I’m going to write a blog post because I don’t know what else I can do right now. I’m in one of those moods where I am ready to do a million things, one of which is make a slice of pizza costume for my supervisor to wear on Saturday, which is Halloween. I was getting a late start on sewing tonight but it’s all because I had this weird day where nothing worked out the way I wanted it.

I tried to make the best of everything as it happened but about an hour ago I blew a fuse in my bedroom which is in the basement of my friends HUGE old house. I’m here alone and I don’t know how to get my power back on. I had my lamps on, music going and I decided I needed to vacuum all the cat hair off my floor before I made a costume out of felt… the equivalent of sticky tape when it comes to lint and cat hair…

So I’m super bummed right now. I have all this energy and motivation but I can’t do shit with it, I’m more than bummed, I’m about to lose my damn mind! I don’t know when they’ll be home so I am just waiting. There is not time for shit like this in the life of a manic/depressive procrastinator.

I got a pretty good start on the day but multiple calls from my sisters started giving me anxiety and then Kendel calls saying Ellie came home from her Dad’s with a high fever and that she had a rash and she was acting weird so we took her to the ER. Part of me wanted to just tell her to give her something for the fever and let her rest but I always feel like the one time I say that and she listens to me it’s going to be the wrong decision and I will forever be responsible for something bad.

We spent four long ass fucking hours in the ER. Ellie is fine, no swine flu, just a virus. So I eat some dinner, Taco Bell of all things, pick up the fabric for the pizza costume at a store where I get like the worst customer service ever and the lady makes a huge mistake on ringing up how much fabric I bought then acts like a c-u-n-t when I correct her (sorry bitch 5 yards is very NOT close to the 1/4 yard you cut me), run to the Post Office, get honked at by a fucking ass hole who I just wanted to get out and punch, then I get bad customer service AGAIN at the grocery store while buying cat litter and cat food for the fucking assholes I know are just waiting to torture me at home with wanting to go in and out my window every 5 minutes and who have furballs and shit for me to clean up cause they hate me! then I blow a fuse. I can’t win on this day. I am waving the white flag.

I’m not sure what time I fell asleep last night but I’m pretty sure I got around 5-6 hours of sleep before I was awakened by my sister giggling. I normally don’t wake up for anything but if I am sleeping in a bed or house that is not my own then I wake up for everything.

I stayed at my sister’s last night because she went to a party. I checked on my niece at one point and was tempted to wake her up so I could say hi and give her a hug but I resisted the urge to disrupt the very sleep that makes her a tolerable little person.

So I got up this morning at 7 and though it was very hard to get my eyes open I really had to pee and I thought opening my eyes my be a good idea before I walked to the bathroom. Anyway, the whole point of this post is that 5-6 hours is pretty much my optimum sleep amount. It always has been.

I can sleep in with the best of them but I just feel like shit all day. Give me about 5-6 hours and I feel great and will probably go to bed well before 4am. I work in 2 and a half hours and its going to be hell. We have coupons out right now AND it’s a Saturday. I’m sure I can make it through.

I applied for another position within the store and I got my official “you didn’t get it” yesterday. I knew I didn’t get it so I was just waiting for it. The manager who broke the news to me told me just to keep working hard and that would make me stand out from my co-workers and that I should also take on new responsibilities whenever they arise. I’m already doing those things so it just made me really excited that he noticed. ha.

I don’t know why I applied for a new position in there when the only thing I want is out but I guess I was just thinking if I had new duties and less hours that I might not hate it so much and that I could keep this job while I do other shit because though it may be hard to understand I feel like I need this job for various reasons, one of them is health insurance and the other is that I really believe if I didn’t have this place to go to where PEOPLE are that I just might be even more depressed than I already am.

Anyway, yeah so I’m gonna try to limit my sleep to 6 hours for awhile, see if that changes some shit for me. I’ve been feeling really bad physically lately, just really tired and I’ve been having A LOT of pain in my body, I’m too young for this shit so I know it has to be something I can make go away.

Yes they do, very badly. My work shoes are nasty and I’m pretty sure they walk around my room while I’m sleeping, that’s why I can never find them before work. Yeah so my three days off came to an end and it was back to work today.

My job is easy, there is really nothing to complain about. But that’s all my job is, an easy thing to do to get a few dollars. Why am I not sewing? I have no fucking idea, honestly. What’s missing from my life right now is passion, I just feel pretty indifferent about everything. It sucks to just not really care.

I’m super tired and gonna hit the sack but I just wanted to keep up my habit of blogging, even if I didn’t say anything at all, at least I was here!

that would describe my little niece. She’s super cute, I love her to death but holy hell she is a handful and I have big hands.

Kendel didn’t have a sitter today and it was my day off so I offered to watch the little booger. We did have a nice hour long nap somewhere during the day while we were watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We were watching Sponge Bob for a very long time but that had to end and she completely flipped out and the energy she put into flipping out made her so tired that she fell asleep during the tour of the chocolate factory… then I did too.

First thing she said when she woke up after the movie was “Sponge Bob?”. Kid doesn’t mess around with that yellow dude, she loves him.

Anyway, I did absolutely nothing today, not even necessarily on purpose but more because every time I wasn’t looking at Ellie or talking to her she would scream, whine or be very silent and when I would turn to look at her she was either almost breaking something or about to fall and break her face. Today was an adventure in “this is why I don’t want kids right now” land. I do want kids eventually but only when I a fully prepared for them and you know what, I’m a procrastinator so that will probably be never. But I love kids, really I do, just take them home when you leave ok thanks bye.