12:30am
I was talking with my girl Lisa Lou tonight about how old we are and shit and how most times I can’t even remember how old I am. I was sitting in the car thinking I was 27 and she was talking about turning 28 in the Fall and in my head I was all wait…I’m older than you…what is going on…oh shit I’m 28! We had a laugh and decided we were awesome because people think we are younger than we are.

When I think about how I have been alive for 28 years it just seems weird, kinda like how weird it was to see myself in a full length mirror after gaining about 40 pounds, it just seems like reality is bent somehow and what you see/know to be true just doesn’t make sense. I can act my age when need be, but I prefer not too.

I’m thinking about all sorts of things right now. One of them is that of course I have been going a bit crazy blogging lately and that maybe I need to work more on quality than quality. Then I think that the posts I just slam out are really more reflective of who I am and not over thought. I mean, yeah I over think things but seriously I don’t need to spend two days writing something and making it sound all amazing. So that thought gets thrown out with the trash.

I’m so excited for Summer to be here and I am really excited to start training for the Portland Marathon. I better get going on that though, it’s only 5 months away. So anyway, I’m 28 stupid years old and I feel like I definitely am lacking in some major life experiences. I haven’t had a job for like a billion years and I feel like I have in a way stunted my social growth.

I mean seriously, I think I could have benefitted greatly by having some sort of situation in my life where I had to go out and work with other people. Yeah when I was at school I was around people but with the exception of last year I really never had to work with any sort of group and I never made any friends because I was too shy to talk to people.

I know I’m lucky to have the friends I have, I know there are a lot of people with less friends than me and I’m not saying I wish I had a kahbillion friends I just wish I had a little more experience with people ya know. I wish I had more experiences in general. This sheltered little hermit life I had lived has taken its toll and I am ready to break the shell and shit like that.

I just keep feeling like I have all this potential and that I’m a pretty cool person but I am so afraid of everything that I miss out on so much. I don’t want to keep missing out on things, I need to start making things happen and quit being afraid to hop on people’s boats. anyways dudes, I’m off to continue over-examining my little existence.

3:15pm
I was trying to add some neat-o things to my sidebar last night to give this blog some more pizazz and even more ways you can stalk me and stuff but I think something is up with this template I am using because every time I tried to make one of these new things appear in my sidebar it screwed up everything.

I will look into more templates but I don’t want to rock another one until I can make it look better than this one I have customized here. Yeah, so that’s real exciting stuff i know, but hey its what’s going on so I’m sharing.

Kendel has today off so we ran a few errands and I dropped her off at her boyfriend’s house. I am a free girl today, woo hoo! Last night I “watched” like 5 episodes of One Tree Hill while I worked. Yes, I watch that show, judge me as you wish, I love that shit.

Another guilty pleasure show of mine is America’s Next Top Model. I never like the girls but it’s just so damn entertaining, I can’t explain it. I watched Hostel the other day, it pretty much sucked ass and wasn’t what I thought it would be. I was expecting to get the shit scared out of me but it did not happen. I can’t remember the exact circumstances but about 6 months ago I was watching The Devil’s Rejects, THAT movie was fucking disgusting! Needless to say I didn’t finish watching it.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it but my sister got cable tv when we got internet and it was weird for me because I haven’t lived in a house with cable tv for 10 years. You would be very surprised that I have only watched two On Demand movies and not one stupid reality show. The shows I mentioned watching earlier I watched on my computer. For some reason downloading a show and watching it is guilt free for me because I know I am not going to get roped into watching something else, I am in control, haha yeah sure.

Anyway, this post is really going all over the place but I am too right now so it’s fitting. I’ve started a new bad habit, I lock my cats outside at night. Now that my bedroom is also my office and workspace I can’t really deal with them being in the house when I sleep. I tried just shutting them in the living room but I have to deal with loud cries and sad little paws clawing at my door.

Yesterday I was in here and Peanutbutter wanted in so bad she was lying on the floor by my door with her face pressed up to the 1″ gap between the bottom of my door and the floor. It was so pathetic. Cats just love me, what the hell.

Today the weather is really nice and it makes me wish I wouldn’t have gained all this weight because I have shorts and tank tops that don’t fit me. Yeah I could by new ones but really I can’t because I don’t have the money. Anyway, it should continue to be a good day for me, things are looking up in the girl’s life. I’ll have to wait until late at night to explain more on that, during the day I’m a little more bubbly so yeah. I gotta jet but man it’s so good to be back here talking to myself in this little blog.

7:10pm
This feeling of being on the edge of everything getting better never does get old. I’m here again, and as much as I don’t want to jinx myself or whatever I really feel like this time is THE time that I am going to take the leap and quit being this depressed mess I have been.

Today was another great day. I hung out with Merry this afternoon and even though we didn’t even do anything it just made me feel like I was connected to the world in some way. Isolation has definitely contributed to my overall state of mind, no bueno.

The weather today is overcast but it’s not the sort of gray day that I hate. Today is the sort of day that I love. It’s gray but it’s not bright, it’s dark. It’s not rainy but you can definitely feel it in the air, like it could just come pouring down at any moment. It’s the kind of day I long for in the summer when I can’t bear the heat for another minute.

Merry and I went to a thrift store today and I got the most amazing plates, they were $.50 each and I got 13 of them ’cause you know, someday I might have 12 friends and invite them all to dinner at my house…12 + me = 13. They are so cute though!! I’m totally the type of person that buys things I don’t need just because of the color, print, design or whatever. When I see something and it calls to me I just have to get it! Plus, I only spent $6.50 and they are the kind of plates I will have for the rest of my life because they are solid as a rock.

I’m throwing around the idea of dying my hair again. Part of me just wants to go back to brown but then the other part of me thinks I will regret it and that I need to keep up with the wild hair colors. Who knows, I’m just thinking about it.

Ellie missed her nap today because Kendel had to work at 4 and I didn’t want to interrupt Ellie’s nap so I tried to keep her awake until after I took Kendel to work. Naps are a touchy thing, if you screw them up you pay for it. I have tried to put Ellie down twice now, she slept for 10 minutes the first time and now this time she is just whining in her crib.

She’ll fall asleep in a few minutes. I’m getting over the whole aversion to hearing her cry too. I understand now that I’m not being neglectful to her and that sometimes babies just need to cry, just like us. She’s mad she missed her scheduled nap, she’ll cry it out, fall asleep and when she wakes up the world will be a wonderful place again.

So today is Thursday I think, yes, it is. I’m going to start running again tomorrow morning. I really want a third Portland Marathon shirt that wont fit over my huge head. They look good on my wall and give me something to brag about. Yeah, I didn’t get my four year degree but look, I ran 26.2 miles THREE times!! okay, I’m outty for now. Having internet feels so great!

I was thinking about adding some more crap to my website, like plugins and such and then I got the idea that I should make a new template and next thing you know I am looking at about a zillion different web pages. I’m a bit crazy when I get excited.

Rather than mess up what I think is already a pretty sweet little website I am going to take this energy I got from just successfully updating my blog and turn around and try to make some cash. Yes, all I have to do is turn around because right behind me is my work table with my little sewing machines that are calling out to me.

Kendel had the day off today, she is at her boyfriends and I am a free woman! I don’t really like calling myself a woman or a lady, I prefer girl, but anyway… I am not babysitting a baby today! I haven’t talked to Kendel about it yet but I decided that within the next 6 months I need to be in a situation where I am not living with my sister and her baby. I love them both dearly but I need some freedom from all the responsibility that comes along with just living in the same house with a baby.

I am really super happy right now and you know what? It’s cloudy outside! My cat pissed on the floor! I have no good food in my fridge! …but I’m still happy.

I’ve been letting other people get me down but that really needs to stop. It’s not selfish to care about yourself and I need to get that through my head. Here, this hammer should help break though this thick skull.

So even though you probably won’t notice anything different, this new wordpress version I have is making things WAY better on my end. Plus I figured out how to upgrade without losing all my crap. Yay!

I just updated my three year old version of Wordpress all by myself (with the guidance of a wordpress tutorial) and I am SO HAPPY I just had to post something. So BAM! here is something, today is awesome! I have been wanting to upgrade this shit for so long, look at me go yo!

5/27 1:15 am.

So today was way better than yesterday but I still broke out in tears a few times. It’s been happening, I hate it. Last night I wanted to cry my brains out and I considered getting in the shower to do it but Kendel was still awake and I knew she would end up knocking on the bathroom door asking if I was okay. I didn’t really feel like telling her I felt like there was no point in living anymore so I just went to bed hoping sleep would give me something I needed. I woke up feeling a lot better.

I was writing in my journal EVERY day for so long and then one day I went to write and I realized I hadn’t wrote in a week. I sat there staring at my journal wondering what the hell had happened, I thought I only missed two days. Things like that keep happening to me and it makes me think I am losing my grip a little bit. Normally when I miss days in my journal I just try to sum up what happened in those few days but I couldn’t remember anything. nothing.

Thats a huge reason I am journaling at all. I can’t remember a lot of things. It is so weird but I totally blank out. I can’t remember if something was a few days or a few weeks ago, everything just blurs together into a blob of poop and it’s too stinky to hover over and sort through so I just move on.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is worth it, that there are things in my future that are going to make me happy I got through this time and that the only way I can truly get back at my mom for fucking my head up is by living my life to the fullest and not being afraid to reach out and get the things I want. I’m also going back and forth a lot on the topic of caring what people think about me. I used to think I was confident and I didn’t care but right now I am not very confident at all, I feel like a failure on so many fronts and I think everyone thinks I am throwing my life away.

I hung out with Merry Saturday, had an amazing day and then Sunday was the day from hell and then today was okay. I talked to Merry today, told her about how awful I felt Sunday and when she asked me why something came out of my mouth that I hadn’t thought about all day. I told her “I think I had so much fun with you Saturday that it made the rest of my life feel that much worse”. It’s weird but I do not do anything, we maybe a few things but imagine someone taking a tiny pinch of salt and throwing it onto a huge pile of dog shit, those grains of salt would be “fun” things I have done in the past 6 months, the shit would be the rest of my life. And just so you know, every time I leave the house to go grocery shopping with Kendel that is considered a fun event.

Anyway, Merry ended up coming over tonight and watching a movie. It was great to have someone come over and just hang out with me. I’m so tired and I lost my train of thought so I am ending this now. Today was a goodish day and I took my first shower in 3 weeks so that was good times for sure. damn I wrote this post in safari and I am too lazy to hand code the bold tags in. thanks for suffering through.

After a night of sleep and the opportunity to wake up with a clear head I pretty much know why I had such an awful day yesterday. For two nights in a row I couldn’t sleep and I ended up only getting about 4 hours of shut eye. That’s not enough sleep to reset this crazy mind of mine after a day of thinking. Imagine how much life would drag on if we never had those 6-10 hours of downtime we get each night.

So the no sleep thing a long with many other little things kind of led to the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I slept for 8 hours last night though AND I get to take a shower today so it’s pretty good odds today won’t suck for me. I am very excited to take a shower. Our shower broke about 3 weeks ago and it just got fixed, my sister took a shower last night and I thought about it but decided rather to sit on my ass and hate life for a few more hours.

This morning I woke up, played on my phone in the bathroom and then decided yogurt would be a good breakfast choice. It’s some sort of strawberry custard my sister got, it’s kinda thick but I really love yogurt. So I came into my bedroom/office/workroom and sat down at my desk because I haven’t had a desk in many months and it just feels good to sit here and look at my computer screens.

I was on digg.com this morning and I read an article about memorial day and then I came across an article about a man who took a Polaroid picture every day for 18 years. Even though it is in no way similar it made me think about those people I have seen on youtube that took a picture of themselves everyday for like years and then made a video out of it. I want to do something like that but I think I keep distracting myself with half finished projects that my heart is never really 100% into. I almost take a picture everyday on my phone, I LOVE using the camera on my phone.

Last night while I laid there trying to sleep I decided I would not stop blogging. I don’t know why I always want to, I’m just a wreck pretty much I guess and sometimes I am uncomfortable sharing what I share, but I have almost been doing this for 3 years. I feel like I have too many things in my future that would make me regret giving up a way in which I can share my triumphs with everyone. I woke up an hour ago, I’m gonna go see how this little day of mine turns out and then I will report back.

Okay so to say I had some issues today would be putting it lightly. I had a rough ass day today. Rough as a torn up road. I contemplated deleting my blog, as I have done MANY times before, but as you see it still remains. Mostly because I can’t bear the thought of writing something and not having anyone to read it.

I can’t even go into all the reasons I had a shit day today, but I did. I didn’t eat anything all day and I only realized it just now, at midnight.

I have two “from the archives” posts sitting here on my desktop but I feel they are way too harsh and so on my desktop they will sit. The first one was something I wrote on Mother’s day. That was a bad day for me, just because I obviously have a bad thing going there but also just because I hate holidays now.

I don’t know what happened to me or why I feel so awful. I feel like the world is against me and no matter how many people tell me it isn’t true I’m like some anorexic looking in the mirror thinking I’m fat. What they say doesn’t break the surface, I see what I see and I’m just so sick of it.

I told myself I was done writing complainy ass things here but that’s not true, I’m in the mood to spout off some random shit so here I am.

I was so happy for a few days, I got internet, I decided to post some blogs I was unsure about, I made youtube videos, I was just feeling dandy. Now I’ve decided I want to hide from the world because everything makes me so damn sad.