I shouldn’t even write anything until I have a picture to show you but I got a new work uniform last night. It’s a dark blue mechanics coverall. Yup. Awesome!

So you all know if you read this, or if you know me, that I work at home sewing stuff. I sew everything under the sun. Anyway I normally just wear my pj pants all day because I am on the floor cutting then sitting then this then that, yaddah yaddah. So I pretty much feel like a freakin’ bum.

I told Michael I wanted to be a real estate agent so I could put on a suit like Scully always wore on the X files. I mean that’s how desperate I am to wear clothes and feel like I’m dressing for success. So this lead to my idea of the coveralls. I would seriously look like I am getting down to business in those. I could be all “yeah I was just in there trying to adjust the tension on my freakin’ machine, goooooooossssssshhhh”

I just want to look down at myself and say “yeah, get to work!” This probably sounds ridiculous but it makes sense to me. So I am going to adorn my coveralls later tonight and make them super spiffy and awesome. The next time the Morman Missionaries come to my door they’ll run for sure!

So maybe tomorrow pictures of the new duds. I’ve gotta get to work! Oh and I am really loving the rain, umm no I’m not!

Okay so lately I have been unable to peel myself off the computer. Michael graduated this last summer and then he spent everyday on the computer, you know designing websites and such. But he was totally hogging our computer. I mean I could probably have had my own computer if I didn’t want to spend $5K on salt water balloons but hey a girls gotta make choices and I chose to be a woman so I was stuck at the sewing machine and unable to quench my computer thirst for many months.
When I did get on the computer Michael hovered over me like he had all this important crap to do and I was all “hey I gotta get this girls measurements ’cause she’s paying me X amount of money to make her a blankity blank costume”. So then last month Michael got this job and so he’s gone all day and I’m all “Hey there little iMac, how you doin’?”. Fast forward three weeks later and I have achieved basically nothing except a MySpace account (I am such a geek) and begging my sister and her friend to let me log into their accounts and change their layouts a little.

So Monday is the official day I am going to get back to work. My three week vacation is over and it didn’t even feel like a vacation. It is so crazy how the internet can just suck time out of your life. It is crazy too because it just sits there all day waiting for me and every single thing I think about I have to go look up and then I end up clicking this and that and I end up looking at Ashlee Simpsons website somehow, I mean how the hell does that happen? I am embarassed that I am so not in control of myself. I have to start turning the computer off and setting it on the roof or something so I can get some work done. But then if I put it on the roof I would probably find an injured bird in the gutter and have to spend all day, or maybe even all week nursing it back to health. I just can’t win for losing! Being your own boss sucks in times like these. If I had a boss I would so be fired all ready.

Oh and just so you know, I spent the very late hours of my birthday playing on MySpace. I’m on Herm’s Laptop right now and Katie is on Michaels. We are both internet whores. Awesome!

Oh and hey Jason, Full House rocks so don’t you even be dishin’ on my netflix picks!! ha ha!!

So some people shovel shit, some drive garbage trucks, and some save lives. Well I am one who saves lives. We all deserve to live, that is why when I found a field mouse half dead in a cup of milk in my kitchen sink I went on red alert. Yes I did find a little mouse in a cup, in my kitchen sink. See, we kinda have a little field mice problem around here, it’s cold outside and warm in here so this is where they come. To the house that is so warm the electric bill is $150 for 600 square feet.

So I get home from running with Rhianna and I figure I am going to have me some yummy oatmeal. Well I am also quite the lazy dish do-er and since Michael is working the dishes have been piling up a bit. I grab a pan and start to wash it when I look straight down into a glass and see a little dark think bobbing up and down. I re-focus my eyes and I notice it is a tiny little mouse face. What the heck? is what I say to myself.

Then I try to decide if I should grab the camera to get a shot for my blog or if I should just let him go free out the front door. Well the animal lover in me won out after I pondered for a second and wathced the mouse head bob up and down a few more times. I picked up the glass and tried to pour him out on the porch but he just sat in the glass. I tried to jiggle it a bit to get him to run out but he just kinda fell to the side. Then I thought Oh crap I pondered too long and now he’s dead, I should have got the shot, maybe I can re-fill the glass and re-create the image No really I was like oh no he died!

But I saw him breathing so I though about just plopping him on the ground but it was so cold out and there are hungry cats that prowl around so instead I brought him back in and put him in a box by the heater and I covered him with a warm sock. He was so tiny, like maybe 2″. I kept checking on him and I gave him some sunflower seeds and I tried to dry him off. His little heart was pounding and I think he was in shock or something, I mean he almost drowned in 1% milk, the poor guy!

So about an hour and a half later he had eaten some seeds and I snapped one more pic and let him scamper off in the front yard. He was soooo cute. And for two hours he was my pet. That ladies and gentlemen is how Laycie does it.

See missionaries, I’m a good person!

Okay so Michael got this new job and he’s making big money but I am still working for myself, at home, alone, all day. So anyway the other day I got a knock on the door, I thought it was Angie so I looked out the window (which is right on the door) and I see two young guys in white shirts with black coats. I think to myself Yes! These guys are from the FBI and they have come to ask me to work on the X-Files with Mulder and Scully! But no, they were with the Church of Latter Day Saints. So I’m standing there letting all my heat out (which costs $150 a month), and they are asking me stuff like “Did you just move in here?” as they peep into the house and see boxes piled up (stuff I plan to sell on eBay) and no couches (sold them to help pay for my fake boobs) and a cat with a shaved back (see previous posts about furballs) I tell them “No I’ve lived here for a few months”. So now they are thinking I’m some poor crack head or something who needs Jesus to save me from the hell I am living in. Then they ask me what brought me here. “What brought me here? Uh, let me think about that. Hmmm. . . What brought me to Salem, oh yeah! My Dad brought me here in a car.” I mean I’m only 25, I live in a tiny back house on a street that is very delapidated. Do they think I came here because this is a totally desirable location or did they expect me to say “Oh I got pregnant, dropped out of highschool and I’m working at McDonalds so I moved here to be close to work so I could walk there. Plus this is a really small house so when I leave my baby here when I’m at work there isn’t very much stuff for it to get hurt on.” I know they are just trying to make small talk but really, don’t ask me what brought me here cause it wasn’t the weather.

So I’m still standing there and I was very nice to them, and I am trying to be funny and sarcastic here, just making laughs. Anyway so still standing there and they are asking me more stuff. “Have you ever seen other missionaries like us?” And The first thing that pops into my head just flies out of my mouth, “Yeah, Mormons.” Then they are like “Well we believe . . .something something . . .Father in Heaven . . .something something . . .prophet . . .” I wasn’t really following because I just have no interest in churches. I have my own spirituality and I just try to be a nice person. Like I was being to them. Then they ask if I would like to learn more about it and I’m like “no, I’m pretty good” Those were my precise words. Could I be any dorkier. No I don’t need to learn about Jesus, I’m good. They probably thought I was a real crazy couchless cat lady.

So then they leave and I just think the whole thing is pretty silly, cause I’m a weird beard. Then I’m telling Rhianna about it later and this is how it goes:

“So Rhianna, these missionaries came here today”
“Oh, didn’ they see the No Solicitors sign you have on the door?”
“Um. I guess they think soliciting God is different than selling Super Orange Clean” (Which we actually have bought, ha ha)
“What church were they?”
“Latter Day Saints or something”
“Oh, Mormans”
“Huh? They were Morman?”
“Uh, yeah. Mormans do missions”
“Oh my God! They must have thought I was crazy!”
“Why?”
“‘Cause the’re all like have you ever seen missionaries like us and I’m all yeah Mormans”
“HA ha hahahahahahahah haha!!!”
“Don’t other churches have missionaries?”
“I don’t know”
“Wow, I’m really stupid!”

Okay, I don’t invent things but I do love to rip on stupid things people have invented. Take article 543 A, the Shark Roadster “as seen on T.V.” vacuum we bought at Target over a year ago.

Our hand-me-down vacuum had just died and we had an inch of cat hair on the carpet. We went to Target, our favorite store, and took a look at the vacuums. We wanted something simple that would do the job (suck up cat hair) so we picked the Shark Roadster. This little roadster, complete with faux racing tires, happened to be one of those new “bagless” vacuums. Ooooh, Aaaah. It seemed cool, just vacuum and dump out the little container and no more buying bags. Super cool. . .

WRONG! It is so not cool! The first day of vacuuming was neat-o because I got to see all the fur that was on the floor, but after that the amazement was completely gone and the frustration took over full time. This bagless idea is lame! I don’t know maybe there is a vacuum out there that is bagless and that isn’t such a pain in the a$$, but I guarantee you the Shark Roadster is not the bagless vacuum of your dreams. This is the vacuum that Freddy uses (you know Freddy, the nightmare dude). So not only do you have to empty out the canister repeatedly during vacuuming but you also have to clean out all the filters, and often! I never had to get so up close and personal with the crap I sucked off my floor, so why now with this new bagless technology do we have to get so dirty? We want to vacuum the crap off the floor so we don’t have to A: breathe it in B: touch it or C: have it on our clothes. Well with the new bagless Shark Roadster your answer should be D: all of the above. You will breathe in the dust and lint while you clean the filters and dump the canister (which causes a giant dust cloud to overtake the room). You have to touch it because it won’t always just dump out, sometimes you gotta reach up in there and pull it out. The when you clean the filters with the handy little tool dust will fling and fly everywhere and of course you will end up with it on your clothes. I want my vacuum bags back!! Just remove, dispose and replace!

The lamest thing about this whole deal is that the person who invented this pile of stinky dog feces is so rich they don’t even know how to use a vacuum. And to top it off their maid probably uses a Kirby, not a Shark Roadster. I should have known not to buy it just from the completely stupid name. My vacuum is a shark, ooh that’s rad. They should’ve given it the name of an animal that had a trunk and could suck up stuff.

My new invention is the Elephant Speedster; it will suck so hard and go so fast that your house will be clean in 5 minutes flat! Oh and it comes with an infinity supply of bags that will be mailed to you every month for the rest of your life. Awesome, now I’m rich beeootch!