“Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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After some thinking and pondering and deliberating I have decided to come here to my trusty old website and once again share the insanity that is what I make of my life. For awhile today I contemplated just ending this blog all together because, as you well know, I can’t write unless I’m writing for real and real just doesn’t want to come off these finger tips lately.

Here’s the real: I am overwhelmed with so many feelings every day that sometimes I just go numb. I don’t get happy or sad, I don’t care, I don’t cry, I just wake up, take a shower and go through the motions of this life I’m leading. That in itself makes me sad and I know I’m doing it when I lie down in bed and have an anxiety attack, something is wrong.

Last night as I laid in bed awake, until 4:30 am, I had a flood of thoughts. It always amazes me at how clear and smart I seem to myself at night in the comfort of my cat-fur covered bedding. These thoughts had everything to do with what I am doing right now and nothing to do with making up stupid little lies and reasons for doing it.

For one thing, my life right now is way too complicated for me to be adding classes into the mix. I registered for classes because I was reaching for something and school is definitely not where that something is. I am looking down the tunnel at a life with a lot of flash floods and I just can’t be trying to write computer programs while pretending all is well. I’m going to drop all my classes tomorrow.

As embarrassing as it is for me to sit here typing this out for all to read I have a certain amount of happiness and strength I am getting from it because to me it’s proof that I’m doing my best at not giving a shit about what anyone thinks of me or what I do. I know that anyone who loves me or is a true friend will be there supporting me and all those who don’t won’t matter anyway.

I’m not afraid to admit that I fuck up. I do things wrong, I make bad decisions, I don’t always let my cats in at the first meow, I cuss, sometimes I don’t wash my hair for a week… at least I admit it. I think the beauty in doing things wrong is that there is this point where you feel the wrongness and you have a choice, you can keep going with that nagging feeling in tow or you can stop and change directions. Yeah I have zigged and zagged with the best of them but it has led me here to this moment and I just have to take it for what it is.

I have been talking to myself a lot today. I have been telling myself I am smart, that I have a lot to share with the world, that I am strong, that I don’t need approval, that I don’t need the love of my parents, that I don’t need to be the nice guy anymore, that I am the best cat owner ever, that I am beautiful, that I have nothing to prove to anyone, that I have lots of friends, that I am lucky, that I can make it out of this mess if I quit thinking about finishing things for the sake of finishing them, you get the idea.

It’s truly amazing what some alone time can do for a person. I feel like my mind opened up to the sky and was greeted in green glittery rain. I feel this way for several reasons. For one, I was just being honest and true to myself in recognizing I had made a mistake. For two, I realized that those rash decisions I make, the ones that seem so right at the moment, are wrong. And third! I decided to keep it on the real and write it here.

Okay so today Apple had some big announcements/new products/whatever and for the first time in a bazillion years I had to go do all the reading about it myself, and you know what? I just didn’t. There are just some things in life that I rather be told to me than discovered by me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Apple, but I just don’t really need anymore Apple gizmos at the moment and I really can’t even think of one more function to add to any of the gizmos I already have. I hardly use any of their functions anyway, I’m too simple for my own good sometimes.

So anyway, the only reason I know about the new stuff that goes along with the iphone update is because of a youtube video and also when I logged into my gmail they had a big thing that said “iphone updates” yeah so it’s all really cool but as embarassing as it may be for me, the computer science student, to say; I’m still not very excited. (was that proper semicolon use? I swear I will learn about semicolons someday)

It was great fun re-arranging the home screen on my phone but I’m also the kind of person who likes certain things to stay the same so after I re-arranged it I realized I liked it better how it was but I couldn’t remember how it was so how much did I really like it that way? A question for the ages. Anyway, I’m now obsessed with re-arranging it until I find the perfect arrangement and I am sure I will waste many hours of class time trying to find the perfectly pleasing way.

I am really loving my iMovie. I can’t figure out the newest one so I just got the old one back again but I love to edit stuff now and I know all my stuff is crap but I’m hoping I will be pumping out the good stuff real soon. I made a funny music video cover that I would like to edit to some sort of goodness real soon. Incase you were wondering, a music video cover is me pretending to be someone else and lip-synching to their song while dancing around. Its way awesome.

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I once again cannot sleep. My hours just can’t be switched, I don’t know what it is, I’m a vampire I think. Today is now the 17th day I have gone without desserts and treats and sweets. I am so happy about it I could jump off the roof and even if I broke my leg I would run down the street cheering at my victory over the evil sugar monster.

I don’t know how much not eating desserts has really changed my life, it’s only been 17 days for the love of all that is green, but I can tell you this: I am feeling way better because I don’t have those ups and downs you get when you eat sugar. The oh my gosh the world is one big cupcake up’s, and the oh my gosh I have cat shit on my hand again! downs.

Now if I can add another good thing to my life every few weeks I should be on the road to not gaining anymore weight. The last time I weighed myself I was 189. Yeah, it scared me because I used to freak out when I was 160 and now I’m almost 30lbs more than that. In reality I am getting so sick of talking about my stupid weight. Who the hell cares, yeah I rip all my pants and I can barely keep my ass crack in my jeans but I’m still an awesome person and the only person who cares about how much I weigh is me and even though I should know this I still let it consume me at times.

I’ve been watching some youtube videos of people who have social anxiety and I realize that I have a very minor case of it because I feel like sometimes it just swallows me up and other times it’s not there at all but I still feel like I have a right to claim that little disorder as a piece of me.

I think there are degrees to everything and just because I leave the house on occasion and talk to a cashier every once in awhile doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I am in a busy store or something and I am overcome by the strangest and most desperate feelings of needing to get the hell out of there so they all stop staring at me. There are also times when I desperately want to be “friendly” and just say a little comment to someone but I can’t even open my mouth, like it just won’t happen. When I type this I can see how weird it is but it’s just this thing inside me and it pops out whenever it wants.

wow I really went off on a tangent there, which reminds me of math so lets talk about that a bit. This math class I’m in…Discrete Math for Computer Science, yeah, it’s a huge mindf*ck. I swear I look at the book, I look at the teachers answer key and I feel like I am trying to decipher something in Japanese and I have to do it in 30 minutes or EVERYONE I KNOW IS GOING TO GO BLIND! I have no love for this math, but I can get through it, I will get through it and I will get my little degree and we can all stop hearing me bitch about doing things I hate.

I’m never satisfied with any of my decisions as of recently so when I make one I just try to roll with it as long as I can to prevent from looking like a crazy psycho. If I was to just do what I wanted to do each day my life would crumble and the hair on my head would fall out because I would be sewing one day, enrolling in flight school the next, dropping out the next and then working at the mall the next and all the while I would be dying my hair a different color each night, thus it would all fall out from being fried. My life on the outside would appear almost as crazy as how I feel on the inside.

I think I have scared away a lot of my readers because of my crazy writing but I’m not really trying to scare away all my real life face to face friends so I am trying to pretend in someway that I am really concrete in doing the things I do. But I’m not. I’m as jiggly as jello in an earthquake but I feel like if I just hold on long enough the world will stop shaking and I will be glad that I didn’t let go of the table cloth and end up splattered all over the floor.

I’m trying to be as real as I can here, you know I’m not the only one whose a little crazy. Or maybe a lot crazy. :)

My cats are laying here
in the most ridiculous of poses
I have the sudden urge
just to lick one of their noses

I’m a crazy cat lady, yeah
but my kicks they be stinkin’
when I go out to my car
its piles of poop that be sneakin’

my driveway is a bunch of rocks
which to a cat means litter box!
I tip toe around like a dummy
because I’m the freaking cat mommy

it’s really just a pain
when they won’t go out in the rain
they’re inside all the time
riding the poopy furball train

peace, i’m out.

I got me a bed
a queen size bed
it fits me
me and my giant head

I also got some cats
three furry purry cats
they sleep in my bed
right by my head

I got lots of other things
like blankets, sheets and springs
those are boring
let’s move onto other things

I bought a pair of jeans
priced within my means
on the knee there are these strings
these long stupid things

They are new but they look old
it’s cool from what I’m told
but I’m annoyed
and keep finding myself a bit cold

So I lay on my bed
with my giant head
wondering about my jeans
and what it all really means

I pet another kitty
oh damn her ass is shitty
I take her to the shower
and spray her with water power

The brown goes down the drain
and then I rack my brain
I need a towel
why is everything such a pain

I dry off my sopping kitty
and boy now is she pretty
don’t worry you are too
’cause you don’t smell like poo

(the crowd cheers and Laycie bows and shines a big bright smile, “thank you, thank you, thank you”)

As I drove home from school today, repeatedly wiping my foggy window with the syllabus to my Network Programming class, I was motivated to kick some world ass. Yeah I’m fine driving a car whose closest cousin is a turd but I really don’t want to.

All I want are simple things and honestly driving this little car seems simple, no payments etc but it really isn’t simple. Simple would be being able to see out my front window, being able to stop at a moments notice and not having to pump the gas several times before I start it in the morning. All these little quirks are anything but simple.

I want a simple life. Yeah maybe my workspace will never be simple but I would like my life outside of work to be simple. I can handle some craziness with my work but when I walk into my house, or get into my car, I just want simple. Life is too crazy in itself without having tons of small things weighing you down.

All this is really just coming from the fact that I would love to be driving a nice car right now. Not a super nice car, just one with the simple things functioning and one that will keep me safe and warm out in this crazy world we live in.

This is my second week back at school but it’s only the second day I’ve been in class. I was sick last week, and still a bit sick right now, so I didn’t go sit through my classes but instead stayed home and camped out in bed with my cats.

Blacky is still hanging around yet she is now staying on the porch and not coming into the house at all because she just sneezes all over everything and as much as I love her and would love for her to be warm I am just a little tired of cleaning boogers off my shoes.

I know it’s only January but I am so ready for winter to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can stay living here in Oregon. It’s beautiful in the Summer but I just can’t handle the winters, they really get me down. I don’t know where I might want to live instead but somewhere with some heat and sunshine would be good. I don’t mind being hot but being cold is another story.

Baby Ellie is still a good little girl, of course. She’s been crying a bit more lately because her teeth are starting to come in. She has started to laugh more often, she rolled over last week and in the past few days she has been trying to sit up every time we lay her down. She’s getting so big so fast, I can’t believe it.

The Honda is doing pretty good. I have heat which is awesome but now my brakes are kinda going out so I gotta call Fred again. With this car and my love of stray cats I am never going to be able to save up any money. Grr.