There is one blog that I check everyday. I like this blog because the woman seems to be a bit like me. I know normally people don’t really like people who are just like them but she is just different enough for me to love her. Anyway, she just blogs about her life and stuff. Every once in awhile she writes pretty personal things, as I myself have come to do, and I admire her for it. She mixes it up, which is just what life is anyway; happiness, madness and sadness just coming and going whenever they please.

Most of my posts are totally spur of the moment, I sit down and just write about the first thing that pops into my head. The posts I write at night are often a lot different from the things I write in the middle of the day. Sometimes I write things and then wake up the next day and re-read my post and wonder why the hell I get so damn weird at night, but I don’t delete. I have deleted but only 2 or 3 posts at the most. Sometimes I write, click save, then forget about it.

Truthfully though, I love blogging. I love being able to write stuff and know that someone is going to read it and have an opinion or learn that there is more to me than my amazing ability to drive dumpy cars. It’s a daily show and tell, a peak into my life and my head. There are times when I don’t love blogging, the times when I have something major going on in my head but I’m not sure how to start talking about it.

I have several posts that are just diarrhea of the mouth, get this crap off my chest kind of posts but they are always the most difficult to share. Most of the time I force myself to hit publish. I have to remind myself that I started this blog so I could share stuff and get over my fear of being judged. There are certain topics I will probably never discuss because even though I am choosing to let people into my life a little bit I kind of want to still make sure there are some things that are just mine, or mine and my family’s.

As you can probably sense there is something going on in my life that I want to share but am having a hard time coming up with the words that seem right and won’t hurt anyone. Actually, I’m not sure that I want to share it but it’s just so major that to not talk about it is ridiculous.

Earlier this week I called someone to set up an appointment to see something, I’ll tell you about it later, but I sat on my bed for 30 minutes with the phone in my hand before I made the call. Thirty minutes. I do things like this because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing, sounding dumb or having someone thinking I am stupid or whatever. It’s a huge problem I have and at times it is actually so crippling that I avoid putting myself out there at all and I miss out on things that would probably end up making me really happy.

I’ve decided to share my issues along with my struggle to overcome them and become a better, stronger and wiser person. This has been the hardest, most painful and life draining year of my entire life and the fact that my brain hasn’t yet figured out how to escape my skull amazes me. I have the hardest time explaining how I feel right now but the one thing I can tell you with no problem is that I will persevere. You’re going to hate me for not sharing it right now (it’s 3am for chrissake!) but please don’t leave me a lame comment telling me I suck. This is what I do. This is the 30-minutes before I dial your phone number…

I’ve had my iPhone for almost 4 months now and while I might not be using it to the most of its capabilities, I am using it and for the most part it is the best thing I have ever laid my hands on. I am however VERY disappointed and frustrated almost daily by AT&T as my service provider.

My first cell phone was with T-Mobile and they always did right by me so I never had a reason to switch carriers. I always had perfect crystal clear reception or just none at all. Yeah I wished at times there was better coverage but it wasn’t that much of an inconvenience for me. It was worth it to know if I had service it was going to be good service.

AT&T however is a whole ‘nother story. I get reception almost everywhere BUT it pretty much always sucks. I have a very low percentage of crystal clearness and it’s bumming me out hardcore. I have dropped calls ALL the time, something I NEVER had with T-Mobile, ever. Another thing, I pretty much know like two people who have AT&T and I know a zillion people (translation: all my friends) that have T-Mobile, needless to say my free mobile to mobile minutes have been sadly underused and my other minutes have been grossly overused.

When I was on T-Mobile I had an 800 minute family plan and never even used close to half the minutes. This made me think that sharing a 700 minute plan would be cake, I was wrong and went over my minutes big time. When I called AT&T I was spoken to as if I was slow in the head. Yes mean AT&T lady, I understand I can check my minutes anytime, I understand my plan is only 700 minutes and I understand that just a few months into AT&T I have already had more problems than in my 5 years with T-Mobile. So I hate AT&T.

As far as issues with the actual Apple iPhone itself, I haven’t had many. I do wish the speaker phone was louder and that Safari (the web browser) wouldn’t constantly quit on me. I also wish I didn’t have a scratch on my screen but that is my fault after all. Other than that I am in love and really couldn’t imagine my life without the iPhone.

I use my computer about 95% less now and my internet browsing is much more focused. ALSO, my YouTube video watching has dramatically decreased even though it’s built right in. My newest addiction is constantly checking the free category on Craigslist.

If I could have the iPhone with T-Mobile service I would be in heaven. I miss T-Mobile…a lot.

Okay so I told you all about that car I have. Well I decided to give it another chance at a life with me. This decision came about mostly because I had no other choice, being at home without a car is the worst kind of suck the suck fairy can bring. So yesterday Kendel and I vacuumed it out, taped a new piece of vinyl over the broken out window and then drove it around the ‘hood to be sure it was good to go.

It passed our 20 block test drive which was really just a circle ’round and ’round our house. We then drove it to Panda Express for some Chinese food to go and it didn’t die in the drive thru line so that told me it would do right by me. I mean, if it was going to screw with me it would have died right there because how much more embarrassing does it get, having to push your car through a drive through. Maybe pushing your car through a car wash, I don’t know.

As I said before this car doesn’t have a heater. Well this morning Kendel had a dentist appointment at 7:45 and since the sun was not out long enough to defrost the car I had to take my portable oil heater and put it on the floor in the backseat. I left it out there for an hour and it got the job done. I pride myself on my cleverness.

The whole driving to the dentist at an hour which neither of us is usually awake thing was kind of sketchy because we can’t drive this P.O.S. in the dark since there are no taillights. Once again, good fortune was on our side, it started getting light at about 7:10 and was fully light at 7:30 when we took off.

Kendel had some serious crap done to one of her molars so we dropped her pain medication prescription off at the Walgreens right by our house and then went home to watch Friends. Yeah we have been watching Friends non stop for like a week now, it never gets old. Kendel passed out on the couch and then around 12 we went and got her prescription and a nice late breakfast of Taco Bell. Yeah we watch Friends and ride the healthy food train. what-what.

Kendel and I decided today that we ARE NOT in fact morning people. We aren’t anything even close to morning people. Even if I get plenty of sleep there is just something that happens to me when I wake up and it’s still dark outside. I end up feeling ill all day and also enjoy a massive headache. Yeah, for me 9 is a good time to get up, 6 is just crazy time.

After a few more hours of sitting on the couch watching our Friends live their lives while ours passed us by we decided to spend our last $25 on the third season of Friends. I KNOW! The story just keeps getting crazier! I imagine that right now as you read this you are wondering what insanity is going to pop up next in this text, and because of that I will give you this: We put our jeans on, and that means a lot because we are rocking the sweat pants something hardcore over here, and we drove the P.O.S. to FredMeyer just to buy our beloved show. We got york peppermint patties too, YUM.

This little excursion kind of woke us up. We did feel a bit guilty for not getting out and enjoying the amazing weather we had today, but not that guilty. Kendel had the bright idea to check what light bulbs we needed to get so our taillights would work and so when we got back home we did just that. Kendel showed me how to get to the bulbs, yeah I’m not car-smart, and they didn’t look blown so we were trying to make sure that we were turning the lights on. We turned knobs and pulled levers and nothing turned the headlights and the taillights on at the same time. Then, THEN!, we flip this switch that is below the steering wheel that is simply marked on/off. Well this little handy dandy makes no fucking sense to me switch is the magic switch that turns the taillights on and transforms the car into the catmobile. okay, just kidding about the second thing, but WE HAVE LIGHTS!

Imagine that, a separate switch for the taillights. Either I have not driven enough older cars or this car is jimmy jacked and slapped with the ghetto stick. So the day ends with the car turning out to be a little better than we thought (just needs a window and a heater!), Ellie shitting all over my hand, and season 3 of Friends is halfway done.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder how I got to be where I am. How did all the events of my world line up so that right now at this moment I am sitting on a bright red couch with three cats at my feet participating in Lick-My-Ass Fest 2007. Its weird when you actually think about things like that, that where you are is just the culmination of everything you have done up to this point.

It’s like in those movies (yeah, those movies) where they go back in the past and they have to be sure not to change anything because even the tiniest thing could impact the entire outcome of the future. Sometimes I wonder if I had made small choices here or there might I be in a better position right at this very moment? Might I not know what it is to be depressed? Might I be… wait for it…happy?

What is happy anyway? Is it having everything you want? Can you ever have everything you want, wont there always be new things to catch your eye? Maybe happiness is as simple as having a bunch of people in your life who you can talk to and share experiences with and pretty much just have a good time no matter what kind of shit might creep up into the tree that is your life. Maybe being happy is as simple as knowing there isn’t really going to ever be a time in your life when you sit back and say: “well, here it is, I am happy”. If that point did come around I would think that I might just feel like there was no point to living anymore because where can life go from there, can I get more happier?

I ponder what my life would be like if I had stayed in Portland with my mom instead of moving to bitch-ville USA with my dad, but then I just feel like an idiot. I can sit around all day wondering where I could have been or I can get off my ass and go somewhere. Sometimes knowing that I have all the power to make my life whatever I want it to be just pisses me off.

I do think about the way things have shaped me as a person. I have a pretty good ability to pin point when and from whom I absorbed certain qualities that I would like to cut out of myself with a rusty knife, such as my ever present urge to correct peoples mistakes constantly. It is a pretty good skill for certain professions, but for me being able to hone in on every mistake and flaw within my view is more of a burden than a blessing.

I got that amazing correct everyone and everything super power from my dad. Yeah, he kinda started in on me when I was 11 and just like a child that gets beat and then ends up beating their own kids (probably will be me too) I am the child that was constantly corrected and now can’t control the beast inside of her that just wants to point out how dumb everyone else is so she can feel like a smart know-it-all. It’s funny too because I consider myself to be rather dumb about many topics but that never stops me. You don’t even want to know how much it offends me when I see a sign like: Free Flower’s. um, no. The fact that something like that can have the ability drive me nuts just makes me crazy. But I can’t turn it off. I don’t want these little ridiculous things to drive me to insanity but i can’t seem to do anything about it. There is no 12 step program for shaking this habit.

The thing is that I think I know what all my bad habits are. I know that picking out errors in everything isn’t an admirable quality but rather one that can make people hate me and even cause them to think about doing things like pushing me down flights of stairs just to see if I will criticize them on the way they did it. I know what things suck about myself, and I envy people who don’t seem to know that their behavior is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Oh how I would love to live in the world of obliviousness to myself, my bad character traits and just about everyone else around me.

Though most of my evil super hero (isn’t that a villain) powers don’t work at the moment because my brain happens to be completely full and boiling over with thoughts that are burning my whole body, it doesn’t mean they aren’t in there knocking around. I have a multitude of abilities that annoy me but some are also useful at times. I am very detail oriented, I love puzzles and I dream about being a private detective. Seriously, I am a sneaky sucker when I need to be. If my parents had only known…

Another issue I have with life is the whole “I want my mommy” thing. I am a girl but I know you boys do it too, cry out for your mommy when you feel helpless and in need. I probably wouldn’t have an issue with it if I could call out for my mommy and she would come but sometimes I just get this urge to call out for my mommy. I haven’t wanted my mommy for a long time but some days I just wish I could curl up in a ball and that she would come sit by me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

The last time I remember wanting my mom was this one night when I got super sick. I started feeling sick at work but I had to walk home because it was too late for the city bus. When I got home there were a bunch of people I didn’t know in the living room so I just went and laid down in my room. Within a few minutes I had a mess on the floor next to me and I screamed out for my mom. She came and stayed with me for a few minutes, put something by my bed to catch the life that was leaving my body, but then went back to the living room.

I dry heaved for hours, truly thought I was dying and I wondered why she left me. I couldn’t stop getting sick so I cried out for her to come back but some person I didn’t know opened my door, turned on my light and told me my mom had left the house. They turned my light back out, shut my door and that was that. I have never been as sick as I was that night and I have never forgave my mom for not laying beside me, being my mother, and reassuring me that I was in fact most likely not going to die because I ate a dozen cornbread muffins and then barfed them all up.

I imagine that having parents you can fall back on, that you can depend on is a great thing but in reality not having them there kind of forces you to be stronger and take care of your own shit. After that night I didn’t feel like a kid anymore, I felt like my mom wouldn’t have left Katie or Kendel in that situation but for some reason she had no problem leaving me so maybe she just thought I didn’t need her, I wish that she knew I did.

I sleep while listening to a recording every night that repeats over and over again I will not blog at night, I will not blog at night but I think I need a refund because it ain’t workin’. If you read all this I love you, and if not FTW.

Green may be my favorite color but loving green and being green are two different things. I take full advantage of my free curb side recycling and I don’t leave the water running when I brush my teeth but I know I could be doing a lot more in terms of being green and living an environmentally friendly life.

I try to make smart choices, like choosing paper over plastic, but a lot of the time my mind just isn’t really set to think in a green way. I throw away ziploc bags that I could easily rinse and re-use, I use way too much water when I hand wash my dishes, and sometimes I am too lazy to rinse out things that are recyclable so I throw them away. All these little things add up and they are all worth thinking about and doing better.

It takes time to think about what you’re doing and read a few more labels but being earth friendly is just being smart. Some things I do just to save money but they are actually green things. Shopping at thrift stores and garage sales is a green thing to do because you are recycling other peoples stuff instead of buying new and increasing the demand for items that are probably not made in an earth friendly way.

It’s also very green to adopt your pets from an animal shelter, or just take in strays like me. Being that I am a crazy cat lady my pets are actually a big part of my life where I can start incorporating some green practices. Tree Hugger has many useful tips on how to be a green pet owner. Though I can’t keep my pets indoors (they’d scratch my eyeballs out) to protect the native wildlife population, I can use earth friendly cat litter.

Actually, I was already using an earth friendly cat litter, Cat’s Pride Scoopable, without knowing it. I started using it because it was flushable but now that I find out I was being green before I even knew what it was to be green I can sit here feeling less bad about the water I used to waste while brushing my teeth.

Tree Hugger also has some information on why you should feed your pets organic natural food over other choices. I have fed my cats the same food for a very long time but next time I go stock up I am going to check into some other choices that are better for my pets AND the environment. I figure that little by little I can become a better inhabitant of this little earth we call home.

So, are you green? A slight shade of green? If so maybe you’d like to share some of the things you do so we can all be a little greener at the end of today.

This post is my attempt at being a part of Blog Action Day.

Today I ran the Columbia Crossing 10K and it killed me. I am so out of shape that I literally died. I thought I was going to have a heart attack at the end and I have been sick all day with a headache and flu-like symptoms. yeeeeeeah someone should train a little better before signing up for a run, der. I’m glad I did it though because I got to see my time go from 58 minutes to 78 minutes, that’s awesomeness right there.

I’m such a complainer that I was annoying even myself. The whole run I just kept telling Rhianna how much I was dying and that I was going to puke on this person or that person. All the complaining kept me going though. As long as I’m running my mouth everything seems to work out okay. I think Rhianna pondered pushing me off the bridge on more than one occasion.

It was really just about the worst experience I could have had for a race. The route was awesome but nothing about my running it was awesome. Here’s where things get real so if you can’t handle it you just better get outta here. So… I have difficulties going to “the bathroom” (yeah not talking ’bout takin’ pees here) when I’m not at home and since I couldn’t make it happen in the hotel before we left I think that’s where the nausea came from. Trust me, I tried and tried to take care of the issue but for some reason something more powerful and all knowing than myself decided I was going to suffer for 6.2 miles and that wasn’t even enough so then it turned into the rest of the day.

After the race we decided to go to eat at the Astoria Pig n Pancake. I tried to take care of business there, twice, and no go… though something rather interesting did happen to me while I was hanging out in the restroom of this super busy restaurant…

Okay, so I’m sitting on the toilet trying to meditate and relax myself or some shit and this lady comes in and goes into the stall next to me. I don’t know if I was being such a good meditator or what but I am pretty sure she didn’t know the stall next to her was occupied by a girl with a great smile and some horrible nausea. The events that follow are pretty intense.

The lady sits on the toilet. She breathes out a breath of relief and then, and then
, get this… she says oh yeah… oh yeah
while peeing and If I didn’t know better I would have thought she was masturbating or something. After the best pee of her life she is still making all kinds of sighs and moans then she lets off a huge gigantic fart that bounced around in the toilet for awhile before it died off. The lady then left the stall, washed her hands and left me sitting there wishing I could have anything even remotely close to as good of an experience as she just had.

After eating we drove back home to Salem and I slept almost the entire time. I felt bad for Michael because he was tired too and I didn’t offer to drive but I figured I was sick so I could be a baby. When we got home the cats greeted us and I saw fur balls in the beds I made for them outside so I was pretty happy. I normally go to all this trouble to make little luxury beds for them and they turn their nose up at them. This time I threw a towel into a box laying on its side and a pillow case into another box and for some reason this did the trick. Spunky and Peanutbutter liked the beds so much that they were even chilling in them after we got home. The scary thing was that Peanut was in the box and Spunky was on the top which meant that at any minute there could have been a collapse and I would have had to save Peanut from the rubble.

I finally bought my cats some Advantage on eBay tonight, that other shitty ass flea medicine I got didn’t work worth a crap so the cats are all having panic attacks pretty much. Advantage is the dope bomb and I will never again veer from its greatness.

I also thought about dropping the class I’m taking that I thought would be good to freshen up on and also get me out of bed in the morning. I just don’t feel like I am mentally prepared to have homework again just yet. Looking at the book alone makes my head hurt and I am already stressing over way too much to be having this crap to send me over the top. Yeah, so I will decide for sure what I am doing tomorrow. The lame thing is that since I only have one class I have to withdraw from school to drop it, then apply for re-admission so I could register for next term. Weird and confusing.

That my friends was the day that was my Sunday. All kinds of amazingness, I wasn’t sure if you could handle it but I decided I would let you be the judge of that.

I’m over in seaside right now and I should be going to sleep or something but i decided since I didn’t really train for this race we’re doing tomorrow why bother making sure i get enough sleep. I am proud of myself though for doing this and the shirt is actually pretty cool.

I’m sharing a hotel room with Michael, Rhianna, Kendel & the baby. I think she’s going to be “the baby” until she can talk and tells me that she prefers to be called Elianna. Speaking of Ellie she’s on my lap taking a majorly loud crap which is always awesome. I just hope it all stays in her diaper this time.

This post has been brought to you by the iphone, america’s #1 way to blow money out your ass and motel 6, where you go when you want to try your luck at getting a bed without body fluid stains. Peace out foxygreeners!

I want my hair to be hot pink.

I want to eat an entire cheesecake.

I want to bask in the sun.

I want to be a clothes whore.

I want to have every shade of M.A.C. eyeshadow.

I want Blacky to come back.

I want my sister’s baby to stop crying.

I want to have something funny to write about.

I want to be inspired.

I want someone to make it all better.

I want to live up to my potential.

I want to do the hard things.

I want to be the better person.

I want to feel the pain of a tattoo.

I want to be outgoing.

I want to have fun.

I want to go to bed.

‘night!