5/27 1:15 am.

So today was way better than yesterday but I still broke out in tears a few times. It’s been happening, I hate it. Last night I wanted to cry my brains out and I considered getting in the shower to do it but Kendel was still awake and I knew she would end up knocking on the bathroom door asking if I was okay. I didn’t really feel like telling her I felt like there was no point in living anymore so I just went to bed hoping sleep would give me something I needed. I woke up feeling a lot better.

I was writing in my journal EVERY day for so long and then one day I went to write and I realized I hadn’t wrote in a week. I sat there staring at my journal wondering what the hell had happened, I thought I only missed two days. Things like that keep happening to me and it makes me think I am losing my grip a little bit. Normally when I miss days in my journal I just try to sum up what happened in those few days but I couldn’t remember anything. nothing.

Thats a huge reason I am journaling at all. I can’t remember a lot of things. It is so weird but I totally blank out. I can’t remember if something was a few days or a few weeks ago, everything just blurs together into a blob of poop and it’s too stinky to hover over and sort through so I just move on.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is worth it, that there are things in my future that are going to make me happy I got through this time and that the only way I can truly get back at my mom for fucking my head up is by living my life to the fullest and not being afraid to reach out and get the things I want. I’m also going back and forth a lot on the topic of caring what people think about me. I used to think I was confident and I didn’t care but right now I am not very confident at all, I feel like a failure on so many fronts and I think everyone thinks I am throwing my life away.

I hung out with Merry Saturday, had an amazing day and then Sunday was the day from hell and then today was okay. I talked to Merry today, told her about how awful I felt Sunday and when she asked me why something came out of my mouth that I hadn’t thought about all day. I told her “I think I had so much fun with you Saturday that it made the rest of my life feel that much worse”. It’s weird but I do not do anything, we maybe a few things but imagine someone taking a tiny pinch of salt and throwing it onto a huge pile of dog shit, those grains of salt would be “fun” things I have done in the past 6 months, the shit would be the rest of my life. And just so you know, every time I leave the house to go grocery shopping with Kendel that is considered a fun event.

Anyway, Merry ended up coming over tonight and watching a movie. It was great to have someone come over and just hang out with me. I’m so tired and I lost my train of thought so I am ending this now. Today was a goodish day and I took my first shower in 3 weeks so that was good times for sure. damn I wrote this post in safari and I am too lazy to hand code the bold tags in. thanks for suffering through.