changes
Last night I decided to get a job for the time being. I’m failing pretty miserably at my own business right now because whenever I am alone my thoughts go to very weird places and I just can’t get anything done. I literally just sit in front of my sewing machine with stuff in my hands and I stare at the wall thinking about stuff. It sounds unbelievable but it happens very often. I don’t want to have a “job” for the rest of my life but right now I think it will help me greatly so I’m going for it.
Kendel and I have already made childcare arrangements for Elianna and next week I am taking Kendel to the DMV to take the permit test so that she can practice driving and then get her own car. Kendel has also been making plans to move out with her boyfriend so that’s really good too.
I think I have done the right thing by helping my sister but now it’s time for me to help myself. For the past few weeks I have known that the time had come for me to take that step out the door into my own life but I will be the first to admit that I definitely have reservations and fears about having a life where I am not taking care of someone else.
I think that it is just in my nature to take care of people, I took care of my sisters a lot when I was young and it just comes natural for me to want to help other people be happy. Kendel is happy right now, she has a job, a beautiful baby and a boy she loves… it’s time for me to quit using her as an excuse for not doing my own thing, it’s time for me to let go of her hand and step back.
Kendel and I went to the gym this morning and we worked it something fierce. I felt my workout for a good three hours afterward and I only did 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. I haven’t worked out that hard in a long time, it was really great!
Before we worked out we went into the locker room and I weighed myself… 203 pounds. That’s just craziness for me. As I stood there adjusting the little weights knowing that I was a good 200 pounds I got really sad. I had just showed Kendel around the gym and our final stop before heading up to the cardio room was the scale. We both weighed in and then we went up there and killed it. It was awesome and I felt good all day… I even made myself meals to eat! I really need some changes in my life and today I took serious steps toward them.
Posted in Running/Fitness, today |
July 4th, 2008 at 4:21 am
keep at it girl. weighing yourself before going in is a great idea, because if you get pissed off you work all the harder.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
W00T W00T!!! Good luck on the job darling! Hope you find something you like for the time being. I think it’s a good idea. And of course you know what I think about the gym. I don’t remember if you remember talking about the “living for yourself” thing. But, it’s so, so true. Life changes for the better once I started to do that. Still a work in progress but I’m progressing. It’s human nature to progress. I think you are on the right track. But, what do I know? I’m a little more f’ed up than most in my view. ;)
Happy 4th my dear Laycie.
Peace & Love
July 4th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I would never make it at my own business. I just do not have the focus.
July 4th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Awesome Foxy Lady!
I think things are going to be A-OK!
Sometimes I wish I was 200lbs. That is my dream weight.
;)
July 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
That’s awesome…
I check yor blog your blog sometimes and I am always wondering if she doesn’t work how does she pay rent(or mortgage), buy food gas etc…
I am not expecting you to answer these questions they just always pop into my mind when I drop in here.
It was curious in this post you called your niece Ellianna instead of Ellie.
I hope things go really well for you.
Good good luck with your changes.
July 4th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I am sending you positive vibrations from down here in Northern cali…..
See I can find you :)
Be well :)
July 4th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
@james: yes I think the weighing in before the workout is VERY motivating to get out there and kick some straight up lard. run my ass off literally.
@mrbradg: thanks for the comment, yes I am going to start trying to live for myself a little but just living in general will be better than what I have been doing which cannot be described as living but rather killing myself slowly with sadness and cookies.
@Rachel: Yes having your own business and actually making money at it does take a lot of focus, something I am finding hard right now. I just need someone to give me a job to do for awhile until I get my head back on straight. Plus I think working a job will motivate me to want to get back to my own thing were I can make more money.
@brad: I think things will be a-ok also. Everything just takes time and sometimes a little too much time but whatever.
@Cecilia: Oh I do work, just at home for myself. I sell stuff on ebay and doing custom sewing… the hard part of it is right now I am so sick of being cooped up in my house and I am also tired of being alone. Some day I will be able to get back to my own thing but right now I just need a change and also someone else to boss me around, I am a really bad boss right now and I am barely scraping by because of it. about the Ellie thing, I usually call her Ellie but that’s just her nickname, one of MANY that I call her by… I just recently started trying to call her Elianna and I think that is why I ended up typing that in this post. Thanks for the comment and the luck you sent my way!
@Michelle: girl you are so awesome, I am so happy to see a comment here from you. I am going to train my ass off and hopefully I can meet up with you for a race or something and then desperately try to keep up with you the whole time ;) you rock!