I keep hearing random things on the radio, this car I am borrowing actually has one, that make me think and motivate me to write but do I do it? noooooo. Well this time I am gonna write. I was listening to Love Line for a few minutes when I picked Kendel up from work the other night and they were talking about PORN. Yes, porn.

One guy, don’t remember if it was Dr. Drew or one of the other hosts, was talking about how porn can give men unrealistic ideas about sex and about women and sex as far as what they like, don’t like etc. He also said it has created some sort of obsession with anal sex. This little ditty just popped in my head: What-what in the butt, I said what-what in the butt. You wanna do it in my butt? in my butt? I like the southpark version best. Anyways…

I have never really thought about porn like that, I guess because I just don’t normally sit around and ponder the effects of fake people having fake sex and what it can do to people who watch a ton of it or who become addicted to it.

It did make me think about a certain episode of friends though, and yes I know I have watched my DVDs of that show way too much! It’s an episode where Joey and Chandler find a porn channel on the tv and they think that if they change the channel or turn off the tv the free porn will be gone. So they keep it on all day every day and after a few days they have this exchange:

Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What? No, “Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?”
Joey: No! Nothing!
Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

I know it’s just a tv show and its meant to be funny but all jokes have a bit of truth right? If someone watches too much porn do they lose their grip on reality? I know that too many magazines and victoria’s secret catalogs make me lose my grip on reality because I feel like a super fat blob when I am actually pretty average.

so… porn… what d’ya think? I think I rather go jump on a trampoline and feel my body jiggle.

I spent three hours today trying to write but I just kept veering so far off topic I had to start over. I have been having really bad anxiety this past week. I’ve been holding back tears and I don’t know exactly why. I actually bailed on friends the other day because I just needed to go cry, it was fucking embarrassing but I don’t know how to deal. I’m really hurt inside.

I really want to write something deep right now but after deleting 30 minutes of typing over and over I think I will sleep on it and see about trying again tomorrow. Maybe I will dig up an old draft of something I never published…

Last night I decided to get a job for the time being. I’m failing pretty miserably at my own business right now because whenever I am alone my thoughts go to very weird places and I just can’t get anything done. I literally just sit in front of my sewing machine with stuff in my hands and I stare at the wall thinking about stuff. It sounds unbelievable but it happens very often. I don’t want to have a “job” for the rest of my life but right now I think it will help me greatly so I’m going for it.

Kendel and I have already made childcare arrangements for Elianna and next week I am taking Kendel to the DMV to take the permit test so that she can practice driving and then get her own car. Kendel has also been making plans to move out with her boyfriend so that’s really good too.

I think I have done the right thing by helping my sister but now it’s time for me to help myself. For the past few weeks I have known that the time had come for me to take that step out the door into my own life but I will be the first to admit that I definitely have reservations and fears about having a life where I am not taking care of someone else.

I think that it is just in my nature to take care of people, I took care of my sisters a lot when I was young and it just comes natural for me to want to help other people be happy. Kendel is happy right now, she has a job, a beautiful baby and a boy she loves… it’s time for me to quit using her as an excuse for not doing my own thing, it’s time for me to let go of her hand and step back.

Kendel and I went to the gym this morning and we worked it something fierce. I felt my workout for a good three hours afterward and I only did 20 minutes on the elliptical machine. I haven’t worked out that hard in a long time, it was really great!

Before we worked out we went into the locker room and I weighed myself… 203 pounds. That’s just craziness for me. As I stood there adjusting the little weights knowing that I was a good 200 pounds I got really sad. I had just showed Kendel around the gym and our final stop before heading up to the cardio room was the scale. We both weighed in and then we went up there and killed it. It was awesome and I felt good all day… I even made myself meals to eat! I really need some changes in my life and today I took serious steps toward them.

My buddy Zach sent me a link to a video, and if you are a little bit geeky like us you will appreciate it.