Ouch

Originally uploaded by foxygreen

You know how people say that sometimes a picture doesnt do something
justice, yeah that’s the case with my hand here. From this sad little
iPhone photo you can’t see the tiny bits of gravel stuck in my skin
and you really can’t see how much it stings. Also since I have to use
my other hand to take the picture you dont get to see both my sad
little hands together.

I fell on the ground, pretty much as if I were trying to dive for home
base or something. Our battery was dead so I was pushing Kendel and
when she popped the clutch all my momentum sent me flying forward. I
stumbled about 10 feet trying to catch myself before gravity took me
down.

The sting from the road burn is pretty sucky but the one good thing
about it is that it kinda took me back to childhood, where this pain
was an all too familiar and regular occurance. Also I’m glad to be
driving a manual because I didn’t have to go ask a neighbor to jump me
and you all know how much I love avoiding human contact.

I’m really not feeling well today but I still managed to drive Kendel around and get a bit of work done. I came home and watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I think it did me some good, I haven’t chilled out and watched a movie by myself in awhile. Right now I’m watching some Northern Exposure. Love that show.

My plan wasn’t to get on here just to peck out all the random details of my day but rather to share some of the cat insanity with you. Blacky is back from vacation, or hell maybe THIS is her vacation, either way she’s back with her snot nosed self and has already sneezed some nice juicy boogers on my arm.

The thing with Blacky is, Spunky LOATHES her. Its not the normal kind of hate that some cats have for eachother, its a kind of hate all its own. Spunky pretty much just walks around the house growling and hissing. Even when I snuggle her up and love on her she will suddenly bite me and growl like there are some wires crossed in her head.

Its pretty funny but I feel bad for her, like I am putting her under a great amount of stress for letting Blacky be in the house. She’ll get over it and until then I will just pet her with caution.

So having Blacky in the house means there are four furry friends under my roof. I love my furry friends but sometimes I feel like a zoo keeper with all the feelings and shit scooping. Its real work taking care of these monsters.

Really what is crazy though is that the furnalls are drawn to me as if I put out some sort of scent. Maybe its just that my house & everything around it smells like cat turds, I dont know. I’d like to think it is me they are drawn to though. Anyways, there is a new potential burden hanging out around my porch and at a low moment last week I went out and called to it. She came slowly and with a lot of hesitation but she did let me pet her and now I am her hero or something. She thinks I am the one human in the world who isn’t going to kill her and she keeps trying to weasel her way in the front door.

I must quit talking to stray cats!! I really dont want to be the crazy cat lady. I just want to be that silly girl that takes too many pictures of her cats.

I pecked this out on my phone, it didn’t flow as well as it was going in my head but my fingers can’t move that fast. I’m going to eat some velveeta shells & cheese now cause its in the cupboard calling out to me.

It’s late Saturday, or early Sunday depending on how you look at it. I have about 5 blog posts that are 75% finished on my desktop but here I go starting another one. Will this be the one that makes it to 100%, we shall see.

I would have to say that my Saturday has been quite good. I haven’t been too hard on myself and I’ve got a lot accomplished. It’s funny though because I was sort of looking forward to this day that turned into me just staying indoors and in my pajamas. I was invited to do something with some friends over a month ago and it ended up not working out.

Things like this always get me thinking about my expectations. The bigger they are, or the more hyped up I get about something, the worse it is for me if things don’t turn out. Truth be told, I have been hiding in my house for many months avoiding human contact as much as possible and though I’m not really sure why I would purposely do this to myself I’m sure it has something to do with me thinking I don’t deserve to be happy since I threw a wrench out the passenger window of my car and got it stuck in the spokes of several peoples bicycles. They got all tripped up because of me so now I’m constantly punishing myself. The decision to commit to a public outing was hard enough but I have been talking myself into it ever since and had actually become excited to go do something with people who aren’t my sister or my baby niece.

Aaaaaaaaanyways, I found out I had today free a few days ago and I talked to Merry yesterday and we thought we might try to hang out for a bit but she has bronchitis so that didn’t work out either. It’s all okay though, now that I am sitting here and my Saturday is over I am very pleased with how I scooped up my broken little day and crafted it into a nice little sculpture of productivity.

If you look in my kitchen you would think I just sat on my ass all day because every single dish I have is dirty and siting in the sink but if you walk into what was once my bedroom but is now my sewing room, you would see that I have been a busy little camper. That’s right, my sewing room is now in my house. I decided to give up my office downtown for a few different reasons but mainly because I just wasn’t getting my butt over there, which meant I wasn’t working. We all know what not working leads to, no money.

In other news. I haven’t eaten treats for 8 days now. It has been hard, but as with most things it is getting easier. I don’t think about running to Safeway for a candy bar every 10 minutes, its more like every few hours now, haha. Seriously though this has been hard and I am super proud of myself. No more cupcakes for me, which means I now have to move out of my apartment in Cupcakeland. I know, I’m a dork.

I have spent the day listening to music, some public radio shows, and then some more music. I’m listening to some random 80’s stuff right now, a little Phil Collins, a little Heart, you know, some good shit. I have also spent the day juggling around some random thoughts. I’m trying real hard to figure out what’s gonna make me happy right now and I mostly just pull a blank. I know some things I want to do, one of them is the Portland Marathon.

I’m about 40 pounds heavier than I was the first time I started training for a marathon and about 54 pounds heavier than I was when I finished that marathon so It’s going to be rough starting out this time around. I think Kendel is going to train with me though, we just have to find a running stroller so Ellie can get in on the action. I’m totally okay with training alone too, I have kind of become used to being alone again (I spent a lot of my teen years in solitude) and even though I know I shouldn’t keep to myself so much it just kinda breeds on itself.

When I spend a day hanging out with a friend I’m like “omg! I love people, I need to hang out with people every. single. freaking. day!” but then I just spend one day alone and I’m all “dude. I think I don’t need people”. I’m silly but it’s how I was born. When it comes down to it though, just like everything else, I just need to find some sort of happy medium. Like hang out with people every other day or something. Not just once a week, if that.

Highlight of my month, or maybe longer, I went to the Tegan and Sara concert here with my friend Lisa on Thursday. She bought me a ticket for my birthday which was super sweet! I went to her house before the show to kill some time and I got to see her wedding pictures which were totally awesome. Lisa has these cute little bangs that I am so jealous of and they were looking wicked sweet in every single picture. wow, how easily I become lost in my own thoughts. So we hung out at her house for a bit and then drove like a mile, parked and walked to the theatre. It was a great show and I had a blast hanging out with Lisa too! All in all Thursday was a winner!

I went to see my therapist earlier that evening. I hadn’t seen her in about 3 weeks. We had a really good session and we are going to start working on some specific things I would like to change about myself, ways of thinking or whatever. I have her email address and I am going to send her a list of a few things I would like to focus on. One of them is my guilt, I feel guilty for everything and am constantly saying sorry for things I have no need to apologize for. I know, that sounds like such a big issue right, but really it is because it goes into bigger things. I can feel guilty and apologize to Kendel for the cat puking on her bed, which yeah might seem dumb and who cares but I can also feel guilty for doing something that makes me happy but that might upset someone else.

I have some other things too, like obviously my overwhelming obsession with what everyone thinks about everything I do. It seems weird too, like if I was so worried I wouldn’t put so much stuff out here, but in my head this is supposed to help me get over worrying about what people think. I’m not sure if its good or bad but I’m addicted now and the sharing is probably just going to keep happening.

I also have a huge problem with people pleasing, though it seems like I am doing a lot of displeasing lately. I love to do things for people and make things for people and just be someone that people love because I am so awesome, but I need to stop worrying about everyone else. I think I got myself in this crazy little spot right here because I haven’t thought about myself as much as we as humans need to think about ourselves.

When I type those things out they seem so stupid, but they aren’t to me, they are big things that weigh on me and hopefully if I can work on those problems then I will have a smaller issue with depression. I’m really just so sick and tired of getting hit by those waves of earth crushing sadness and hopelessness. All it takes is one little thing to send me downhill and I pretty much just keep rolling until I hit a tree or reach the bottom. I just want to have some sort of consistent mood that I can sort of depend on. I can’t even explain how annoying it is to wake up, have a good morning and think life is a grand ol’ thing just to have one teeny tiny thing ruin it all. It’s so fucking annoying, that’s how annoying it is.

I’m sorry I’m totally writing a book here but when the thoughts flow I just roll with them and for some reason tonight they are just rolling better than usual but still sub par to the way things USED to roll around here. I don’t really know how to wrap up this post but I am determined to so I guess I will just say thanks for reading and have an amazing day!

Believe it or not we’re in the ER again!!!!

Originally uploaded by foxygreen

Kendel fell on her ankle this morning just as we were heading out.
She’s a walking tragedy.

do you bring about what you think about?

I have pretty much been sick for over 4 months now. It’s probably definitely related to my thinking habits, my mood and my mindset of dark clouds. My mind is sick so why should my body feel any different? Why should my life feel any different?

I have been stuck in this really bad spot in my head. It’s pretty cozy, there is a fluffy chair that I never want to get out of and across from it a huge bookcase full of books with leather covers and shiny gold embossed titles that sparkle before my eyes. Why do I keep such good records on all that is bad in my life you may ask, why do I keep everything dusted and in easy reach? Well, I think its because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be miserable and these “books” are a great foundation to my tower of misery. The problem is that every single book is just some painful memory and instead of sitting there all day in the comfy chair I need to get out of that room and probably just burn the house down.

Sure these books all made me who I am right now and even though I can’t bear to get out of bed some days I really do like the person that I know lives deep inside me. I don’t need to understand why my mom wasn’t a good mom, I don’t need to understand any of it. It’s ooooooooover, why can’t I just move on?

Sometimes I think that if I could just understand then it would be okay. I think it IS okay though, I’m only mildly screwed up and the only person really hurting me now is me. I punish myself constantly all day long and I’m too embarrassed to even tell you how.

My idea is that if there is something you aren’t telling people then you need to look at why. I know there is something wrong with so many of the things I do but what really lets me know it is that no one else knows about them. If I don’t tell people then I don’t have to accept it. I feel like a prisoner to myself most days and it really, really sucks.

I know I talk about so much here and I really don’t care if people think I’m crazy for the things I say but I feel like I can only scratch the surface. If I really wrote about some of the things in my head I think someone I know would have me committed.

Maybe thats the difference between thinking you are crazy and actually being crazy. Maybe I’m still sane because I know what to not tell people and I know what to hide. I think about so many things and sometimes that is something I think a lot about. How you can know someone but not know them at the same time. We are all afraid to tell people certain things because we fear what they’ll think of us.

I try so hard to not care what people think of me but sometimes I just sit around flooded with regret for writing certain things here or talking about stuff with people but all those feelings get me nowhere. I have become too comfortable thinking about things that give me headaches and heart ache.

I’m consumed by what other people think about me, so much that I get diarrhea. My stomach turns into a big knot and no matter what I tell myself I can’t get over it. I get so worked up over nothing and man is it annoying.

Last Tuesday morning started out like most mornings. Ellie was the center of attention and being her usual happy, giggly self. She just started crawling a few days ago, like actually moving forward and being able to get to the cats she loves so much, instead of just moving like an inch and having us call it crawling. Its now undeniable crawling.

Kendel and Ellie were in my room with me this morning because I actually have a large area of carpet that is great for crawling babies, unlike the disaster that we call Kendel’s room. Ellie was making us laugh because she just can’t help but flirt with herself in mirrors and there was one right in front of her on my wall.

So we’re both talking to her, she’s laughing, we’re laughing and then she just lays down flat on the floor, like she suddenly just needed a break from the laughter. I keep joking with her and she smiles but something just isn’t right.

“I think she’s taking a poop” Kendel says as she picks her up off the floor and onto her lap. She stiffens her body, let’s out some grunts and the look in her eyes drops my stomach. Kendel and I both knew something was wrong at the exact same moment. I asked Kendel if Ellie was okay and the panic in my voice scared Kendel even more. Kendel started shrieking.

Kendel stood up with Ellie, I looked in Ellie’s face and her eyes were rolling back. She stopped breathing and Kendel yelled for me to call 911. I called and repeated my address to the lady twice because she didn’t understand when I said the “and a half” that is after our street number. I kept telling her Ellie wasn’t breathing and I asked her what to do. Of course I was freaking out of my mind with panic but the lady wouldn’t tell me what to do and I wanted to die. She just kept asking me “is she breathing yet?”.

Ellie’s face turned white, her lips were blue and her eyes were open but looking upward. She still wasn’t breathing. Kendel and I were so scared. We both lost our little brother 7 years ago and that was the only thing running through my head, I couldn’t bear to lose another little person in my life. I kept telling Kendel she was going to be okay, but honest truth she looked like she was dead and I was freaking out.

While I was on the phone with the dispatcher I was about three feet from Kendel and I could barely look at Ellie. Kendel layed Ellie on the bed and used the nose sucker thing on her, which Ellie hates with a passion, and she started to breathe again. Kendel said it seemed to startle her into breathing but who knows.

I stood in the doorway and kept telling the lady on the phone what was going on, Ellie was breathing again but doing weird things. Opening and shutting her mouth and eyes in slow motion. It was the worst thing I have ever seen.

The lady told me the ambulance was coming and then I hung up. Kendel gave Ellie to me and I sat on the couch with her. She was totally dazed out and still acting weird and it seemed like it took the ambulance forever but everything happens in slow motion when you’re that scared.

The paramedics came in and looked Ellie over and then took her and Kendel to the hospital. I drove to the ER and we were there for about 5 hours. They did blood work, tested her urine and all they found out was that she had two ear infections and a bit of a bladder infection.

We had just taken Ellie to the doctor a few weeks ago because she had a cold and they put her on antibiotics but apparently they didn’t work and instead of getting better her ears got worse. She hadn’t been pulling on them or anything so we had no idea. She had been a little fussy in the days prior to this but she’s teething so we just thought it was that.

After all that time in the ER and the blood draws and the x-ray to see if she swallowed something they decided to admit her for overnight observation. Kendel stayed with her at the hospital and I went home at about 9. I layed in bed all night with Ellie’s face plastered to my eyelids. The scene played over and over and I couldn’t help but think about my little brother.

After a night in the hospital they still had nothing to tell us. Ellie is on antibiotics and has a doctors apt in a few days. She has been totally fine and normal since it happened but we both keep a hawks eye on her. I can’t imagine the unbearable pain that goes along with losing your baby but I do know the pain of losing a sweet little person from your life and it’s something that never goes away. You can never really come to terms with it like you can an old dying grandmother. The little people are supposed to stay so the big people can smile.

I wrote this a few days ago and have been pondering if I wanted to post it. Right now I say yes, tomorrow I may say no. peace & love greenbeans!

I hate to blog about why I haven’t been blogging, it seems so lame. Honestly though I have like 6 half done posts right here in front of me. I can’t seem to keep my thoughts flowing, I just reach this abrupt end and I can’t figure out how to wrap it up so I start anew thinking the next one will work out better. It’s really bothering me a lot, more than the lack of new content here bothers you ;)

I’m still pretty much the same, things keep happening around me and I react to them in weird ways and then I get depressed and then I eat another cookie. Seriously, ANOTHER cookie. Me like cookie.

I’ll just tell you where I’m at right now. I’m on my bed. awesome, I know. Seriously though, I just got home from driving circles all over this town. Not for me, not because I have a million things to do, I have no where to be, it was for Kendel. I’m her taxi driver and this job is taxing me pretty heavily. We can talk about my unhealthy behavior with Kendel later, like maybe in the post below this one if you’re lucky. That’s right, today you are getting posts, plural! I haven’t slammed it out on you in awhile so tah-dah.

I came home and decided that I just needed to process some things and talk to myself a little bit. I was supposed to see my therapist today but she canceled on me, I haven’t seen her in two weeks, uh oh! So here I am. I just wrote something and it feels pretty heavy, not sure if I will post it, who am I kidding I probably will.

I just cant help it though, my mind is heavy all the time lately. Everything I think about is on a deeper level. I can’t get out of it and just have a floaty day. I analyze everything I do, everything I say and everything I feel. I want to know why I do it all and how I can stop being such a cry baby sadster.

Yes, I’m a cry baby. Lately everything makes me soooooo sad. I saw a dead chicken in the road the other day and all I could think about was how sad it was that the chicken got hit by a car. A cute little feathered chicken struck DEAD right there, right in the road. Don’t people have the decency to slow down and let a chicken cross a road?!?! I mean kah-mon.

I’m also thinking about all the people I know, how much they mean to me, the ways they have changed and shaped my life and all the reasons they might never know. I have a hard time telling people how I really feel and I don’t want everyone thinking that my declarations to them are some sort of goodbye and that I’m planning on filling my bath tub with milk just so I can sit it in, eat a box of oreo’s and then drown myself.

Honestly though, you never know when your last day will be, shouldn’t it be okay to just tell people how much they mean to you? I mean, no one told me it wasn’t okay but people always get weird when you start having conversations like that. I never get drunk so I have to tell people I love them when we are both sober. Maybe I need to start drinking.

I was really super duper good friends with someone when I was in high school and after not seeing or talking to each other for a really long time we got back in touch and they told me they had thought I forgot about them. Does that happen? Do people forget about you? I wonder how many people have forgot about me, better yet I wonder how many people think about me and wonder if I think about them or if they have been forgotten.

You see here, I’m in this thinking mood. I’m in it all the time and it’s good, it really is, but when I don’t ever get out of it I get a little tired. Like I just want to stop thinking for a bit so I try to watch something or read and I find that I just figure out some way to relate everything to myself and there I am still in my own head.

I wonder if this is normal and how I should be thinking but that for the past however many years I was just in this weird sort of limbo where I was staying on the surface and not really delving into asking myself questions or thinking about really deep things. I think I have always been so concerned with everyone else. I’m not sure any of this is making sense, it is what it is though!

peace & love my greenbeans!

Of course it would make sense that when my sister Katie calls the cops on my mom (more on this later), one of the officers would be someone I went to high school with. And of course my mom would show him a picture of me just to make sure he knew who I was. Yes person I went to high school with but never talked to, my mom appears to be fucking insane but it’s all a ruse, she’s knows exactly what she’s doing. . . she’s ruining her children’s lives.

I used to love my mom, the way a puppy loves it’s owner even after a beating. I used to make up excuses for the way she treated us (it was the drugs, not her) and just the way she was in general but as I sit here and try to make excuses for my own pathetic behavior on a daily basis I realize that she could have been a better mother if she wanted to because I know I can be a better person if I want to. You just have to man up and make the move.

There are things in everyones life that can be used as an excuse for something, but I’m sick of excuses. I like it when people take responsibility for shit and I am ready to take responsibility for myself. I am responsible for how I let everything around me affect me. I can take everything personal and I can suffer if I want or I can just move on. I feel that If I am depressed, lazy, whatever… It’s because I am choosing to be.

I feel like I have way too many things I can think about when I want to be sad, it’s too easy for me to be sad. I don’t like doing things that are easy, I like a challenge and I like to work hard even though nothing I have done in this past year has really shown that. Well, maybe something. I have worked really hard at making myself miserable and now that I’ve done it and been miserable for way too freakin’ long I need to turn around and start running the other way.

Most of the people I went to school with didn’t know much about me because I never talked much and was very shy. The friends I did have only knew what I wanted them to and more often than not, anything that I shared with them came back to bite me in the ass somehow.

In 7th grade I lived with my mom and sisters in an outreach shelter for about 6 months. I finally told one of my friends after trying to hide it and just a few days later I heard some people talking about how I lived in a shelter, I wanted to die but instead acted like I didn’t hear them.

Middle school is a blur to me really, it was one of the most miserable times of my life. My mom was “trying” to get clean, she was not succeeding and I missed TONS of school. I remember I would miss school because I only had two shirts. I would go for two days, miss a day and then go back hoping no one would make fun of me because the only thing I wore was a pair of jeans and two different “no fear” shirts. Other days I would wake up and about 15 minutes before I was supposed to go catch my bus my mom would call and tell me I needed to stay home and watch Kendel. Katie would stay home those days too because she never did like school.

I have too many stories like this. To me they all just illustrate that my mother was a complete and utter failure as a parent and as a decent human. Growing up I woke up so many mornings and she wasn’t even home. She would stay out all night and not even care. I’m 28 now, with my own maternal instincts and I cannot imagine leaving three kids alone all night in an apartment. My mom is a fucking whore and she has literally ruined my life by fucking up my head.

There are so many things that are deeply ingrained in me and no matter how much I fight them they don’t go away. I have this need to take care of everyone and everything because my mom constantly left me with my sisters and its just what I did. I played mom from the time I was 8 and it has made my life so difficult. I was not a carefree kid, when I was 11 and living with my dad I gave my mom all my allowance every time I saw her and I told my Dad I was saving it up. I felt like my mom wouldn’t be okay without my help, that shit ain’t right.

I think that taking care of people and making sure other people are happy will make me happy but it doesn’t at all. I used to be really good at telling myself it would but one day something broke and I realized it wasn’t true. I will not be happy until I start taking care of me.

Even though I know this, even though this has been a huge part of my recent break down I still do it. Its like pulling your hand away from something hot, it happens without you having to think about it, your hand just pulls away. Well when someone needs something or asks me to do something or I even get the slightest hint that if I offer to sew them some curtains for their kitchen their life will be 100% better, I just jump right in. I can’t control it really.

It may seem so dumb but it’s a huge, huge issue for me. I just want to be helpful and giving, partly because then I think people will like me more and think I am way awesomer and it’s so ridiculous. I’m trying to realize people will like me even if I don’t hem their pants. I like people even if they don’t do things for me, why am I so weird?

I’m 28 years old but I feel like I’m 18. I feel like I am just finding out who I am. I went straight from my living with my dysfunctional family to living with Michael & his family to living with just Michael. I never lived on my own, I never figured out who I was without other people around. I always thought it was so awesome that I had found the love of my life so young, that I didn’t have to experience heart break, that I didn’t have to go out and find my place in the world alone. I think you have to though, If I don’t know who I am in this world alone then really I am nothing but a mirror to whoever I cling to. I’m breaking the mirror I’ve been holding up to you and what you see behind the broken glass will be me with my big smile and my own thoughts and opinions, I hope you don’t mind.