Today I put my pants on and they were tighter. I pulled my shirt down and it just rode back up again. My clothes don’t fit right, I have no will power when it comes to food and since I am so consumed by what everyone thinks of me I am too dumb to go to the gym or run outside in the daylight. I am getting so sick of waking up everyday to the same cycle of lameness.

Speaking of waking up, it takes me hours to do so. I am so unhealthy right now that I just never have any energy and I can’t think straight even after 9 hours of sleep. I know what things I could do to make myself better but I just don’t do them. For some reason I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I mean, I want to be happy but everything I am doing says otherwise.

I get so mad at myself. I look in the mirror and I just see a weak loser. I want so much for myself, I feel like I can do so much and yet for some reason I am too afraid to try. I am lost in this puddle of pity I have cried over here and since my finger tips are starting to wrinkle I want out.

I have good days, or good chunks of hours, but they are easily smashed and to me this is one of the most frustrating parts of my life right now. I have had this issue with my moods for a long time but it was almost always caused by expectations I had that weren’t getting met. I try my best not to have expectations but I do. I feel like certain people owe me certain things. I feel like people take advantage of me. I feel dumb for not speaking up when I should. I just constantly feel bad about everything. Everything depresses me!

It’s hard to get out of bed when you feel like the dumbest person in the world. I realize this is quickly turning into a stupid ramble but I am just having such a hard time right now! I am not happy with a single thing I am doing in my life. I feel like I could be doing so much but I’m not. I feel like I could be happy but I am choosing not to be.

I haven’t talked to Michael for nearly two months. We’ve exchanged a few emails but thats it. I spent 9+ years of my life with him. What I’m going through right now is FUCKING INSANE! Someone asked me the other day if it has been weird for me since I was so close to Michael’s family. Yeah it’s been weird. I feel like I had this life and everyone is gone now. nothing is the same, everything is different and awkward and uncomfortable and I’m the one that did it all. I lost all these things in my life that I had been so used to.

I feel like a failure too right now because I wanted this, I wanted to find myself, I wanted to be away from Michael, blah blah blah and here I sit in my own miserableness and from the little things I’ve heard (it’s hard not to hear things when we have a lot of the same friends) Michael is doing great and he’s changing and the new Michael is so awesome and blah blah blah. You know what, I want to be happy that he’s happy. but I’m not. it makes me feel that much more like a fucking waste of space.

I was the one that was unhappy. I raised up all these issues. I wanted to live apart and then I’m the one that broke up with him. I’m the one that wanted more, wanted things to be different, and now he’s the one out there living it up and having fun and hanging out with people and running races and secretly every time I hear anything about him I want to stab a fork in my eye and pull out my own eyeball.

There is no fire inside of me right now. I want there to be. I want there to be one so BAD! but there just isn’t. I don’t know how to start it. I’m just in this really bad habit of punishing myself and I thought it would go away when I had some space but it has become worse.

I don’t let myself have fun because I tell myself I don’t deserve it. I haven’t worked enough, the house is a mess, I haven’t made enough money, blah blah blah. Then when I actually do decide to go do something with someone I am just paranoid about the conversation because I don’t know exactly the best way to word “I’ve just been super busy doing nothing and crying about it”.

I am so fucking depressed right now. I hate the weather, it sucks balls. when I see a hint of the sunshine I get a tiny dose of happiness but it fades pretty fast. I still have Katie’s dog and earlier today he jumped out of the car, over the top of me and ran into traffic. I about died and ran right out after him. so later when I stopped by safeway I was on high alert for him to escape from the car and he was trying really hard to so I ended up yelling at him and after I shut the car door I saw there was a lady in the car next to me and she was looking at me. Like straight looking me in the face like “yeah I just saw you treat your dog like that”. So then the whole time I was in the store I was just thinking about how I have no patience for anything right now, I mean I like to think that I do but then things like that happen and I realize I don’t.

It’s just so hard being me (huge sigh and giant toothy grin). With Kendel living with me I feel like a single parent. I feel like things might be a little different if I was alone here but maybe they’d be the same, who knows. I love Kendel and I love the baby to death but feeling responsible for them both is so draining. anyways, sorry for this big load or shit, cheers to the weekend and I hope you are all awesome! thanks for reading and commenting, I love you all!

Summer popped in to visit me on Monday. She took me to an early birthday lunch and brought me an awesome bouquet of bright green balloons, flowers, a case of rootbeer and even my favorite mascara! She said she tried to get me all my favorite things, which I thought was super sweet.

Summer and I became friends pretty quickly after we met because we had a really similar upbringing and we really identified with each other a lot. When I got to hang out with her yesterday I was also reminded why I love her so much, she is the most open person I have ever met and to be around that feels so freeing. I feel like there is nothing I could say to her that would make her shy away from me.

She moved back to Bend a few years ago and since then we aren’t really as close as we used to be but it’s nice to see that our friendship is more like a sisterly love, we can meet up and even if it’s been several months we can pick up right where we left off.

Sometimes I feel like my shyness and fear of judgment has really had a detrimental effect on my life. Summer has lots of friends and makes very fast friends because of the type of person she is. I have a hard time making friends because I wait for someone to knock on my door before I open it. I love opening my door but sometimes I don’t think my porch is very inviting. :(

I don’t know why I am so scared about so much. Just the other day I had tentative lunch plans and when my friend called up they said someone else would also be there. I had already agreed to meet so I couldn’t back out but the whole time I was walking to the restaurant I was fighting anxiety. I had to keep telling myself it was going to be okay, this person wasn’t going to care I was 189lbs and I had no reason to worry what they thought of my anyway. It was so draining.

When I actually met this other person everything was fine but the time up to that point was pure misery. I am so sick of being this way. I used to think if I was happy with the way I looked then I wouldn’t have so much anxiety around people but I have been happy with the way I look before so I know that’s not it, it’s just an excuse I like to use.

I suppose the only solution to this problem is to keep trudging through, after enough times of realizing everything IS going to be okay maybe I will stop freaking out. Come and knock on my door… I’ll be waiting for you…

about my last post: I love having uninterrupted conversations with myself and I really don’t care who knows what about me. I’m just going to keep on sharing because I feel like it makes the world a better place, my world at least. This blog is one of my favorite things. I love writing and I love the thought of getting to write out certain thoughts and feelings that can let people understand me a little better. I’m a complex machine over here.

Anyways, lets get right into the dirty. One thing I thought about not doing anymore was talking about my family. I think you are supposed to respect your family enough not to air all their dirt but you know what? All their dirt weasels its way into my life and I am the only one that seems to care about having clean clothes.

What it boils down to is that I am not going to change a darn tootin’ thing around here. I am going to keep being as open as a door off its hinges and if you have the pleasure (yes it is a pleasure) of knowing me in real life then you can walk through anytime you want. I do a lot of sharing but I am also a great listener :)

I had so many problems sharing parts of my life with other people for so long. There were very few friends that knew my home situation when I was in school and sometimes I had huge regrets in telling people anything at all because in some way it would just get thrown back in my face down the road. I lived in situations I had no control over and that I was embarrassed about. I spent so much of my life being embarrassed and trying to hide things from people.

I was constantly stressed about making good friends because I thought eventually they would want to come to my house and that just was not going to happen. That scenario would have gone something like: “please come in, oh just go ahead and step over that… there’s my brother, yes that is a t-shirt he is wearing instead of a diaper… that? oh that’s my mom’s boyfriends bong… There’s my mom, yeah she’s sleeping and she’s been sleeping for two days… do you want something to drink? never mind, there’s no more soda… Water? uh, we don’t have any clean cups…sorry. Okay, there’s my room, yeah it’s pretty clean compared to the rest of the house, haha, oh just let me step on this cockroach real fast…. the bathroom? oh, we don’t have toilet paper right now, sorry… if you really have to go though we can go to the ampm right on the corner.” That aint even a joke. Funny thing about the word aint, it reminds me of my Dad because when we first moved in with him he spent about a month correcting us and telling us “aint aint a word”.

I moved in with my dad when I was 11. I moved from a ghetto ass apartment in Portland to a house in a nice little neighborhood 45 minutes away. It was a huge change for me and it took so much for me to get used to it. I made a few friends but their lives were so different from mine all I wanted to do was pretend I was just like them. Every night I had to comfort my sister Katie because she would cry and cry for my mom. I couldn’t cry for my mom because Katie needed me to be strong.

Ever since I can remember I have felt weighed down with responsibilities. I didn’t really ever feel like I could be myself unless I was completely alone and that’s why I loved being home alone on the weekends. I was never myself around people, I was always playing a role. I always just wanted things to be okay and I constantly lied to myself because if I had accepted how messed up things were around me I would have gone crazy.

I started struggling with depression right after I moved out to live with Michael. I was away from my family and I had a chance to just be me and not hide anything and to just reflect on so much. It was overwhelming and consumed my mind at times. I just couldn’t get past it though, I couldn’t just be happy that I was out of there… I was consumed by my feelings and I was so hurt that things were the way they were for me.

I don’t know why this happened to me. When I was living in the midst of chaos all I thought about was the one day when I would be free and I could be happy because I would only have to worry about myself. When I finally got away I felt bad. I felt like I had left my siblings and I felt like they deserved so much more than they were getting. It was hard to be happy when all I could do was think of them.

I have never been able to put myself before someone else. It just feels wrong. I always think about the people I care about. I rather buy someone else something than myself. I feel the need to take care of people, to make people happy to please people, blah blah blah. I know this is another long ass ramble but the point I am trying to get to is that I cannot get away from taking care of people. I do not know how to take care of myself. I don’t know how to make myself happy. My idea of happiness is grabbing someone, making them stand beside me and then spending all my time making sure THEY are happy, like this happiness will rub over onto me.

It’s fucked up and I am trying my hardest to deal with it but when you are trying to change something that is so deeply ingrained in you that it is stamped on your skull under your skin, it sucks! I know what I need to do but because it is the opposite of what I have done for so long it feels wrong. I am trying to learn that I can love without feeling responsible. I am not responsible for any other persons happiness. I am not responsible to anyone but myself and my un-born or un-adopted children and my pets.

It’s so hard though. Imagine you’re a person who wears socks everyday. It feels good, they’re nice and soft, but wait! suddenly socks become cancer causing! how hard is it going to be for you to stop doing this thing you have done ever since you can remember? Aren’t there going to be days where you just want to throw on some socks even though it might kill you? Changing is so hard. I want to change so bad. I want to love how it feels when I put my naked foot into my shoe but it’s going to take some getting used to.

I decided it was time to post a post and so here I am type, type, typing my heart out. Kendel and I have had a good couple days together. I’ve been talking to her a lot actually and the funny thing is that sometimes I think she is tuning me out and I’ll say something to her like: “oh you probably just want me to shut the hell up huh?” and she’ll say no and tell me her opinion on what I was just talking about and I am almost floored. See, I get in these moods where my mind goes a mile a minute and I literally cannot shut my face for the life of me.

Today was one of those days. I was talking to her about this, my blog, which she doesn’t read but is well aware of. I was telling her that sometimes I think about shutting it down and not writing anymore because I don’t really feel like it is making me closer to anyone. I feel like lots of people are really getting the chance to get to know me or get inside my head but here I still sit and most days I don’t feel like I really know anyone. I was telling her that instead of plastering all this stuff to my website maybe I should save it all for face to face conversations, situations where you decide WHO you want to know WHAT about you. know what I’m saying? Do you feel me?

It’s just so weird. I love, love sharing my thoughts but also I’m starting to think it is just another isolation technique. When I see people do I need to bother myself with wondering if they have read my blog, or trying to remember what I wrote on my blog so I don’t repeat the same stories over to people? yeah, I don’t know… these are all the things that cross this little indecisive mind of mine.

Weird thing about this little place I have going here, this little mind of mine online… some people don’t want to admit they read it and I think it’s because they don’t feel like they know me well enough to know what the know about me. Maybe they’re right, maybe all this stuff isn’t for everyone to know. Maybe it’s just for those deep conversations you have with your closest friends.

I’m also sick of wondering how many people think I am insane, how many people have discovered I am not the person they thought I was and how many people in my life read these things I write but don’t ever tell me, don’t ever comment, and don’t ever see it as a door I am opening for them to walk through.

I thought sharing stuff would make it easier for people to be my friend, or understand me or whatever and while it has done a little of that it has also just left so many other things a big question mark in my head.

I feel like I am missing out on that other part of the conversation, the part where the other person opens up and tells you their crazy thoughts and makes you feel a little less crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great comments, I love my comments, but I just think I am missing out on face time in my life.

I don’t post in forever and then suddenly you come back and there is just too much. I apologize. I can’t remember the thing I was thinking about earlier, that I said I would write about earlier, I should have known I would forget but where is my trusty notebook when I need it? I have this little notebook and I have started to write down little things in it because I go to bed at night and remember all these little thing I meant to do but forgot about.

My nails have these tiny bits of purple polish with glittery sparkles just right in the middle and it looks weird, I am too lazy to get out the polish remover and take off what remains of a once cute and fun paint job on my finger nails.

I found two rings I thought I had lost or left somewhere… I was so excited!! Of course they were in some obscure place, just as I knew they could quite possibly be. I am so weird sometimes, I stick things in little places and when I do it I am so sure I would never forget about it but I always do.

So I am glad to have my rings again, not that they fit my fingers… yeah, that sucks. When your rings don’t go on your fingers anymore you know there were too many cupcakes on your plate for lunch. Seriously though, I know they will fit again someday, not worries.

I’m really not as down about my weight as I might act. I don’t know if I act down, I just know I complain about it a lot. The kind of complaining that I know is stupid the second it comes out my mouth but it just keeps coming anyway. bleh, sorry for being such a stupid girl sometimes.

I think I kind of deserve the right though, I have tried to be such a nice smart girl for so long I am just giving myself the freedom to let it all hang out. Tomorrow is Saturday, well technically right now it is very early saturday but whatev. All the days just mush together for me. No day of the week holds any excitement for me. Fridays are actually sort of dreadful because I am just sitting around doing something, or maybe nothing, and I’m like, “oh, its friday night…people are out having fun and being excited for the weekend and I am not. oh well.” its kind of funny though in a way. Really all my days are fridays so what do I care.

I try to pump myself up with all this positive thinking and sometimes it works for a little bit but it wears off. I am super happy that I can make my own money and I don’t need a job. I’m not super happy that I suck at being my own boss and that I get lonely and bored with myself. I am super happy I am not writing computer programs right now but I am not super happy that I feel like a failure at so many things.

My cats are laying in bed with me, well I am sitting, but they are all licking their asses at the same time, its really annoying and I have a tiny tick in my leg because it is wanting to kick them onto the floor. But thats not nice and thats just the part of me that is being annoyed at them because it is taking away some of the annoyance I have for myself.

My back has been hurting like crazy lately. sorry if I am repeating things, don’t know if I already told you guys that. but its crazy hurting, I woke up the other day and I was all stiff and it was painful to sit up. every little tiny thing I am stressing over is becoming a physical pain in my ass instead of just a metaphorical pain in my ass.

So Kendel and I have set some… I don’t know what to call them… rules I guess, yeah so we’ve set out some rules and tonight she didn’t follow them and I had to be the un-nice sister and be a pseudo-mom which sucks freakin ass. Being the sad little people pleaser I am, making someone follow my rules just isn’t what I like to spend my days doing. I told her that by not doing something we had agreed to she was disrespecting me and making me do something I have told her repeatedly is hard for me and I hate to do it. She just said sorry a bunch of times, which I told her was the last thing I wanted to hear from her mouth and then she didn’t say much else.

My moods are different day to day but for some reason I can’t stand it when hers are. One day I am her best friend, the next I am this annoying bossy rule enforcing person. I just want to be a sister, I haven’t had babies yet for a reason, I don’t want to be a damn mom. I’m just bitching here, not looking for a solution, like “hey how about you just not live with her…” I love Kendel, I love Ellie and though I am trying my damnedest to break my codependent behaviors I just couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t able to make sure Ellie has the best life she possibly can.

And Kendel too. My sisters and I were all raised with no rules. We could do whatever we wanted all the time, our mom didn’t care enough to give us curfews or tell us not to smoke or ride in cars with people we didn’t know etc, etc. She was too busy and I am trying to show Kendel that I care about her. I care about her enough to make sure she isn’t being stupid and to constantly have little “talks” with her. It may sound dumb but I think she might be constantly testing me because when I get upset with her and have talks in some way that is what makes her feel like I truly care. I told her a million times what she needed to do if she didn’t want to keep having talks with me where I just tell her everything I think she needs to do. I’m talking out my ass, Im going to bed, peace :)

PLUS a picture from this morning at 8:30am…

Alrighty, it’s almost 4 in the afternoon and I am still in my jammies. I call them jammies because I wear them when I’m jammin’. anywho, my throat is sorer than… sorry the only thing I can think of is nasty and I have to draw the line somewhere. My throat is sore though, really really sore! have I mentioned before that I love Chloraseptic? oh because if not I do and I love it a lot, a lot. My grandpa always had it when I was little and I used it constantly whenever I was at his house, I didn’t even have a sore throat but it was a fun experience to have parts of my mouth go numb-ish.

What’s lame right now is that I cannot find my Chloraseptic and I am too lazy to go buy another one… I know I have mentioned how I am lazy. Yeah so I am just sitting here suffering, not that surprising actually because it’s a common theme to the days of my life. I am beginning to wonder if I have contracted the never ending cold. It’s been almost a month of this crap and I am really getting tired of it.

So in other news, I have started to grow my eyebrows back in again. I know, you are riveted. They are doing well but I am still having issues with that one part that wont grow back, it has been plucked one too many times apparently. My thinking is that if my eyebrows are a bit thicker it might make my face seem a bit smaller… I do have a big head after all and I have some extra weight on my cheeks from my depression weight gain so I am just doing what I can to balance out the things that need balancing.

I baby sat Ellie this morning and it was quite fun. We hung out on my bed after dropping Kendel off at Chemeketa for some job workshop she had to do at 8am. We drank some formula, well not me, and took a nap (I officially am not an endorser of the adult nap though! dont ask why, I’m just not) but when I woke up to her kicking me repeatedly in the face I knew it was time for fun.

Ellie is getting so big so fast and it is just throwing me totally off. In the last two days it has seemed to me that she has woken up a completely different baby. The other day she refused to lay back in her swing and we had to adjust the seat so she could sit upright. She sat there for hours talking to the cats and being as happy as could be. She is making a lot of noise now too, every time she sees the cats she throws weird noises at them and they run from her.

It’s crazy having her here. Babies and animals are like these little magical things that can make anyone smile. When I play with Ellie I feel like all my problems are so stupid and that life is about living… not avoiding to live. I avoid way to much, nothing gets better by avoidance, no matter how much I want it to, haha.

I’m home alone right now feeling like a pooper scooper. Not only am I stinky and dirty but I am only needed to scoop up the shit everyone leaves lying around. I was thinking about some things today after Kendel left and since this is already pretty long I will leave those for something to write about tonight.