I really want to write something and it isn’t fucking working because I’m trying to make it seem like I’m not insanely pathetic. Some days I’m happy I am who I am and other days I would give anything to be someone else. I’m just so fucking sad. I feel like I’m going crazy because everything makes me think of my mom, it’s like she’s haunting my thoughts or something, it makes me sad and it fucking sucks.

I don’t really talk to anyone, I write in my journal occasionally and while it helps sometimes it just makes me feel that much more alone. When my little brother died I had Michael and he was there for me and he listened and when you lose someone you need that, more than anything. Since my mom has died I haven’t really talked to anyone, I just feel like I have all this fucking pain and no way to release it. I’m an emotional wreck and its making me crazy in every aspect of my life.

I used to think I would spend my life alone, my dreams consisted of having my own house, having lots of crazy pets and working in a zoo, I was 16 and I was pretty certain I would never find anyone that was enough like me that I would spend my life with them. I never dreamed of getting married or having kids, I just wanted lots of animals and my own place to call home.

Now all I fucking want is someone to love and however stupid that sounds I don’t even care. Yeah I wish I was strong enough to be like fuck everyone I’m just gonna have an awesome life by my own self, but I’m not. I’m just fucking sick of being alone and thinking. It gets fucking old.

I also called one of my best friends a few weeks ago, left a voicemail and he never returned my call. I feel like that’s my karma. It made me think though, about how much it sucks to not be called back and about some people who probably think I’m a fucking selfish bitch. Maybe after all those years my mom was right.

I work at the ass crack of the morning tomorrow and I’m regretting switching shifts with someone but I’m the yes girl, I do just about everything everyone asks me because I am a pathetic people pleaser and I even suck at that most of the time.

I really really want to start writing a book but every time I sit down to write nothing but garbage comes out and it discourages me! My head is a jumbled mess, I gotta get it straight somehow.

In other news, I died my roots last night. I’ve been dying my hair black for those of you who don’t know. anyway, I had like a half inch of roots to cover and I realized that I have an insane amount of gray hair! I’m 29, what the fuck is that shit doing on my head?

In other, other news, I want to cut my hair, but I’m trying to remind myself that every time I get all crazy I want to do something crazy with my hair and I normally end up super mad at myself.

I know this post is shit, I’m sorry, not really. I moved though and will write a post with pictures of my room soon. I’m super happy here so far. I hope you all are well!

I just got off work, my pants are wet from hosing floors and doing dishes but yet my priorities lie here with this blog and sharing my thoughts or whatever with you. Really I’m just lazy and rather sit here and type.

I’m sick right now with a cold or something, whatever makes boogers come out your nose and your voice take a vacation, that’s what I have. I dosed up on NyQuil last night and went to bed at like 8 or something, I got up at 9 something this morning. I bought DayQuil before work and dosed up on that both before and during work. I’m not a big medicine person but when I’m sick I’m gonna bust out the ‘Quils… best believe that. Really just any problem I have those two things seem to be the solution. Can’t sleep? NyQuil! wake up and hate life? DayQuil!

Last night I had a crazy dream, or nightmare I guess, I got into an elevator and once I pushed the damn button for my floor the whole thing fell. I woke up freaking out, I seriously thought I was going to friggen die. I have had a few intense dreams where I thought I was dying and they are the worst! When I’m sick I have crazy ass dreams usually.

My life is still the same damn sad pathetic stupid thing it always is because I’m the one living it and I am still the same damn sad stupid pathetic thing I have been for way too long. I always have these little pep talks with myself and shit but I never fucking listen, and when I don’t listen I honestly feel like I’m pulling one over on myself, like how fucking ridiculous am I? Anyway, I really really need to just focus on myself right now, DUH, but noooooooo I keep thinking about how lonely I am and how sad I am and how lonely I am and how boring my life is and how blah blah blah and I keep thinking people are the answer, stir more people into my fucked up soup of life and its bound to taste better right? hell to the fuck no it’s no, I gotta drain that pot and clean it before the soup is EVER going to taste good.

I know I like metaphors, I’m sorry, I think metaphorically to myself more than I probably should but it’s fun. Anyway, it’s like I know I have to do all this stuff to make myself be the kind of person who can actually be someone who other people want to be friends with and hang out with because as of right now I am just like this stupid mess and I don’t know what I like and I don’t do anything I just am super boring. But that is just part of it.

The whole you can’t love someone else till you love yourself thing, thats the other part of it. I have to be happy by myself before I can ever be happy EVER. putting my happiness on someone else’s back it just the dumbest thing ever but I keep thinking in my damaged murky head that someone is going to come into my life and give me purpose, make me want to do something besides sleep, work and worry about why I never have money.

I don’t hardly write anymore because honestly I am so sick of the same stupid shit coming out of my mouth. like, der, I know all this shit but I don’t do any of it and I just want to piss and moan about everything. I figure if I’m sick of it so is everyone else right? and it’s down right embarrassing that for like 2 years I have just been this person that I really don’t like. I still don’t feel like me and I feel like the longer and longer I’m not me the less chance I have of ever being me or someone better than the old me.

I really hope I get this gas station position so I can paint my damn nails. I can’t explain to you but painting my nails to me is like a glass of wine or a cigarette to someone else. I just want to come home and paint my nails a nice shade of awesome but I can’t! it pissed me off to no end.

My niece is at her grandparents tonight, I doubt I will see my sister at all. I’m so glad I’m moving out, I can’t even explain that to you either. I am going to finally feel like a free person for the first time in my life EVER. I have never ever lived out on my own. I lived with my mom, then my dad, then michael with his parents, then just me and michael and then me, michael and kendel and then me and kendel. never just Laycie. I’ll have a roomate but this person is going to basically be a stranger and wont even expect me to do shit for him! halle-fucking-lujah.

Sometimes when I know my sister is home I sit in my car for a few minutes outside in the parking lot. just so I can have a few minutes of peace to myself. I come in the house and its screaming non stop pretty much. Kendel is my mother’s daughter and she’s a screamer. She screams about everything and I am constantly telling her she doesn’t need to.

So anyway, this is a bunch of total garbage and bullshit but I figure the only way I can get back into the groove of things here is by being here so here I am. peace.

I was just about to jump into bed but decided I would spit some stuff out here tonight for whatever it’s worth. Last night Ellie was sick and my sister had gone to a movie so I was here taking care of her and trying to get her to go to sleep with me in my bed. By the time Kendel came home I didn’t even have the energy to get up and wash my face or put my pajamas on, I woke up this morning in the clothes I had worn to work the night before, I at least had taken my shoes off.

So yeah, this morning was just awesome, waking up in the clothes I wore the day before is almost as bad as waking up and stepping in a pile of cat crap, it just puts me in the wrong mindset. I’m still riding this depression train like it’s gonna take me somewhere awesome, I fucking swear, I wish I could just jump off but no, I’m holding on for dear life.

Sometimes I get caught up in these weird little thought streams where I think back to the past and wonder about one little tiny thing and how huge of an effect it could have on my life right now if it had gone another way for me. Its just so weird when you think about your life and how that at this exact moment you are right where you are because of a bunch of tiny little decisions. Even the smallest things have a huge effect on your life. It blows my mind. It’s almost like thinking about space and how huge and unknown it is, that blows my mind too.

So it’s official I’m moving out the first of next month. My other sister Katie is gonna move in here with Kendel and I’m just going to jet off and let the two of them figure their things out. I have a feeling that once I am out on my own-ish (I say ish because I wont be alone yet I wont be living with someone who I feel obligated to be responsible for) things are going to get a lot better for me. There is just something about coming home to your fridge and being able to eat those few bites of potato salad that were there when you left for work and that you thought about eating while you drove home from work. It’s important shit you know.

In all seriousness I can’t even tell you how fucking excited I am. I will always love my sisters, I will always be here for them but I have got to get the fuck away. I’ve already been thinking aboust stuff I am going to do with my niece once I move out. I’m going to miss her like crazy so I’m going to have to have some planned days spent with her for sure. She’s probably one of the only things in my life right now that just gives me pure happiness. She’s also crazy and stresses me out, but thats just because I have to always be around and I never get any peace.

So at work I think I’m going to put in for a new position. It’s out at the gas station. I would love to spend my shifts outside, no matter the weather, being outside makes me so happy. I was talking to Merry though and being the little paranoid freak that she is she told me that its bad for your health to pump gas for a living. I tried to google up some info but my desire to work out there is stronger than my desire to find out if it will kill me in the long run.

I like my job rolling polish and making pizzas, it’s face paced and I know what I’m doing but I’m trying to get outside my comfort zone a bit because I think my comfort zone does nothing for me but let me remain this shy scared person. I can meet new people out there and smell the fresh air, along with some gas fumes. I will also be able to wear nail polish which is a HUGE thing, haha, really though, not being able to paint my nails makes me sad. I had them painted on my days off this week but when I went back to work I forgot to take it off so I had to drive home and take it off, I was 17 minutes late for work. der.

Yeah so who knows if I’ll even get it but I’ve almost been there a year and this will be the first position I have applied for. It’s a part time position too so I might have a good chance at getting it because mostly people just want to go from part time to full time positions but I don’t because I want to have time to work on my sewing and other stuff.

Since I’m on a roll I guess I’ll talk a bit about some of the things I’ve been feeling lately, since it’s always so uplifting and amazing. Okay, so, I keep going back and forth on this but I go back and forth on everything so it’s no surprise, I’m super lonely and would like to like have a special person or whatever but I feel like my life is too much of a cluster fuck of shit right now. And whenever I hang out with people I just feel like the most boring lame person ever and I just feel like they don’t like me so it gets me even more down on myself and it’s just this huge fucking dilemma that I can’t even really explain because it confuses even me.

Like when someone asks me what I do for fun I seriously just stand there and stare at them, I try to think of what I used to do for fun and I still draw a blank so I just end up saying that I don’t really do anything besides work and clean my house because I live with my sister and her baby. When I think about it though I have no life, I don’t do shit and I may have at one point been a cool interesting person but right now I just feel like a fucking loser. Like honestly, I’m depressed yeah but shiiiiiiiiiit, I think it’s just that I’m more pathetic than depressed.

Yeah so Friday night I got off work early and I was so mad that I had no life that I went out for a run. I felt great afterward, like who the fuck needs other people to feel good you know. I think thats my problem too, I’m always looking to other people to make me feel valid or important or worthy or whatever, I don’t know why that is but right now it’s all I do. I think everything for me just boils down to the fact that I am so unsure of myself. I just feel like I don’t know what I want from life, be it a boyfriend or a girlfriend, to run a marathon again or to eat all the cupcakes in the world, I really just do not know. I feel like a walking question mark.

About the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it’s a huge thing I’m going through right now. I should probably dedicate a whole post to it. I’m unsure of my sexuality, and to be 29 and going through this shit just makes me crazy, I feel like so many things I’m going through right now are the things people in their late teens/early twenties go through.

Yeah so as usual my mind is full of shit, it’s mostly just messy and doesn’t come to be in a narrative that I can bust out on here for y’all. That’s also part of the reason I haven’t wrote in so long, I start a post and the writing just sucks so I abandon it. I decided on this one though I was going to post it no matter what so here you go. I’m going to make a valiant effort to write more often too and not worry about how good my shit sounds because in the end it’s just shit anyway :)

I took this video last month on 4/29.