was being a complete ding dong so I hurried and got out of there so she wouldn’t see my face. Hopefully I at least gave her a good story.

What I realized though is that when no one else is around to cheer me up that I am perfectly willing to step up to the plate an do it, even if it means people think I am insane. At least I’m laughing right?

I normally have a horrendous time shopping but tonight I didn’t. I was buying things that looked good on me right now (well at least more flattering that all my too tight t-shirts that literally show the outline of my last cupcake) and I was feeling good about myself. Who cares if I am bigger than I used to be, I’m still super awesome as I demonstrated tonight in the dressing room.

I just want my body to match my lifestyle, and right now I’m a runner in my soul but not in my real life so I can quit thinking my body should look like a runner’s body and just be who I am right now. I might not even be here tomorrow so I better love myself right this minute and boy I tell ya I do. I’m super happy right now if you can’t tell, it’s probably just some mild mania but I will take it.

Word on the street is that I got a job interview. I applied at Costco a month ago and I just got a call today to schedule an interview which is going to be Tuesday. I’m not sure I would have got an interview on my own since I have no work history for the past 9 years but I happen to know someone who is a manager there and we actually worked together at KFC so he knows I am a good little worker bee.

I have been fumbling around with my life for the past 8 months and I just need a change. I had dreams of running my own business but right now that’s not going to be my number one goal. Right now I just need to do something that is going to make me feel good about myself and I feel that having a job will do that for me, at the least it will supply me with money to pay my bills.

I mean, I have been trying to keep at my own thing but it’s just not working out and I feel like most people look at me and think, um get a job and then you would have money. I mean, it just seems like an easy answer but yet it has taken so much for me to decide to do it. For one I was dead set on not having a real job ever again, you know, just working for myself but since I am lonely and depressed that just is not going so well for me. I just need someone else to be accountable to. I need to shake things up a bit.

I feel like I have been cooped up in a small apartment or house for the past 10 years and I just want out. I want to be out in the world, I want to meet new people, I want to give people service with a cheesy smile and I want to feel connected in some way to something else that isn’t all sad, stale and stinky like my life seems to be. I just want out of my own head!

anyway, thats the scoop for now. I have some juice about my mom but I am much too tired to type it and it seems like it wouldn’t really fit in here, like a side dish of fried chicken when the meal is meatloaf, just too much meat for one meal, it’d upset my stomach for sure.

Yesterday Kendel and I went to the gym in the morning and I left the front window open so the cats could go outside after they woke up and stretched and yadda yadda. Yeah my cats sleep in. Anyway, we get back from the gym and Badger just happens to be in the middle of munching on a bluejay. I was completely grossed out at having to witness this snack.

Badger has the worst gas ever, he can seriously make you go running from the house because you think the strench of his fart is going to soak into your hair and never leave. I know he eats animals, I know he murders on a daily basis. That’s all wonderful but I don’t want to see the dead bodies and I definitely do not want to see the lower half of a bird hanging out of his mouth.

I tried to shoo him out the door but he growled at me. Like I was trying to steal his birdy breakfast from him or something. He didn’t want to go out but I finally got him out and he jumped right back in the window so quick. I think he was more concerned with us knowing that he had caught and was in the middle of eating this bird than he was with just eating the bird in general.

Needless to say I bought a collar with a bell on it for my little murdering baby. I actually really like that Badger is a real cat and is willing to get dirty and kill his own meals. He is an animal after all and it’s nice to see that domestication hasn’t taken everything from him.

I guess that’s what is so lame about conditions of the mind. You want to control them and sometimes you even try to but in the end they are the ones who are controlling you. I like to think that any day now all this madness in my brain is going to just calm down like a pond 5 minutes after someone has thrown a rock into it. I guess my pond is located below a rocky cliff, the rocks just keep tumbling down.

Maybe I am doing something, like screaming at the top of my lungs, which is causing the rocks to rattle and fall but maybe it is just what the rocks were meant to do. I don’t know why I find it so much easier to explain my life in terms of other things but it just is. Right now I am a pond and my water is moving in waves crashing against the rocky edge that surrounds me.

I think about it though. I feel like I want my water to be calm and peaceful but maybe that is boring. Maybe life is all about having waves but just learning how to deal with them. As soon as I think I want something I realize that I don’t. I do think I want my mind to calm down but part of me doesn’t because in all of this craziness I feel like I am really alive and feeling things.

I think I tried too hard to keep my water calm in the past and some sick part of me wants to get back to that but then I remember that it wasn’t a calm happiness, is was a calm madness. Right now I am probably closer to happiness than I think but I will call my current state rapids of change. Change can’t happen without a little bit of crazy splashing.

You know what, now that I think of it some of the coolest people I have ever met have been a little crazy, I think I can make this work for me if I can just kick this infinite sadness that washes over me every other day. That’s easier said than done though I think.

For the past year and a half I have been depressed and I have done a long list of things but none of them have been good. I have said before how embarrassed I am about so many things that have happened this past year but that doesn’t really stop me from sharing them here and I think that says that I don’t plan on being this way forever and also that I am perfectly comfortable taking responsibility for my own failures.

I was trying to think today about the good things I have done since I normally focus on the bad and with each thing I thought about I got a little happier. It also made me realize that if I can change just a few small things about the way I think that I could probably be a lot happier day to day.

I am 28 years old and these are some of the things I am happy and or proud of myself for:

In grade school I got awards all the time because I loved school and I was a ridiculously attentive student but I think the very first thing I am truly proud of myself for is joining the track team in high school. I wasn’t amazing, I didn’t have any friends going into it, I sucked at nearly every event I tried and my parents never came to see me at a meet (my step mom did show up after one once) but I kept at it and I felt good that I did it even though no one else cared. I thought I was awesome. I still think I was awesome. side note here, one of my most embarrassing moments happened when I was on the track team.

embarrassing story: Okay, so the whole track team was crammed into a classroom watching tapes of our first meet and when the 400 meter event comes up I get a little worried because I finished dead last, and when I say dead I mean it. I thought I was going to die. So we are watching the race and at first I am keeping up with everyone but then I start to trail off and I am soon not even in the shot anymore, everyone crosses the line pretty close together and the camera pans back to pick me up and follow me across the line. The fact that my whole team was watching this was bad enough but one of the coaches goes “ooooooh kaaah-moooon!” and proceeds to fast forward the tape, not realizing that person was someone on our team. I almost died and the girls sitting around me who I had made friends with started laughing cause they knew it was me. I was super embarrassed but hey I lived. wow, see how easily I just lost focus there? Back to me talking about how wonderful I am.

The winter before I turned 17 I got my first job and it was at KFC. Lisa totally hooked me up with this one but I had been going out on my own with no help from my parents because I wanted a job so bad. For anyone who knew me then this was huge because I was TERRIBLY shy but I wasn’t about to be broke AND shy. Laycie got her first job and Lisa gets part of the credit! yay!

My next big thing would be graduating high school. I was the first person in my family and the only one in my immediate family. I gave myself a high five for this one!

I got my Associate’s degree from Chemeketa in 2002 and became the only person in my family to have a college degree of some sort. Once again high five!

Okay, I’m starting to feel like a weirdo now so I am just going to quickly rattle off some of the other things I have done that make me feel happy: I learned how to drive a manual and I got my license (even though I was nearly 20 this was a huge event!), I learned how to sell on eBay and then proceeded to sell and sell for many years. I went to WOU for way too many years and even though I have no degree I am still proud of the hard work and good grades I got. I have ran two marathons and a handful of other random road races. I have become a wonderful pet owner, even earning the title of acceptably acceptable cat hoarder of the year, okay I made that title up but hey I deserve it! And it may not seem like it but I AM proud of myself for being able to do what I needed to do after realizing that I wasn’t happy with Michael anymore even though it meant I would be terribly broke and devastatingly lonely… I’m not happy that I haven’t executed the aftermath of that realization too beautifully but I do plan on tying the whole mess up with a pretty green ribbon and that my dears makes me feel alright for now.