My friend Lisa, who i must say was looking incredibly adorable today, had a birthday party tonight and everyone went bowling. I have since decided that all birthdays should be bowling birthdays. I pretty much suck at it but bowling with a big group is pretty dope.

Speaking of birthdays, I have also decided I am not having anymore for awhile. I will remain 27 and then in about 10 years when I resume my birthdays I will admit only to being 28. I’m not really that vain but seriously I am done getting older.

So in today’s news my cute cat Badger killed a squirrel and left it in front of the door for me because he loves me so much he thought I might want a little snack or something. If he really loved me though he would have been listening to me and taken notes on one if the many occasions I have stood at the window watching the cute little squirrels run accross the power lines and jump from the roof of one house to another.

In all actuality though the dead squirrel affected me a lot less than I would have thought being faced with a dead squirrel would have. I realize it’s just nature and it is what it is. I took it as an opportunity to see one up close and then let my boyfriend do the boyfriendly thing and get rid of the body. Just last week Badger killed a blue jay and then came in the house crying. Michael thinks he was sad he killed his friend, I think he was sad there were no more blue jays around to kill.

So, I was having a few good days and then this afternoon I got that “annoying, want to cry all day long for no apparent reason” feeling and it was really bummin me out. Maybe it’s just my period, maybe it’s just life, who the hell knows.

Tomorrow is Sunday and i plan on getting my sewing area all done. It’ll be a busy day but those are the best days for me. By the way, I am really excited about Halloween this year, not too sure why but I almost feel like I am 10 again and I am about to get a big pillow case of candy that I can hide under my bed and ration out to myself for weeks. Oh the simple days…

Everyone went to bed a bit ago but I was determined to find this song I heard on the radio the other day so I could download it. The thing is that I don’t know the name of it, just a few words. I know its from the eighties and thats about it. That’s something about listening to the radio that irks me, most often they never tell you what it is they are playing. Things like that, things that just make no sense at all, pretty much drive me crazy.

You would think that finding this long lost song would be impossible, but no, it was possible and only took about 30 minutes. I just launched iTunes and starting going through 80’s songs. I was pretty much in disbelief when I found it but this just lets me know that I can do anything I put my mind to. I can find obscure 80’s songs even if I just know one line of the lyrics. I wonder if I can make my own M&M’s, of course I can!

I’m sitting here having a bit of a hard time typing because I clipped a little warty thing off my finger by the side of my nail and it bled (which happens when I cut too deep) and so I had to put a band aid on that shit so I didn’t drip blood in the toilet while I sat there taking a pee because if I did that it would attract the sharks and they would bite me in the ass. I just cant be having that. What I can have though is a super awesome and happy colorful Care Bear band aid.

I love fun band aids. Sometimes I am so happy when I get a cut because I get to floss a dope band aid. I had these batman ones that lasted forever, because really I don’t cut myself too often, but they were so cool… yellow with black batman logos. Is this really all I have to talk about? Band aids? um, no.

I took my first dose of Wellbutrin today and it was way harder than I thought it would be. I have always had a certain feeling about medication that is actually designed to alter ones mood. I don’t categorize DayQuil or NyQuil in this group even though if you take enough NyQuil you get a bit happy.

I didn’t pickup my prescription until last night. It almost feels in a way like I am cheating my way out of this mess of depression, though I know I seriously just need to get the hell out of it no matter if I cheat a bit or not. I have a hard time explaining my reasons behind my aversion to medications and other things but it mostly just stems from seeing other people take stuff and not be normal, or my idea of normal. I was supposed to take the dose right when I woke up but I forgot and then while I drove home from class I remembered and then I wondered if I was going to let myself take it. I ended up taking it at about 10 though and I can’t expect anything to be different for like 2 weeks but the bottle says it can cause dizziness and I did notice a tiny bit of it while I was walking around but it was super minor and I think if the bottle hadn’t said that then I wouldn’t have even noticed.

I’ve been having a real good couple of days, I’m not sure if it’s the whole waking up in the morning like a real person thing or just the relief of knowing I took some steps to get some external help for my issues, but whatever it is I am pretty happy right now. I still can’t decide how to dye my hair or whether I want to cut it or not (the long hairs all over the house and all over myself are driving me bananas!) but I’m sure I’ll make a choice soon enough and then regret it the next day as usual :)

I’m working on getting my sewing area set up and I decided to make a shelf on the wall that is up high and over the window but takes up the whole length of the wall. THEN after I decided to do this I actually took steps to get going on it. I cut wood and everything! Lately I have decided to do things but then just let that idea marinate in my head for awhile stinking up the rest of my ideas.

So, for these amazing shelves I am doing something that requires a 45 degree angle cut on the braces that will hold the shelf up and I was so overjoyed when I realized that the DeWalt saw we have does angles! I feel like a super hero with all these power tools. I am in love with using the saw and the drill now, I used to hate them because I was uncomfortable but now that I have used them a lot I think I pretty much rule and should go into business as a furniture builder.

Anyway, being that we live in this teeny tiny house I have to make all the space I can wherever I can so I will be sure to share my little projects with you so you can see that I am no longer being a lethargic mess, though things might be different tomorrow ;)

Oh yeah we started watching a new show called Damages tonight and it’s alright. we are only into it one episode so we’ll see. Californication on the other hand is totally wicked awesome (thanks s!) and it has my boyfriend from The X-Files in it! yaay!

To an outsider it might seem like my life is a little boring when I get home from school at 9:30 am because Kendel is still sleeping and no one else is home but things are actually rather exciting and eventful. From the minute I pull into the driveway I am swarmed by cats and I have zero complaints because all this animal loves makes me think I am some sort of nice person or something.

I get out of the car and as I am trying to unlock my front door, the lock sticks half the time, Spunky is down below crying and pushing on the door like why are you teasing me like this? I just want to get in there and eeeeeeeat! So I finally get it open and both Spunky and Badger squeeze through before I even open the door 8 inches wide.

I put my book and crap down on the table and go to take a pee when I have to fight Badger to stay off my lap and he instead decides to just jump onto my back and hold on like he’s some 3 year old getting a piggy back at the zoo. I’ve been to fatigued to clip his nails which I regret at this point but after my pee I peel him off my back and check for blood on my new shirt. No blood so I’m all good.

I go out to the kitchen to ponder my breakfast options when I have to repeatedly remove peanutbutter off the counter because she prefers fresh tap water to her bowl of water on the floor that only has a little bit of lint floating in it, jeez. I decide on a bowl of Golden Grahams which happens to be my #1 most favorite cereal in the universe! As I pour the milk into my bowl Spunky’s dairy product heat sensing sonar-radar-computer chip implant forces her to move in my direction. Spunky L-O-V-E-S milk, ice cream and yogurt, but nothing else we eat, just those three things. I move over to the couch to eat and try not to let any floating fur balls land in my bowl.

As I sit there eating I have to continually push Spunky away as she tries to dip her face in my cereal bowl while at the same time I try to keep Badger off my lap because cereal time just isn’t kitty on your lap time. As I eat Spunky sits on the coffee table in front of me and everytime she lifts her paw up, like shes going to reach out for my bowl I have to give her a little grunt that means don’t you do it. It’s all a big ordeal but after I finish my cereal I let Spunky drink some milk and I give Badger some love. As I get up to take my bowl to the sink Peanutbutter has already guessed my next move and she beats me there so I have to turn the faucet on ever so low and let her drink for a minute.

My cats have all these funny habits and I pretend I wish they didn’t but in reality if I didn’t have these cats my morning would have consisted of taking a pee and eating cereal and THAT is a really boring blog post.

So I went to the doctor today and she went over my blood work with me and I am as normal as normal can be so I decided that I would try out some medication for awhile. I am totally pretty much the kind of person that tries to do everything but medicate but I feel like in this case right now I need something to get me out of this hole before I can even start doing one of many other things that might help make me a happier person.

I was prescribed Wellbutrin because I guess its good for my kind of depression which is pretty much vegetative as the doctor called it. At first I was just going to try it out an not really tell anyone but I don’t know why I wouldn’t tell anyone, who cares. It doesn’t make me any less of a person just because I decide to look for help in a pill. The doctor told me that since my depression has been going for awhile now that this might help give me the boost I need to get back into some sort of normal daily life routines. So here’s to hoping there IS magic in pills!

I’m going to start counseling too and will be sure to share any enlightening things that come about through that. How’s that for taking some action?

Jeez it felt crazy to check my comments and see so many of them! It was way unexpected but much appreciated, thank you guys!!

First I would like to thank s. It is always nice to get feedback on things and that includes observations on my behavior. I know I always talk about how I don’t like school or my classes but a lot of the time I exaggerate things. Yeah it’s hard and sometimes a real drag but in reality being done with it will make me the happiest person ever! I have spent so much of my life in school and I just want to feel some sort of accomplishment with it. It’s kinda like running a marathon, at first it’s fun and exciting but then as the miles wear on you I’m in lots of pain. I want it to be over, I dream of hiding in a bush till everyone goes home but I don’t because all that pain would have got me nothing in the end, I keep trudging through so I finish the race and complete something I worked so hard for, even if it hurt me a little.

I would be much more unhappy if I quit school again, I had a lot of issues when I decided to stop going and I couldn’t get over them so I went back. What I want to do is find something in my area of study that really excites me (I was hoping just going to school for it would open up some ideas but it hasn’t) so I can do some learning on my own because I really think that is the only way I will get any kind of use out of my degree, no one is going to hire me just because I have it, I have to have skillz.

You are right too, I do put too much importance on running but I do it because I relate it to the last time I really felt good about life. When I was running I felt strong and was proud of myself for working so hard. I feel like if I can be a runner again I will feel that once again.

As far as other things I think I should be doing, I have a long list and I might as well share it because it’s not going to matter one way or another, if I chose to do something I chose to do it and if not then who cares maybe I missed out on seeing a good idea all the way though.

For one I have been telling myself I am going to get my sewing business back on its feet and bigger than it ever was but I just can’t seem to get it together. I also wanted to do a “how to” video series on youtube because I love doing projects and I also like to make videos. I also wanted to make a website for selling costumes and another one for selling unique clothing and other items I could make. Another thing I want to do is start drawing/painting because I used to love it but I haven’t done it in a million years. Sometimes I think of things I want to do but I dont talk about them because then I don’t want to feel dumb when I end up not doing them. I have so many ideas and when I say I should be doing so much it really means I should pick one of these ideas and do something with it. Sometimes small ideas turn into great happiness but in some ways I think i dont do anything because I am afraid of failing.

You are definitely right too that I am just one person and instead of wanting parts of myself to go away I should just let them be when they want to be. My issue is just with right now though, I have become OVERLY negative and it’s almost to the point where I do/say stuff that really just isn’t me. The negative part has become too big. I let my depression get too bad before I decided to really take action and deal with it but now that I am I hope all the Laycie’s, happy and sad, will find their place inside of me and then sit the hell down so I can get back to teaching class.

Now to Amber. I completely agree with you. I know I owe my mom nothing and I feel like I am taking all appropriate steps to cut her out except changing my phone number which is probably something I should do. It’s just hard the first time you do anything and I for the first time told my mom with my own voice that I pretty much was done giving a shit about her and that I wanted her to leave me alone. As far as parents go I think some people are dealt a hand that is meant to be folded and I can now say mine is completely folded. Thanks for backing up the things I need to do though, it always feels better to know that several people agree with you and even push you to go further with any actions you want to take in life.

When people tell me things and try to give me advice I always think about what they tell me and I really do try to look at myself from the outside. I appreciate you guys for taking the time to leave me comments and for caring enough to say something .

It’s hard to believe but this month is the 2 year anniversary of foxygreen. When I first started this blog I was a happy little girl training for a marathon. Since then I have become nothing short of a monster blogger blogging about anything and mostly everything and letting my true ranting and raving colors show.

I love this blog like a child though I would more like to think of it as my alter-ego. A place where I can do and say pretty much anything and in a way feel like it is separate from me even though it is just really me and my worst and best on any given day.

My earlier posts are so abundant with happy ramblings about running and I hope someday those will return. Every now and then I go back and read an old post for kicks, kind of like a where was I a year ago thing and sometimes the posts suck but often times I am surprised at myself because I think I am pretty fucking funny. Hey, my head is already big, I can’t make it any bigger ;)

It’s weird how different things can be as time goes on, sometimes you think things will pretty much be the same forever but then you go crazy and you think that they might be different, or that they must be different. I think life is all about change and I hope to change for the better in my life but all I have changed in this past year it seems is for the worse. I just feel so negative all the time and not just like a funny haha for jokes kinda negative, but a seriously bad negative that makes me feel like a bad/mean person.

I can embrace crazy and indecisive and dissatisfied but I will not embrace super negative mean angry Laycie. I also don’t like overly sensitive, cry when I kill a spider, Laycie. I pretty much hate everything I have to say right now and I hate re-reading my blog posts for errors because it just makes me really take a look at myself and my words but at the same time no matter how many times I delete everything and start over most of my posts just end up the same.

I don’t like the fact that I don’t really want to run or eat right. It’s like I am so mad at myself I can’t let myself do anything good. It’s like mean Laycie is trapping good Laycie inside and wont let her do what she needs to. Nice Laycie wants to come out and play, she really really does but mean Laycie is a horrible bitch and she’s a little crazy so nice Laycie just lets her take control and be the boss but at the same time nice Laycie is mad at herself for not taking control and its just this big cycle of confusion that ends with me eating and watching everyone else run.

I seriously feel like I am crazy most days. I try so hard to do things but it’s like this little thing called passion was stolen from me and I just really feel no great need to do anything but veg out. I should be doing things but I dont know what so I watch movies and sleep and eat and throw pity parties for myself but I only invite myself so its really boring and no one is aware of how awful I am at throwing a party.

Every now and then I can force myself to go out and do something but when I hang out with people I feel like I talk way too much and I scare them into thinking that I really am insane and that maybe I wasn’t kidding around on my blog. The thing is that I am the one making myself crazy.

That is the most annoying part, knowing that I can fix all my own problems if I want to but I just don’t. It’s like I think I deserve to be miserable. I really don’t though, maybe deep down I do but on the surface I don’t. I think anyone that has a psycho mother has the right to live a super duper ridiculously happy life. but me, no, I just torture myself and actually feel guilt when I am mean to my mom.

My mom is more like a villain to my superhero (yes, I am actually a super hero, you will see soon enough) than any sort of parent. She is the number one bad person in my life and has probably, no definitely, hurt me more than anyone but yet I feel bad for being slightly mean to her. I mean I suppose it is nature that you are supposed to love your mother but I really don’t love mine anymore. The love went out with the trash last month and even though the bag had been sitting outside for years, just in case I felt the need to bring it back in, I finally put it out on the street to get picked up. There is no getting the love back now, it’s at the dump laying next to some kids Barbie collection from the 80’s. Don’t people know they can sell that stuff on eBay!?!? sheesh. It may seem harsh for me to say that about my mom but I think most people would have pushed her out in front of a city bus by now if she was their mother.

I know I say this like every day (maybe just to myself) but this is seriously the last time I am going to say it because this time I am really going to do it. I am going to stop being crazy, I am going to start doing the hard things I am afraid of and I am going to start taking some chances with myself so I can find some sort of solution to my infinite sadness. My friend Rhianna and I are going to do a 6 mile race with Michael, Marlee and Justin in 2.5 weeks so I’m gonna get out there running and then we are going to start training for our next marathon and I know that will do a lot for me. Besides that though I am going to do some other things and try my best to keep my blog full of happy funny stories and my thoughts on cars. I want to run foxygreen back into a happy place because if my alter-ego is happy maybe I can get happier too.

To those of you who have been reading from the beginning, thanks for reading my random ramblings for the past two years. To those of you who are new to the game you should go read some of my old stuff, it’s really not all about cats.

…till you got a piece of shit instead

Yeah so I procrastinate, who doesn’t? I needed to insure this piece of crap car we have so I could drive to class, when do I do it?… oh, how about this morning at 7:00 when I was to leave at 7:30. Yeah I have issues, but there is something that has more issues than me and it’s this car I have out in the driveway. A car that if I drive I am sure to lose my life in.

We sold our friend Justin that Camry I hated so much, with the strangulating seat belts and many other features that drove me insane. I’m not sure why we sold this car, I guess the fact that I wasn’t getting off the couch made it seem as though having two cars was wasteful. Either way we got rid of the Camry and took Justin’s old beater, a 1983 two door Honda Accord, for a “just in case” car.

“Just in case” I had to go to school, yeah… no! it was “just in case” you want to kill yourself but someone took all the knives from your house and there is no Drano under the sink. Seriously, this car has issues. Neither Michael or I have drove it since Michael drove it home from Justin’s house in Independence. I tried to start it last night and it took me like 15 minutes and it was only then that I realized it was way worse than I ever thought.

My dislike of this car in no way reflects on Justin, he told us it was a piece or criz-nap but it was only supposed to be a “just in case” car, we never intended to really drive it. Anyway, I will go on telling you how much more I do not love this car compared to the Camry which looking back on it seems like a luxury car compared to this crapper.

Okay so last night I drive the car around the block after I got it started and proceeded to check everything out to be sure it would work for getting me to school this morning. First, there are no rear driving lights so I had to be sure that it was light this morning at 7:30, which it was. Second, one of the back windows is not glass, but a duct-taped plastic version of something that only wishes it was a window. Third, there are no instrumentation lights which is bad for me because I really cant feel the difference between 25 and 65 mph but I suppose since there are no back lights I shouldn’t drive in the dark anyway. Fourth, I am sick of shitty ass cars. oh, lets not forget there is no heater and no radio either. This car isn’t much more than a body with an engine and some seats, oh yeah and a few windows.

So I figure whatever, I’ll just drive it and it will motivate me to make some money and buy a different less shitty car with all its windows and maybe even some lights. Well, I go out there, just about 30 minutes ago to drive to school and the car wont start. wont start, wont start, wont start. keep trying, trying, trying and trying then it finally starts and there is no gas and the plastic on the window is ripped and it’s 7:43 and I decide to abort the mission.

Sometimes certain things just make me wonder how I let this be the way things are. I don’t want to die in an old Honda on my way to school, I really don’t and for some reason this car really gives me that vibe. The death might not be because as I am driving down the highway the plastic from the window comes loose and somehow gets blown into the car and wrapped around my face and I suffocate but it might just be because I have a massive anxiety attack because I’m jonesin’ for some computer science but I can’t get to school. Either way I think this car could very well cause me some sort of harm and I don’t like it. I rather be choked by the seat belts in the Camry and right now I am feeling very bad for talking so ill of such a wonderful and beautiful car with windows and lights and a heater and a radio and oh I wish I had the Camry!

I mentioned that I thought driving this would motivate me to make some money so I could buy a better car, but now that I think about it I am not sure why I always have to torture myself whenever I want to motivate myself to do something. I do it all the time though. It’s lame, I need to be nicer to myself.

Today was my first day in an attempt to try to wake up earlier. For most of the summer I was getting up at about 8:00 or 9:00 (with some exceptions of course!) but then the past couple weeks I have been sick and I started sleeping later and then staying up later and then sleeping in even later. Yesterday I got up somewhere around 11:00 I think. I have an 8:00 class starting on Monday and I don’t really want to be a zombie.

Not only do I not want to be so tired I can’t pay attention but I would like to actually go to the gym before I go to class. I really need to take some steps in the direction of health over here. I have become an ice cream eating, sleeping in, no shower taking, no hair brushing excuse of a person. I don’t even want to go outside because I am too lazy, haha.

So today is the day I try to get up earlier and what do I do? I set my alarm for 7:00 but after I get up to pee I jump right back into bed and since I have a headache (which I always have when I get up early) I tell myself I can just lay in bed for awhile. We all know what good laying in bed is when we’re tired.

The fun thing about laying in bed though is that I have the good company of my cats. Badger loves to snuggle, Spunky likes to attack my feet as I move to get comfortable and Peanutbutter likes to itch her scratches so well that she loses balance and falls off the bed. Blacky used to like to sneeze boogers in my face but sadly enough she hasn’t returned to her humble abode.

I decided while laying there in bed that the perfect time to get up in the morning is 9 am. I have always liked 9 am. There is just something about getting up before that that sucks. Even if I get enough hours of sleep I have this weird groggy headache and I get all cold so I just want to go back to sleep. It seems that the atmosphere is perfectly set for me at 9 am. I can get up at 9 am even if I haven’t had enough hours of sleep and I’ll feel halfway good. 9 am is a good time.

Sometimes though I wish I was one of those people who just got 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night because their life is so amazingly interesting that they just can’t bear to waste time with sleep. Sometimes I think about my life when I get up and I can’t believe I am going to waste the chance of more sleep to get up and clean up cat puke or go sit through one of the various forms of brain torture I put myself through. Sleeping is good and my bed is cozy.

I kind of have this love hate relationship with my bed. Love it because it’s soft and nice, hate it because my “dad” (”dad” = dad I haven’t talked to in 4+ years) bought it for us. He couldn’t believe that for years Michael and I had been sleeping on two twin mattresses that lay side by side on the floor formed into some sort of jimmy-jacked wanna be king sized bed. We didn’t care though but for some reason he did so he bought us this bed we now have. What I couldn’t make my dad understand is that we could have bought a bed if we wanted to, we weren’t broke or anything, but we just liked to buy other things instead like apple computers, ipods, cameras and lots and lots of clothes that Laycie would just let hang in her closet because she thought she liked them when she bought them but once they were home and the time came to really wear them in the real world they just weren’t that amazing.

I’ve been looking at clothes like crazy on eBay but I don’t really want to buy anything that will fit me now because if I do its almost like I’m saying, okay, I plan on being this size for long enough to wait 7 days to get this package in the mail. Of course I will most likely be the same size in 7 days but I have been telling myself for months that that simply will not be the case. It’s fun how we can have these sort of delusions of hope that just keep us going. I mean, the only way I can honestly believe I may not be this same size in a week is if I am going to the gym or running every day and we all know that sacrificing sleep, ice cream eating or movie watching is just not happening right now for me :)