I don’t know what’s more annoying, the fact my cats come INSIDE to pee or the fact that I have four cats running in and out of my house. I love my cats, don’t get me wrong but they were driving me insane so I locked them out of the house for two days. I didn’t feel one bit of guilt about it either, they had food and water.

It was getting insane though, I don’t know what got up their asses but about every hour I would get woken up in the night because one of these little ass sniffers was digging around in my stuff. I was waking up in the morning with stuff strewn all about my room because I had just grabbed the closest thing to me and thrown in in the direction of all the noise. Four cats Laycie? Seriously? Well technically it’s just three because Blacky is a nomad who I can’t really claim as my own.

Today is Sunday, woo hoo. I am going through some blog posts I haven’t posted, if I choose to post them they will all be previous to this one and also may not represent me at this moment right now, but rather at the moment I wrote them, you get what I’m saying.

Kendel can barely talk today so she called in sick which means day off for me. Well, it will be a day off if I leave this house, which I might. I got an order the other day and while I do have a bunch of bills to pay I think I might spend the $6 or whatever it costs to go see a movie. I haven’t been to a movie in awhile and I just need to get outta my head for a bit.

I don’t know what I will see either because I don’t really know what’s out. Actually I don’t know what I’m saying, I probably won’t go, it’s a nice thought though. I’m so broke right now, I get money and it goes to a bill and it kinda sucks but the fact that this is where my money goes for some reason doesn’t really motivate me to make any money. It’s all gone before I even have it. I have been doing better though, working that is, still I have my days, or my run of days where I just can seem to do anything.

Depression is something I never understood until I experienced it. The sentence is so stupid, no shit I didn’t understand it, can we understand anything we haven’t experienced, I think we might like to think that we can but I know that I for one cannot.

I first started battling some depression when I was 18. Before that I was just battling life and had no time for depression. I had a really good friend who I hung out with like every day but she had a lot of issues with depression which a lot of times meant I didn’t see her. One time I called her house because she was supposed to come over and her mom told me that she had a break down because her pants didn’t fit and that she wasn’t going to come over.

At the time I was baffled, I didn’t know how one dumb thing like clothes would keep her from coming to hang out with me. I didn’t understand two things then… depression and the way being overweight and not being able to get your pants on can ruin your day. I understand both now.

Depression can be such a crippling thing and it seems to me that it is just a downward spiral. When I am depressed I don’t want to do anything which means I have no money which means my bills pile up and stress me out and depress me more so I am super stressed and can’t handle little emotional things in life so I eat and eat and eat which then causes all my clothes to be too small but I am too poor to buy any that fit so I squeeze into my old shirts and feel even fatter than I really am because tight clothes can make even the tiniest person feel fat and so I just sit around and eat some more because what’s the point anyway.

I keep thinking that after I have a good day that more good days will follow but they really don’t. I don’t know if it is because I have such high expectations of myself or what but I feel like the biggest waste of space right now. Amazing people die everyday, but me? I sit on my couch and occasionally make a baby laugh and I can’t seem to get myself to take advantage of this amazing thing I have called a LIFE.

I keep telling myself I can do anything I want to but the sad thing is that I am scared. I don’t know why I am so scared. Doesn’t even make sense that someone can be scared of being great? and how damn conceited does that sound, I am scared of being amazing. I think we all have to think that we have the ability to be amazing though so I am going to just go with it. Yeah I am scared to death of being great and doing amazing things. I know I have the ability to do anything I want and I think that is what scares me. I just have to choose something, pour my heart into it and everything will be great.

Maybe it’s not true though, maybe I am too messed up in my head to ever make being great work out for me. I don’t care though, if I didn’t believe deep inside myself that I could be happy and end up doing something awesome with my life then I would have already gave up.

This right now, this awful time I’m going through might make it seem as though I have given up but I haven’t. I have thought about it sure, I mean life is a tough road and when your car breaks down sometimes walking to the nearest town doesn’t seem worth it, especially when you have gained a bunch of weight and your thighs rub together.

I feel different things every day and some days I feel many different things. Yesterday I was kinda blah, just watched 30 Rock all day and played with Ellie and even sewed a bit. But I was only blah yesterday because the day before I was so mad that I gave myself a very painful headache. I never get headaches so when I do I notice them! Unlike this fucking cold I’ve had for 5 months, most days I don’t even notice that I physically feel like crap.

Not only am I dealing with the fact that I am not with Michael anymore after 10 years and that he is off living his own life while I sit here slowly killing myself, but I have Ellie like ALL the time and I love her and everything but it is seriously a burden that I think I need to find a solution to. There is also so drama with my other sister, who for the second or third time has told me she never wants to talk to me again.

This is what I get for loving people TOO much, I get treated like I am the asshole. What seriously pisses me off though is when you confide in someone and then when you get in a fight they throw it in your face. I’m so sick of selfish people, I swear I think my family’s DNA is mostly full of lies, back stabbing and selfishness. I think I was switched at birth, sometimes I honestly cannot believe that I share any blood with these people.

But I guess maybe I do because I am a lunatic in my own right. But I see stuff in my sisters and my mom that is not in me. I am very different form them and I have been that way from the beginning. It always makes me wonder why we are who we are. It’s tough too because sometimes I can’t imagine how people do what they do. How can Katie just throw me out of her life, I have never done anything to hurt her and have only loved her, same with my dad, he just threw me out like I was this huge pain in the ass.

So the day before yesterday I had a few words with Katie while I was out walking Ellie around the neighborhood right after the sun went down. She told me to stay out of her life and mind my own business. She’s such a bitch to me I almost can’t even believe it. After that I just walked around and I was overcome with emotion and I couldn’t hold back my tears. I feel like I have no family right now and that everything in my life is pretty much shit. This was just one more thing and it hurt so much that within an hour I had become so angry I wanted to go beat the shit out of my sister for saying so many hurtful things to me and just for being a selfish bitch in general. When I am sad I eat and when I am mad I want to put my fist through something, that night it was Katie’s head.

I sound so harsh, but I have never punched anyone in the face before so it’s all more of a fantasy than reality but still, it’s annoying that my family has nothing to give me at this time when I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. All they have to offer me is a knife and even that I have to pull out of my own back before I can use it.

It’s just hard being as depressed as I am and also dealing with all this other bullshit. When it rains it pours and right now I am soaked. I keep trying to think positive and tell myself things could always be worse but it just seems that pretty much everything that can go wrong right now is. I guess this is just gonna make me stronger and all that crap but how many times do I need to be made stronger, I think I can pretty much lift a car up over my head after all this is over.