The heater in the Honda finally got fixed today, thanks to the awesome and amazing Fred. I wish I knew how to work on a car. I wish I even had some sort of clue as to how an engine even works. I don’t though, oh well.

Growing up my mom always drove these huge old cars which funnily enough never had four doors. They could be as long as our apartment building but never have more than two doors. I thought only rich kids got the luxury of having an emergency exit from their parents vehicle. Me?!?! I was trapped in the backseat with a tiny triangular window that was barely big enough for my large head to get through should I have to break it and climb out in the event that my mom accidentally drove into a lake. Things like that really went through my head.

I remember my mom always jimmy riggin up things like a flash light over the license plate because apparently that was easier than just buying a new bulb?!? The fact that right now I have to jiggle my turn signal thing-a-majig until my instrument lights come on (which then lets me know the tail lights are also on) takes me back to my roots. As I drive the instrument lights will periodically go out which is my signal to jiggle the turn signal thingy until they come back on. It’s really fun!

I don’t mind driving a car that is jimmy-rigged here and jimmy-jacked there but sometimes I end up behind a really nice car at a stop light and I imagine what it must be like to have a nice quiet ride… a radio … heat even (i just got it today so it hasn’t sunk in quite yet) but then I also think I like having a junker because I don’t have to worry about a ding or a scratch then I think maybe it would be better to worry about getting a ding or a scratch rather than getting a ticket because some light or some crucial part of the car is no longer working… at least I have a car I guess, the weather has been reeeeeeeally wet lately and even though my hair is super greasy and will repel water like a duck’s feathers, I just rather not get wet if at all possible. Dirty things smell worse once they are wet.

My mom failed to drive with a license or insurance and amazingly enough she never once got in trouble for it. In the universe energy is neither created nor destroyed… only transferred. My mom didn’t manufacture luck in the sink next to the meth… she used up her luck and ALL the luck around her which means I will ALWAYS and forever follow every rule ever thrown at me yet I will still get in trouble somehow because for every action that my mom has gotten away with I will somehow get an equal and opposite reaction. The universe has shown this to me and I have accepted it as my reality. She got away with everything and I will get away with NOTHING, eff Mom. Eff!

It is currently VERY early in the morning and I am not asleep. I have not yet been to sleep today and I imagine that pretty soon my eyes will get so dry that I will have no choice but to shut them and since it isn’t good to wonder around the house with your eyes shut I suppose I can just lie down and possibly fall asleep from boredom. If you can’t get tired then boredom is your next best bet, it’ll knock you out everytime.

I came up with a few really super ideas today, I plan on executing one of them tomorrow but if it is anything like my plan to get some sort of physical activity under my belt today then maybe it won’t happen. I’m not giving up yet, tomorrow hasn’t even technically come yet because it can’t be tomorrow until today is over and today isn’t over until I go to bed.

Tonight I thought I would mix things up a bit by putting my jeans on and leaving the house. I do that every once in awhile, put my jeans on. Mostly I sit around in my extra large and soft sweat pants pondering the meaning of life. Tonights journey out the front door took me to the movies and oh what a fun time I had.

Before I hit up the theater I went to fredmeyer, forgot to check my mailbox at the UPS store, bought some candy and cool white xmas lights at 50% off and listened to the most awesome songs ever to be heard on the radio. Pour Some Sugar on Me, that isn’t played daily my friends. The universe was telling me something: it is okay to eat an entire giant super size bag of peanut butter m&m’s while watching a movie in the theater alone, just be sure to bring the mug rootbeer too :)

I have never been to the movies alone. It was pretty neat. I like to watch people more than I like them watching me so I was super early, like the third person to have a seat and I just watched everyone come in and sit down. I am seeing so many iPhones lately. I think people are less afraid to pull them out in public now, I am still very timid about it. I try so hard not to be an asshole and for some reason I just feel like the biggest one ever when I pull out my most expensive possession in line at Safeway while Kendel cashes in her government vouchers for baby formula.

I’m getting the heater in the Honda fixed tomorrow, yay! It’s at 10am thought which means I have to drag my ass out of bed before noon, oh it will be hard but hopefully for the sake of my frozen fingers and nose I can manage to pull it off. I’m also going to do some sort of physical activity tomorrow, either the gym or a jog outside, we shall see what happens. My therapy appointment went well yesterday. yep, super exciting.

I wish I could have given the gift of a blog post yesterday but sometimes when there is just too much to say I am at a loss for words. The Holidays are always a time of stress for me, even when I was delusional and thought the world was wonderful. This year nothing really hit me until my sister walked into the bathroom on christmas eve morning.

I was standing in front of the mirror, looking at my 5 days dirty hair, pondering if I should take a shower. Kendel asked me if her pants looked good with her shirt and I realized that this is the first year in a long string of years where I wasn’t getting dressed up all pretty-like for the holidays. This is my life, I can barely manage to wash my hair without thinking to myself: I should have waited until tomorrow…

Washing my hair really sucks. It is getting so long that it gets everywhere and when I don’t brush it for 5 days nothing short of a rat falls out of it in the shower. I don’t see how I can lose that much hair and not be bald. The wonders of the human body. I’ve wanted to grow my hair long for a really long time and now it’s finally getting there and I just want to cut it, somedays I want to shave it, but I just have to realize that is my irrational side and I have to tell myself “now is not the time we make any big decisions Laycie, now is not the time.”

I visit with my therapist again tomorrow. I realize I never blogged about the first visit but it was nothing amazing since it was basically just her getting to know me and we didn’t even get to the part of my life where my brother dies because my mom is a drug addicted loser. She asked me lots of questions, the first one being “tell me about yourself”. I drew a blank. I don’t know who I am right now, I replied: um, I like to sew? I should have just said: “What is, I like to sew!” I didn’t cry which I can’t believe because I cry at everything right now. Every song and every movie gets me bawling in a matter of seconds.

I told her about the codepencency book I am reading and she asked me to highlight some things in it that I identify with so that she has a better idea of how I feel. Being the procrastinator I am I just got the book out and did it tonight.

The post I wrote below this makes me want to hurl. I don’t know who slipped the nyquil into my hummus but I am definitely having some issues with mood continuity in my life right now. I wanted to stop with the rambling 3am posts but I think I will stop myself when I feel super duper happy too.

I went out to Michael’s parents house christmas eve like we do every year. This is the first year that my mom has been explicitly uninvited and come christmas day the guilt set in and it caused me to make a phone call I may or may not regret down the road but it made me feel better that day and I don’t really know what more to do right now that just listen to my gut and my gut told me to make the call so it happened. I suck for not saying more but again, too much to say and I can’t find the words.

One specific thing I will tell you about though is the little pity party I had for myself christmas eve night. It all started at 10 pm. Michael’s sister got a call from someone who started to talk on the answering machine when no one picked up and since Michael’s parents are the last people in the universe that still have a landline with an old answering machine hooked up to it we all got to hear what the girl was saying. She was calling Angie for help and in the middle of her message Angie ran out to get the phone.

A few minutes later I go out to the car with Kendel to get my other sister Katie’s bag and Kendel tells me that hearing that call almost made her cry and that she is so proud of Angie for getting clean and now helping other people do the same. “I’m really just so proud of her… I’m going to tell her tonight” Kendel said as we walked back into the house.

Yeah I think it’s great people get clean, I think it’s great people help other people but all I could think is what do I have to do for her to feel the same about me? Will she ever? Have I even done anything anyone can be proud of? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but I can’t help but feel like the only people who get praise and pats on the back are the ones who hit the bottom and manage to get their heads above water again. Well, what about the ones who tread and tread until their legs feel numb? That shit is hard too.

Whenever things like this run through my head I seriously wonder if all that time alone in my room, time that could have been part of a rebellion gone unnoticed, time spent avoiding the things I thought were bad, if all that time was pointless. Am I any better for it right now? I certainly don’t have more friends because of it.

Sometimes I think I should have just fucked up as bad as possible and then straightened myself out later, so people would look at me and say “look how far she’s come”. I don’t think anyone ever looks at me and says “look at every hole she managed not to fall into”. I couldn’t though, I was too busy worrying about too many things to just run off and be selfish.

It wasn’t easy for me to “just say no”. Just saying no got me nothing but weird looks, questions and lots of nights alone in my room listening to the radio and organizing my closet. People couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do this or that. I don’t even want to talk about how many times my denying a cigarette had to be followed with the story of my grandpa and his emphysema.

I’m proud of myself and most of the time I don’t care that my parents never noticed I had to TRY to be straight but sometimes that little feeling creeps up inside me, the one that wants nothing more than for someone to give me a hug and tell me they are proud of me for being strong and going against the grain of the fabric from which I was cut. Even as I write this I realize I don’t give a shit if anyone cares but it’s just one of those annoying little things that pops up every now and then, I bet you know what I mean. Anyway I’m tired and not sure if I am even making any sense but in foxygreen spirit this shit is getting posted fools :)

and just so you know, I mean I’m sure I don’t have to say it but I’ll say it anyway: I really don’t sit here typing these posts just so that you will sit over there reading them and feel sorry for me. I could if I wanted that, but I don’t. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I’m just sharing here, sharing this time that I am going through so that maybe someone out there can find my words and feel less alone. To the people who know me, I just want you to know me better and sometimes I feel like sharing the things you are too scared to ask me. Don’t be scared though, I’m not.

The internet at my house has been so freaking slow lately. I am going to cancel it tomorrow, I keep forgetting to call Comcast, but just like I say about running, tomorrow is definitely the day. I have free wireless at the work studio so I can just print my shipping labels there since that’s all I really need the internet for anyway, plus I get internet on my phone too so I’ll be good.

The therapist called me today. Her name is Denise and she sounded really nice and down to earth on the phone. I have an appointment scheduled with her on Friday at 11:30, I can’t wait to see how it goes. I can’t believe I am finally doing this, yaay me!

Kendel and I ran errands all day, she got a cute outfit and shoes for her interview tomorrow, I’m excited for her. I woke up late today but surprisingly enough I am actually tired right now and it’s only just after 11. I think I will try to hit the hay early and wake up before most people are already done eating lunch.

Another fun tidbit, I have written in my journal every night now for about 2 weeks. I used to write in my journal every night and getting back into it is really fun.

I had a really great day today! I finally feel like I’m taking the wheel and steering this boat around the icebergs instead of into them.

I arranged a phone consultation with a Therapist so I hope she calls me today. (I’m saying today because it’s 3am, yikes). I’m not looking forward to talking to a stranger, I much prefer people I know but I guess its good for someone that doesn’t know you at all to give you their take on what you say. I was just sitting here tonight thinking about how badly I need to do this, sort through all my shit and say some stuff out loud.

It’s so weird how you can think something in your head but the minute you say it out loud, in words, to another person, it just becomes real. Like you said it so you have to accept it. It’s happened to me so I know what I’m talking about but maybe you don’t.

I never imagined being where I am today. In such a state of, I don’t know, uncertainty. I am unsure about every freaking thing in my life, I don’t know if cake is really my favorite thing to eat, I just eat it today because I ate it yesterday. If someone cracked my head open they would just see a bright green question mark sitting in there.

I remember feeling sure of things before, even if they weren’t the right things or the things that would make me happy, I in some way managed to be sure of them. Then I became unsure. I didn’t know if I was happy, I didn’t know if I had made the right choices, I didn’t know if my entire life had been wasted. I just want to feel like I am living and I want to feel completely sure and confident in something, anything. I want to be sure of many things but at this point I would settle for just one thing, just one thing to give me some sort of hope that other things will follow.

I’ve been thinking about the word hope a lot lately. I used to hope this and hope that, it never got me anything but grief. I think I have hoped myself out. Somewhere inside of me this little robot flipped a switch and made me see that hope wont get me anywhere, I just have to start doing shit and make things happen. I can’t just hope things will fall into the places I want them to, I have to get off my ass, pick them up and put those things where I want them.

It’s a weird thing to to say you don’t want to rely on anyone, but I don’t. When I rely on people I only get let down and I am done putting myself into positions that keep getting me kicked in the nuts. I don’t want to count on anyone, have hope for anyone or expect anything of anyone because this all just hurts me. I want to be in a place where I can just let people be and take the good when it comes but not let the bad affect me as much as I do.

I have a hard time focusing on myself because I think there are so many things I don’t like. If I am focusing on this person or that person then I don’t have to think about my own flaws, of which there are many. I have realized SO many things this past year and for that I am really happy but at the same time I am sad that I was in denial about so much for so long. Life hurts and denial helps us get through until we have time to deal. The thing is, my denial lasted WAY too long and when the time came for me to deal it was just too damn much and smoke starting coming out of my ears.

In this codependency book I’m reading it says several times that you get to a point where you think you are crazy. Like really crazy. I got to that point, I still feel like I’m there sometimes. It’s a scary thing to feel like you are losing your mind.

I know that I haven’t lost my mind , it’s more like I got control of my mind but the last president just did a really bad job and left a huge mess for me to sort through. I have a hard time dealing with things, I like to live in a happy little wonderful world and I do anything in my power to make myself believe that’s what I live in. I can live in a happy little world but I have to make it that way and not just pretend that it’s that way.

I really truly don’t want to have to go talk to someone but I know I have to. I am never going to have a chance at any happiness if I don’t. For months I have been telling myself if I do this and this and that then this will work out and that will get better and blah blah blah. I haven’t done anything and even if I had it would all have been some sad attempt to just pretend my problems weren’t there because even though I realize what all my bad behaviors are, I still do them. I do them consciously knowing they are bad and then I beat myself up for the rest of the day. I may be alone most of the time but I’m in an abusive relationship with myself. It sucks ass.

I feel like I have so much to offer, but I’m too scared. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to talk to people I don’t know, I’m scared of being around a lot of people, I’m scared of being the next person on Oprah who is bed ridden because she’s so fat, I’m scared I will keep being untrue to myself, I’m scared one day I will be looking death in the face and feel like my whole life was a waste. It makes me so sad to feel this way but it’s the truth. I’m too fucking scared to live my life. I’m scared of rejection, failure, not being good enough, the whole lot. I’m afraid of everything except my cats.

Lately I have been making a huge effort to talk to people, like cashiers at the grocery store and stuff, and it gets easier with practice. I constantly have things pop into my head that I want to say or ask people but I don’t. Now I am trying to just say them and it feels nice.

I go to Safeway A LOT (I think I spend half a billion dollars there a month) and the other night when I was in there I went to this girl who has checked me out a kazillion times and I noticed she had dyed her hair so I told her I liked it and started a whole conversation with her. I was one of those people who was still talking even after I got my receipt. That day Laycie was so proud of herself.

I’m proud of myself every now and then but it’s almost immediately canceled out by something I’m mad at myself for. It’s frustrating. I want to feel confident again, I want to feel like I know what I want. I want to quit writing these long pathetic blubbering blog posts and get back to telling you how happy I am to visit the goats on my 15 mile run. I want to get over this shit. So, while I am scared shitless and absolutely am not excited to go see a therapist I am proud of myself for deciding to let someone throw me a rope so I can climb out of this deep dark hole. I hope I’m strong enough to climb.

ps Kendel has an interview at Sears on Tuesday, yaay!

I have talked to a few people before about wanting to adopt kids and I know I’ve wrote about it here before but there is still this one little thing I don’t get, how do people honestly think they couldn’t love someone else’s baby as much as one that came out of their own vajayjay? Ellie isn’t mine but I’ll be god damned if I could ever love anything more than I love her.

I loved her the minute she popped into this world and I have only loved her more each day. When she looks at me and smiles my heart hurts and I just feel like crying because she is so precious. Yeah it may sounds cheesy but it’s the truth, Laycie’s a cheesball.

Today I was dancing for her and she started laughing. LAUGHING! she has made tiny giggles here and there that you miss if you blink but today it was full on laughing and it made me feel like I was a freaking superhero. Kendel was super jealous, told me she’d been trying to make her laugh all afternoon. Finally Ellie realizes her aunty Laycie needs to feel special. I made the baby LAUGH!

Like I said, she’s not my baby. I don’t sleep with her, I don’t get up in the middle of the night and make her bottles but I will always be her to do a funny dance and make her laugh. I’m going to be the amazing aunty Laycie. :)

Sometimes I go to the store and I buy root beer in a glass bottle because I want to feel special. It tastes really good but I enjoy the bottle more than the beverage. Don’t get me wrong, root beer is my favorite.

Sometimes I go to the store and I buy a single slice of cake because I want to be happy. Every bite is like a happiness explosion but when it’s all gone, it’s all gone. Frosting is the best invention!

Sometimes I go to the store and I buy a cucumber because its green and tastes good dipped in hummus. When the cucumber is gone I am sad that I didn’t buy some cake for dessert.

Sometimes I don’t go to the store and I just eat what’s in the cupboards. One day I found an Odwalla bar and it was like I had won the lottery. After I ate it I just wanted to go to the store and buy cake.

Sometimes I go to the store and buy an entire birthday cake off the day old rack for like $5. Sometimes I buy them and sometimes all I eat is cake for days. I’m not sure how good all this sugar is for my brain but at least there is that one day every few weeks when I buy a cucumber. :)

I’m sitting here right now with mascara on my face, not because I am a bad make-up applier but because I just read this blog post from my favorite blogger and it made me cry, and cry and cry. Even though I write a lot of crap here I am always holding back. I’m trying my hardest to get through this depression on my own but in all honesty I am failing.

I stopped taking my Wellbutrin like 2 or 3 weeks ago (I’m not really keeping track of time so well lately) because I started feeling like I had drank 12 pots of coffee and hadn’t slept in weeks. I didn’t feel “right”. I’m not even sure what right feels like anymore but I didn’t feel good.

I know deep down inside that I need to go to therapy but in my little dreamland where the streets are lined with cupcakes and fat is the new thin, I tell myself I can get over it without help. The truth is that I cannot. I know I need help but a small part of me feels like reaching out for help is the same as putting a big neon sign on my back that reads: yeah I can’t do it on my own and even if I get better it isn’t because I’m strong…

I know it takes courage to ask for help and to actually get up, change your underwear and go receive said help but I put myself on a level different from everyone else in the world. I am supposed to be a super hero, I need no help, I can do it all myself… but I can’t.

I just want to shake this shitty-ness off like I’m a dog who just jumped out of the Willamette River. It just feels like I came to too many realizations at once and I’m operating on overload. Half my time is spent staring at walls because I have no idea what to do. I can’t sleep, I never want to get up, I am genuinely unhappy with everything in my life. Even things I see as good, they aren’t good enough. I am never happy with myself about anything.

After I read that post on Dooce I left her a comment, sat here for a minute staring at the wall and then decided “Fuck it.” You can hear something a bunch of times but there has to be something just right in the world for it to click and it finally clicked for me. I’m throwing in the towel, I can’t do this shit on my own, I am going to get some serious help tomorrow and I am going to get through this. The only way out of anything is through it and I see that now.