I’m stealing internet from Safeway right now. Yes, I am sitting in the parking lot in my car at almost 1am, writing in my blog. I have missed blogging, not that I haven’t been trying to do it but when I know I can’t post it immediately after I am finished it just loses pizazz and shit.

Also I feel a certain way for about 5 minutes before it changes to something else so if I were to type something at home and then go somewhere to upload it I would most likely change my mind and decide that post no longer represented what I felt.

Most of my posts don’t represent how I feel at THIS moment right now, but they represent how I felt and THAT moment right there… I leave them here all the same and leave it up to you, my friends and readers to understand that these are my thoughts and feelings and none of them are concrete, they are ever changing.

I am having a so-so day. I didn’t have to babysit which made me feel a bit of relief but later in the day, I was home alone, I started having a lot of anxiety and stress and I’m still having it right now, it feels like I’m going to have an anxiety attack but it just hasn’t happened yet but I’m waiting for it. The other times that happened to me I felt like this beforehand.

Last night I washed my newly red hair and it was one of the messiest things I have ever done! The red was EVERYWHERE and the mess of that coupled with all the crap I was thinking about almost made me faint. It ws strange. I got all weak in the legs and nauseous. I was just telling someone that I am surprised I haven’t had any sort of anxiety attacks lately because I have seriously been stressing.

It’s weird though, I stress but at the same time I’m almost indifferent to a lot of stuff. It scares me too because I don’t want to be indifferent, when something happens that you feel you should be having strong emotions over and you aren’t thats just kinda strange, to me anyway.

Ellie had another seizure-like episode on Wednesday. I was sleeping when it happened but I heard Kendel say Ellie’s name in a way that woke me right up and sent me flying for my phone. I did try to call 911 with my calculator so this is the second time under stress that I have not been able to remember how to dial a number on my iPhone. The episode was essentially the same and Ellie was in the ER for 9 fucking hours.

It’s a damn nightmare is what it is. They don’t know whats going on with her and they told us she is not having seizures. They ordered an MRI but they couldn’t fit her into the schedule even after poking her in three different places before they got her IV in.

So obviously that is kind of unsettling but I am dealing with tond of other shit too. I feel like it’s all too much and that I didn’t do anything to deserve all this pain and misery but I also realize I have done most of it to myself and that I have a lot of power to make my life less miserable.

I just feel like every time I start feeling confident about tackling things something happens and a huge bookcase falls on my head and squishes my brains out through my toes. How can I think straight when I’m walking on my brains? I dunno! Anyways, this is just a little update, I plan on getting internet again soon so I can share more of my madness :)