I just spent an hour trying to get my air conditioner put into my sewing room (aka office, aka bedroom) only to turn it on and realize it smells like cat piss. I think someone must have marked their territory on it while it sat on the porch for a year, fuck-shit. Oh well, I doused it in some smelly good crap and hopefully the stench will fade.

So besides the cat piss smell, I couldn’t get it put in straight. It’s heavy as shit and I couldn’t remember how the support brace went with the shell of the thing so it’s all lop sided. I am glad to feel a cool breeze but looking at that crooked thing is going to get on my nerves. It’s like a crooked frame, I just want to straighten it out because once it’s straight everything will be gravy.

I gave Ellie my nalgene bottle to play with, it’s filled with ice water which we discovered last night interests her greatly. She keeps cool and entertained at the same time. I on the other hand am a little stressed but I’m trying to work it off by cleaning the house.

I can’t believe I couldn’t wait for the heat to come, the only good thing so far has been that I am not hungry. I am thirsty, thirsty, thirsty. Damn it’s hot.

Random tid bit of info: I want a trampoline seriously badly.

I have nothing particular to write but I am sitting here so I am just going to see what comes out. That sentence should be the first sentence to all my posts. Anyway, I am think about lots of things today, big surprise. One of them being that I really need to improve my typing skills. You think that after years of blogging and being a student and all that other crap that I would be a bit better an dI will admit that I can type pretty fast but I have to look at the keys so I could never have a typing job, I am only good at typing what comes out of my own little brain. Some days though I feel like my fingers just wont go where I want them to and I have an amazingly insane amount of typos. Today is one of those days, hold on while I fix this paragraph here.

I love right clicking words and getting the properly spelled version right there just one click away. I think this might also be contributing that I don’t know how to spell a handful of awkward words like diarrhea. See, that word right there, the one I told you I couldn’t spell. I was in fact right. I typed out what I thought but then right clicked and got the right version.

Oh my gosh this post is going nowhere fast. Kendel started work at noon today. Ellie is being a major butt/ass muncher. Screaming, screaming, screaming. If you aren’t holding her or looking her in the eyes she just screams. I try not to spoil her, I try to just let her be but after awhile I feel like my insides are going to explode so I just have to pick her up and give her some attention which I definitely do not mind doing but listen up, I cannot do anything when I have her. I am completely engrossed in entertaining her while she is on my watch and I am exhausted from it.

When Kendel comes home I just sit and stare at the wall and before kendel leaves for work I do the same thing. I call it meditation, others call it a vegetative state, either way I am not responsible for a crying baby and its all good times for me.

The house looks like a tornado swept though, not even joking. You think I am though, you think I am just trying to be metaphorical but I am speaking the truth here. It is messy beyond comprehension, baby crap EVERYWHERE. It appears as though I am lazy, and maybe it is true but I see it more of a breakdown in the order of priorities. Cleaning up just doesn’t come out on top when things like laying in the front yard watching Ellie eat grass while NOT screaming are on the list.

I would show you a picture but that would be far too embarrassing. It would surprise you, make you question the very fact that you are my friend and also make you worry about the welfare of everyone that lives in this little house because Kendel or I may well trip and impale ourselves on a random baby toy at any moment. More likely it will be me because Kendel is always at work, either way, its insanity over here. Ellie is napping and I am going to go clean this disaster.

You know what? I’m a little off lately. People talk to me, tell me things, ask me if I am available on certain days for certain things and what do I do? Well I think I am listening, I think I hear what they say, I think that it goes into my head but it doesn’t. I forget so much stuff right now!

I am like a loopy ditz or something. The worst of it is that sometimes I even ask someone a question and I don’t listen to the answer, so I ask the question again like a friggen idiot. I’m just scared right now and it is making me melt down in all sorts of interesting ways.

I am scared of trying my hardest to accomplish something because what if I fail. At least while I am sitting here being a loser I can imagine that if I would just get my ass in gear I can have/do/be whatever I want. But if I actually try it might not be true and I just won’t know where to go from there.

I’m just going to say this straight out, saying certain things here have been hard for me but I am doing my best to just keep it real. I have this very very deep seeded need to please everyone and not be mean but I think that following your heart has to come above everything else. The only advice I am comfortable giving anyone is listen to your heart, it will not lie to you.

I didn’t get tired until 7:30 this morning, while I laid there I thought about getting up and un-publishing the post I had just written, but I stood strong and just let it be. I went to sleep and then woke up an hour later because I forgot to change my alarm to account for the not being able to sleep. I reset it for 11:20 but I woke up at 11. I woke up feeling ill, not like an I’m sick and gonna puke ill but more of a I’m really stressed and have a lot on my mind and I MIGHT puke kind of ill.

I feel like I have kept talk about my brother to a minimum on here because it is obviously something super close to my heart but sometimes I can’t really talk about what I want to without mentioning it. Just like last night, my thoughts were on death so I couldn’t share with out really sharing. It did make me uncomfortable though while I was laying there after I typed it but I think the posts that make me feel uncomfortable are the best ones to keep up.

Another thing I was thinking about was this blog, and how it sort of evolved into the little tell all place that it has become. When I first started I didn’t really know what it was but I just really wanted to write and share some stories. They were mostly about running and my cats because those topics were “safe” and when Michael set this blog up for me he told me that I needed to have a topic or a certain thing that I talked about.

I remember the first post I wrote where I didn’t speak so kindly of my mother and Michael wasn’t very comfortable with it. At the time there were just a few people I knew that were even checking my blog but still I felt I was writing to the whole wide world and I just kind of kept going from there.

I’m just throwing my stuff out here. I don’t want pity or compliments, I just want to say hey, this is me. I just want to share. In reality I think my blog was me trying to reach out and get some sort of connections with more than the few people I talked to in my life.

I’m not afraid to admit that Michael and I lived pretty much in a bubble for most of our relationship. I was very lonely at times and I felt like I had more to share than could be used up on one person. I’m rambling right now but I am trying to get to the point that this blog has been a very important part of finding myself in the past few years. This September with mark my third year blogging the day away and it seems like such a short amount of time yet long at the same time.

I’m a shy person until I get to know you though I am definitely not as shy as I used to be. I decided when I was growing up that it was better to keep all my thoughts in a journal than to share them with people because I didn’t want people thinking I was dumb or weird or anything other than a nice girl who smiled a lot. This person I am here today, who says fuck and talks about things other people might be shy to, I have ALWAYS been this person but I have just hid her, afraid that people wouldn’t like me.

I will never be done smiling but I feel like I am done being quiet. I want to just be who I am and say the things that are on my mind because I know I am not the only person who thinks the things I do. I remember this one occasion when I was 15, I was hanging out with my neighbor who had moved in a few months prior. I don’t remember what made me start talking about it but I just started talking about my period and how I had tried tampons but couldn’t get them in right and this girl just sat there staring at me and was like, oh my gosh, me too. Then she told me she had never talked to anyone about that and she couldn’t believe that I would just blurt it out like that but it made us closer friends and she started talking to me about all sorts of things because I was willing to do the same.

I feel like by being closed off at times I have cost myself friendships that could have been amazing. I love to talk about deep stuff, which sometimes a lot of people don’t want to. I love to talk about little gross things that people want to keep private, I just want to be open and share stuff with people and I think other people do too.

I saw Merry yesterday and she doesn’t read my blog but I tell her about my blog posts sometimes and so even though I am going to write about how much I love her right now I know she isn’t going to read it and I will just have to repeat it to her.

I met Merry when I was 13. I was just going into the 8th grade and I had just started my period. I remember the part about the period because it was with Merry that I learned when girls hang out a lot their menstrual cycles sync up. See, you don’t want to read about my period but I am just going to tell you anyway, get over it.

Merry and I have a lot in common as far as mothers go and that was something I really needed when I met her, we were pretty much insta-friends. The funny thing is I would have never met her if my sister Katie wasn’t such a social butterfly. She was actually friends with Merry before I was and the whole reason I even met Merry. I hid out in my apartment and was too scared to go make friends.

Merry and I have been through a lot together, when I went to school with my friends who had no idea my mom was a drug addict Merry was the one person I felt okay with because she knew all my family shit and she still liked me. I felt like I could be a real whole person with Merry. With my other friends I tried really hard to pretend I was like them and I will tell you one thing, trying not to wear the same outfit twice in one week was really hard but I did manage to pull it off a few times.

The thing with Merry is that she will just ask me shit straight up. One day she asked me how I wiped when I peed and after laughing for 5 minutes I told her that I reach around from the back and maintain the girly front to back wiping rule. She told me she reached through the front and we both thought the way the other one wiped was insane.

These are the kind of people that get extra space in my heart. People who ask me off the wall questions, people who catch me totally off guard and make me get stomach cramps from laughing, people who out of the blue ask me why I got breast implants, people who demand that I hang out with them when they sense my reluctance. I like these people because I feel like they are like me and they will not judge me for being who I am but actually just enjoy me for being who I am.

I talk specifically about Merry here because she is my oldest friend and I just saw her yesterday, but really I have quiet a few friends I enjoy and I feel really lucky for that.

Jesus this blog is really all over the pace and going no where specific. I just want to say to all my friends who read and who have dealt with me and hung out with me in the past year and a half of my craziness, I love you! I know I haven’t been a pleasure and that I have probably sucked in a billion different ways but thanks for sticking with me. Your investment will eventually pay off. Each of you mean more to me than you will ever know.

Also, sorry I have been posting many times a day, I just feel like sharing and sometimes my journal just doesn’t do it for me.

Actually, I can’t go back to sleep. I woke up an hour ago at 3:20 am and I was a little sweaty and I felt sick. I got up, peed, drank some water and I just laid there while my mind raced and wouldn’t let me go back to the magic world of not being conscious.

All kinds of craziness has been going through my head, I swear my best thoughts and creativity come after midnight. After 20 minutes of pondering the thought of waking up my computer I get up and do so only to be blinded by the brightness of the screen. I try to adjust it so it is less blinding and I end up poking myself in the eye with my thumb somehow. So far getting out of bed has been a painful choice.

Normally once I go to sleep I am pretty much out for the night. I rarely wake up in the middle of the night so when it happens it is really weird. I’m not sure what to do. I have to pee so do I get up and do it or do I just try to keep my eyes shut so I get better odds of being able to get back to dreamland? I’m a bit thirsty so I decide that yes I should pee because if I get up to drink it just makes sense that I stop by the toilet too.

These are the big decisions I have to make at 3:30 am. To pee or not to pee? As I already said, I peed and I drank and then I laid back down. Once I was back in bed I felt more thirsty so I drank some more water from my green nalgene bottle which I now have right beside me and then I just lay there.

All kinds of crazy going through my head, getting crazier and more intense by the second. I wish I had a tape recorder because thoughts like these just come spouting out and that seems the only logical way to catch them. I have been telling myself for a long time now that I am going to get one but I just don’t, probably because the only time I ever think about it is late at night when I don’t want to get out of bed and hunt around online to find one.

So now that I have poked myself in the eye and have faced the bright ass monitor that I am either to tired to operate properly or the brightness controls just don’t work on, I think I might be able to manage to share some of the thoughts I was having that prompted me to get up and start typing in the first place.

One thing I was thinking about was death. Mostly I think because I was watching this TV show tonight before I went to bed and someone in it died and it made me think about my little brother. He was almost five when he died and as anyone could imagine, losing a child from your life is pretty much the most unimaginable thing ever and dealing with that loss is even more unimaginable than the fact that it is even possible to happen.

It’s just weird though how as time passes the pain sort of numbs out or the whole thing itself just seems like something you read in a book or saw on TV and it doesn’t even seem real. It can even almost seem like it happened to someone else.

Then there are days, days where the pain rises up in an instant and you feel like you have been taken back to that very day it happened, the very day that the unimaginable was right there in your face and the pain is just as bad as it was that day. You just wonder how the hell you have gone the past few months without feeling this pain, without remembering how much you have lost and all the things that will never be and all the moments you missed out on and all the love you had to give but it just died inside of you because it wasn’t just love in general, love that could be given to someone else, it was love for this one person, this really important little person but now they are gone and there are no more halloweens, no more slumber parties and no more hugs.

Some days what I lost hits me like a ton of bricks and I welcome each one that falls on me because when I feel this pain that is the same pain I felt about 7 years ago in some way I feel like all that love I had for him is still inside me burning and that even though people can, do and will die, that love that is inside you can burn forever.

Even having experienced death close to my heart I don’t think I could have anything to say to anyone who is going through a loss because to me it is one time where words cannot do a thing. I don’t remember one word anyone said to me when I lost my brother. I remember faces of people who came to see me, I remember hugs, I remember who did and didn’t come to the funeral but I don’t remember one word because there are no words that can change anything. There is no positive light no matter how you look at it, when someone leaves your life suddenly it just is, they are gone and all you will ever have are the pieces of them that remain inside you.

It’s 5:09, the birds are chirping and I’m not sure if I am going to be able to go to sleep now. I wonder what woke me up.

The other day I washed my car because I wanted to be outside and the little blue hunk of junk was covered in muddy little paw prints from my cats. I washed inside and out and then when I went to pick Kendel up I discovered the turn signals to be out of commission. I wanted to get out of the car and beat down every square inch of it with a baseball bat. I just have those days sometimes where all these little stupid things go wrong and keep going wrong and it leads me to a little freak out where I normally want to break something but most of the things I have are too cute to harm. However, if I am sitting near something ugly in the house I will break it. When all else fails I just throw something unbreakable onto the carpet really hard.

Anyways, I was so fucking pissed. I have been pulled over twice recently almost exclusively because I have been driving pieces of shit. This one car I was borrowing had a cracked front wind shield, yep got pulled over. Then on this current car the tail lights are controlled by a toggle switch and I forgot to flip it one night…as well as accidentally run through a red light because my brakes are shit and I thought running the light was better than stopping in the center of the intersection.

So I was just waiting to get pulled over for switching lanes without signaling or some shit like that. Sometimes I think if my state of mind if just projecting out onto everything else in my life and thats why everything is sucking and breaking and really sucking.

So then last night I get into the car and the tail lights weren’t working. I had spent the day alone in my house fighting with my own issues and of course one more thing has to go wrong with my car. I hate this fucking car. After I get rid of it I am forever going to cringe when I see old little honda hatchbacks.

So once again, I am glad to have a car, any car but I also hate this car so much, I hate everything it represents to me and I would love nothing more that to see it squished into one of those little car smashers. When I do get a new car though I am thinking it would be a better value for me to beat the shit out of this one instead of trying to sell it. Funnily enough I have stomped the front wind shield out of a car before, it was great and definitely a lot harder than I imagined.

I know I have got on here so many times talking about how I am going to do this, not do that, change this blah blah blah and I know I never do a fucking thing I say. It fucking sucks but every time I say one of these stupid things I really believe that I am going to do it and I really want to. Yeah maybe it takes a day or two until I am out of my manic “the world is great and amazing and I can do anything” phase but when I am in the phase I am happy and hopeful.

I have been so fucking depressed for so long and there come days when I have such a high spirit that I actually think I am done being depressed and wanting to die. Truth is those days always return but still every time, I think they are over. This feeling I am having today is just like all the others. Yesterday and so far today have been really great but maybe tomorrow I am going to wake up and want nothing more than to eat an entire birthday cake alone in my dark living room.

I know the only answer is me and to be stronger so I don’t just play into all my self destructive urges. Truth is I came from a family of drug addicts and my relationship with food is no different than my mom’s relationship with anything that will take her out of reality for a bit.

When I sit down and eat my favorite foods that are probably going to kill me all I can think of is how good they taste and how awful everything else in the world is. Most days I hate myself for not having the strength to stop eating shitty, not having the will to go to the gym I pay money to every month and not have the motivation to make any money.

So if you have been reading my blog, or hell, if you have known me for any length of time then when you read those posts below you probably just thought here she goes again. But me, I thought, hey, today I want to live and I actually got off my fucking ass and went outside to huff it up hills for an hour. Instead of lying on the floor of my workroom not wanting to get up and live through one more day where I basically just hoped to die in some freak accident I got up and told myself that today was the day.

Then after I got back from my hour of sweating I thought, hey.. there are only 6 more tootsie pops left, just eat those today and then no more. Then I told myself NO! thats all you do every fucking day. So I didn’t eat the tootsie pops and I ate 2 veggie burgers instead.

The only person that is with me every single day is Kendel and she barely has a clue at how unhappy I am. Every fucking day I think about dying. When I drive over the bridge I wonder what it would feel like to drive over the side, when I drive by trees I wonder what it would be like to just push the gas down all the way and drive into it. If I lived through it then maybe I am meant to live and maybe then I will feel lucky to have this life but right now I just feel like it’s too much fucking work. so yeah when I get the stupid little urges to eat right or exercise or get in the shower and wash my fucking hair I am probably a little too excited.

I hate myself so much right now and all I want to do is something I can sit back and tell myself “good job” for. I’m going to stop now and in a week if I am still walking and not eating tootsie pops maybe we can all jump for joy. I dont know.

I just had to get on here and report that I woke up and when on a hilly 3.25 mile walk with Kendel this morning. It wasn’t slightly hilly either, there are some major battles with gravity going on with this route. I almost killed Kendel and I feel bad that it made me feel good to know there is someone in worse physical shape than I am.

It was bright and sunny, 66 degrees and just plain perfect. I’m going to make oatmeal now and as of last night I have sworn off sugary treats and salty snacks. Goodbye tootsie pops :( This isn’t going to be another one of my stupid little things that lasts one day either. I’m getting damn serious over here, if you could see my face and how serious it was you would believe me. ahahahah. like I have a serious face, puh-lease.